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OMNICELL
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working with PTSD problems going through recovery *TW*

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Sep 30, 2017 12:23 pm

My history and memory system and long term severe PTSD problem; I cant go off on anyone! Its impossible to interact with others! Ill go to war if theirs problems! I cannot go off on anyone! I have to walk away!
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In a situation of conflict, PTSD will take over, and then its over! I will not be in control of anything! I cant have that! I know what will happen! regardless of the outcome; if Im destroyed by the other person and not killed, Ill come back! Ill go to war! Ill go to war from the start! I wont back down!
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Conflict with an immature society is not the answer!
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As I wake up and start to get better or better able to deal with my damaged self; Im starting to open up around others; others of an immature state; Im starting to over flow onto them; just a bit; they are stupid people of a dumb nature; they think they are in control, I have to keep silent and walk away!
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Im having real problems with bulling memories! Im getting hit by bulling memories! The problem with bullies; the intimate nature of the way they cross ones lines, personal space and intimidate or terrorize or attack; they are predators! its like being raped; its a form of torture; someone is terrorizing me for free, and their was nothing I could do about it; nothing! I was being destroyed! the hardest part; I was faked out of a family system! meaning, I was brought up with the idea I had a father that was on my side; it gave the illusion of that I had protection or someone that cared about me; instead, this was a sociopath who was fooling everyone; a con man! he would soon leave; I was never loved; it was all faked! I had been used or exploited or faked out! The point is; I had no protection! and I was not brought up to fight or fight back! I was brought up with the idea I was from a better family system then filth! but I wasnt! I was being used and exploited by these people; they would soon throw me away into outer darkness and knashing of teeth! I would be destroyed all alone in the world at such a young age; predators would destroy me; I did not have a chance, I was taken advantage of by every predator out here from every angle!
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Unfortunately, in situations dealing with the general public, I loose no matter what! They are immature, and theirs nothing I can do! I have to walk away! so, after walking away, what do I do, where do I go! how do I let out my pain, where!
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When dealing with the public; dont go off on them! dont think in terms of waking up on them! leave them be; they are a trap for people with PTSD problems! I have to act docile around them; hide my real self; the real nature of the damage to self! I have to walk away from them; they are to immature!
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I have to learn to walk away! I dont like it; I have to turn to God for a life! Many people have killed themselves for much less then Ive been through; and for equal amounts and more then Ive been through! I have to turn to God if I want to stay alive and get a life out of this deal! God has a plan for me for being on this planet; my focus must go on God! I must not look for dumb people to take my anger out on! The anger overflows; its built up from the past, I cant let it seep out on the general public; it would be a disaster!
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Im doing well considering! Im in a generalized recovery situation; its not perfect, lots of messed up unsafe or safe people, chemically addicted people, beat up people, mentally disabled people; mental illness! and many other problems; not safe! but I have places to go; not perfect!
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I have to work through the bulling! its especially hard to look back at the demoralization of worthless filth taking advantage of me and theirs nothing I could do about it; if I reacted to it and went off on them, my whole life would have been pulled into the department of corrections; and I would ended up in the state penitentiary systems!
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Im now trying to work through these things; can I work through them in the general public recovery process; maybe! I can try, I have to keep more private stuff to myself, speak indirectly of the problems and let the feelings out but not the true story behind it! I have to work with God! the goal is to feel safe and believe the bullies are not around anymore! PTSD keeps the bullies and fear alive n well within my general state, all of the time; Im looking to face these things and move on! However, if I face the bullies from my past, I have to face what brought all this on; I was abandon when young; and Ill relive the loosing of my neighborhood and house and school future and way of life; a way of life faked out! meaning, I was brought into a neighborhood because the psychopaths work place was within walking distance; no one brought me into these neighborhoods because they wanted me to have a good future; but they never told me this! I was allowed to believe I was being taken care of; they didnt care either way! they would use me and throw me away at a young age!
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So, its all stressful! all of it! no one on my side; God is on my side! Im in this stupid city or town trying to get better, I dont want to be here, I dont have any place to go; at least I have the recovery process; not much more; by leaving; Ill find myself in another town or city doing nothing! God is working with me in this town; Im getting better! I have to face every aspect of the bulling process that I can face; all of it! its not easy, because it indicates Ive always been alone and un protected! no one to care for me or about me! and its been that way all my life!
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Best friends or friends growing up! I was in this neighborhood! and thought I had friends! I had non! in fact, the people I met young, I thought were my friends; they thought I was white trash; I never knew! not until later! it was easy for them to hang out with me on a boring Saturday morning; if I had never called them; they would have never known me! I called them all the time and believed I had friends; I was allowed to spend the night all the time at these peoples houses; I was just being used by their parents; they wanted their kids socialized; they never liked me or cared about me or cared who I was; I was an object that was socializing their sons! after a certain age, they did not want me around around more; I was used, and an easy target for it! and they could care less of the damage this brought on to me and the broken heart! later, I understood!
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The goal it so work through the PTSD problems; keep working through them! some how grow through them out of the general public level! hopefully into another life!
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Sat Sep 30, 2017 3:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: added a trigger warning *TW*; no other changes

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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