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OMNICELL
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the strange world of getting better did
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This is not going to be easy.
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Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
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Something positive is happening
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The Beatles
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A place exists
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Things are changing again
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Things are heating up; Im now backing down
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I have CPTSD
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Coming back into the present
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Im extremely frustrated
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Fining myself or facing myself
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Im beginning to understand
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Visualizing
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Starting from the beginning
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The trap house part 2
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The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
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Massive Mega paradigm shift
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First post recovery conversation
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Dating and Art
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movement
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childhood abandonment
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Being single
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Preview: PTSD; High School
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Fear
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Ive found some answers
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D.I.D; let me introduce myself
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PTSD; dealing with triggers.
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Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
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Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
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critical voice
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Toxic shame
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Wounded

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Feb 29, 2016 5:08 am

Wounded; Im still wounded! I did fairly well, until I got into the store and dealt with that clerk! She was to physically open; it freaked me out! It was to much! Like getting hit by the sun and causing sun burn! Anything in front of me like that; that is open! Its 2 much! It wounds me! No protection! I could respond! Ill try to stay away from her next time! Im trying to protect myself! My space! When I was at the counter; she was up close and open and looking me strait in the face! I did not like it! It's not my style! She was to open! She asked me if I wanted to play some game put on by the store; I said no;; and I just wanted to leave! I have agoraphobia and dissociative disordered and Im trying to get better and I am ! But not at that moment! It knocked me down the flight of recovery! Like getting punched in the face!

I have been doing better, healing up! Or attempting to heal up by looking at my inner stuff! Im slowly starting to understand! The child is healing in me! And moving into the present; forward!

I cannot have people right in front of me in my face or space! I wont stand for that kind of intrusion! I have to watch it!

ITs hard! I have very little ability in front of people! This has stopped my love life completely; however, hopefully I will get better! Im getting better! Im not dissociating like before! Im slowly getting better, but still cannot negotiate anything in front of me! People; they don't understand this!
I have to be choosy on who I associate with! I don't like clerks at stores because they stand right in front of me; most are cool about it! Some are strange and arrogant! I don't understand! I must get around other people! I hate it, that I cant stand up for myself, but I cant! Over exposure kills me!

I was doing better until tonight! I must learn to ride to the big store tomorrow and get what I need!

Talents;
I have talents; I don't know what to do! Im praying about it right now! I have no practice room! Im slowly learning how to visualize such things and write about them as if I have it all ready! Im waiting on God! I don't get it! I don't want to play games with this!

Am I supposed to do art or not! Why wont God come through for me! Whats he waiting for! Ive tried to make things happen! What am I supposed to be; supper man! This is ridiculous!

Its said that when all doors are closed to you; this is a sign to go into another direction! What other direction am I supposed to go into!

I love to create stuff and all doors are closed to me! I don't understand! I suppose I ask God to open doors!
I need a practice room! At some point; Im getting tired of asking! Im not sure what to do! Im healing up! I don't have money for a practice room! Im no longer interested in throwing my talent out to others while I practice; it's ruining me! Im waiting on the Universe!

I will start to through my case directly go God and ask why?! Is this door shut to me! Should I be going in another direction! This door and area seems completely shut!

I also love telescopes, but have no place to set them up! Should this finally die away! I don't get it! I need a backyard for the telescopes! Is all this some type of joke! This life!

I cannot do art; I don't feel comfortable doing anything in front of me because I live in an apartment that anyone can hear everything I do! I hate it! I don't feel safe doing art! It just doesn't work for me! I start to shut down and shut off! Im not safe in my own space!

All I can do is watch porn or study success stuff from Youtube! How to be successful! This apartment is no good for anything else! It's a joke!

So, and; washing clothing and keeping the apartment clean! This is hard!

I lift all to God! And my job is to talk to God about it! I will continue to great my goals! Im not sure I understand!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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Comments

RE: Wounded

Permanent Linkby MarvinGardens on Wed Mar 02, 2016 3:23 am

Keep pumpin', brother.
MarvinGardens
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