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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1021)
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- October 2019
Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
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A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Working through the neighborhood

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:34 am

Its a death neighborhood. For me it is like a war site from the past. The jungle I fought in as a boy and was destroyed in ( not really a physical violence, except sexual violence against me, and other intimidations, and a thousand other catastrophes). I have come back to gain my ground. What a horrible thing! and what a horrible thing that happened. IT reminds me of Cannibalism. Its at the same level. People eating others because of greed and lack of humanity. How low will the human race go. That was a funny comparison.

This is the death area for me ( the physical area I was brought up)! I was destroyed here. and I live on this same street! I see my old house every time I ride my full suspension mountain bike in its direction. Its horrible. ITs necessary. and its working. God is working. God is with me! And I continue to go to the meetings, and they continue to pull me out of self. And its working. And Im healing up.. and it is not easy. And the people don't understand me! many treat me like a lonely looser type that has no life and no place to go. A harmless weakling dreamer that gets a few moments of self esteem boost by talking when its my turn. A very low status person in the meetings; thats me! I guy that others must lower themselves to hug! to feel better about themselves. Im a lowly safe person that none really wants to hang with. The meeting weirdo with no life. And they are right in some respects. However, they are completely wrong! Im simply someone that will not buy into a bunch of #######4 and worship them, or anyone else! They are not Gods; thats the problem. And its still working for me! ITs hard!

Im not at the social level of sitting with others and joking and opening up! I do not have a cell phone! I have no one to call. I do not call everyone and have a hundred shallow friends. Yet, Im slowly getting better and these meetings continue to give me feedback. And I have a few people that I talk with at times.

If you've read my first blogs! I am much different now. I still talk about the same stuff. But my attitude and level of pain are much different.

Im not talking about the disorders as much. Im talking more about the emotion torture I was dealt and how Im going to get through it alive and move to the other side.

Its horrible to think I have original family members in the area ( home town). I will never see them again. They are complete strangers ( how despicable) . These are people I lived with as a boy ( I grew up with these people in the same house( how sickening). Its just horrible and despicable. However, these are sociopaths. And once they turn into the monster, they are forever gone. They can have no more connection! It bothers them not! they are Godless. Its a waist of time! Im a decent person! I have to get back to loving myself in a decent way!
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Im going through allot of pain, allot of anger, and frustration. Im slowly getting strong enough to see new memories and feel them. And Im reminded that I have nothing, and all is gone! Im working through memories from 40 years ago!

This is a lonely time. I will have to prey for help! Keep working at things, keep preying!

being alone is what is so despicable. Its unbelievable for me! I need to get stronger! work through more pain and memories.. Trust God and keep preying. The stronger I get, the more I heal up, the less dissociation.

And the meetings; I need not forget what others see me as; a threat! and I need not forget this, even if I get stronger.
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I Might go skiing again! Its been so long ago, almost 30 years.

I skied with my father! And that was a horrible time! If I ski, I will remember him and that time. However, Im getting strong enough to go! A friend has asked me to go. I don't know if it will happen this year. Im not sure. Im getting reminders of who I am!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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