Having sex with women is not possible; because Im completely dissociative... But things are shaking up in my world and this may be changing; its all about protection; how my nervous system wants to protect me..
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I feel so immature on a date; at least I think I am; because I haven't asked anyone out in years but Ive had plenty of women hit on me; I mean; all I had to do was respond to them right then; but I could not.
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Abuse in the form of silence.
Ive been abusing women; those women that want to go out with me; I abuse them by going silent on them and not talking to them; because I've been tortured in the past; and that torture was sent forth upon me by women when I was a child; sickening... its beyond sickening.... unbelievable. Wasn't all women; but several women were involved.
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After sexual abuse by some of the members of the house hold I was forced to live in; I could never really interact normally around any one anymore; and no one cared about what happened to me. I was alone and with no protection from anything or anyone; I shut down. And I still shut down.
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I find even visualizing sex with women; Them actually being with me; impossible; but its getting better.
Because of Dissociative disorder; In my imagination I see thing or myself at a distance; not up close; but this year this has been changing.
When I think of making love to someone; I have to feel good enough to be with someone and visualize being up close to them. Feeling good enough about myself was not possible before; I was to into being safe....
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What do I think about getting naked around someone... seeing them in my imagination naked up next to me or under me.... It used to be impossible to do this; to see it; Right now; its unbelievably hard; but Im getting better and Im starting to see it. My mind is allowing it; it never used to be this way.
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I have to visualize in order to see anything happen for me.... I have to see myself with someone else; I have to allow myself to feel good enough about myself to see myself with someone else up close; whether it be kissing or making out or more...
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I have to visualize when thinking of someone in my bed... or being intimate with me in that bed... I have to see it first and then it's possible.
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With dissociative disorder it was almost blank... seeing someone in my bed with me; no thoughts; nothing allowed... my mind completely melted down into amnesia. No way to get in; putting in new thoughts in my mind; I was not allowed.
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Being immediate with women.
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When a women is interested in me and wants to talk to me; comes up to me; I have to be immediate; I can't answer her in a week; I mean; that's 2 long... I have to learn and teach myself to be immediate; all problems with women have occurred because it took me months or years at times to respond to her... now; Im hoping I can do it in seconds... I get mad and clam up and go dissociative; the women in front of me has no idea what Im doing or why; no idea. and even if she did she has no idea what's wrong with me but they never ask... they wait and if I don't respond they finally give up at some point.
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Many times women's behavior has stopped me from associating with them and that is why I clam up. However, many women have written me off as a weakling or so shy and immature I could not court them. The reality is; I wrote them off because of their offensive behavior... but they never seem to get it; to understand its about them and not me...
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I have to feel safe; if. women is not safe; No Go!
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Visualization is a key that helps me...
learning to speak immediately helps me.
learning to get intimate again; ill have to discuss it with them...
Being in bed with someone; I can see my defenses going up... This will take some work; but things are better now; Im starting to see it in my mind; that is good its not completely blocked...
I have to ask them out... When we're talking together; I have to ask them out....