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working through it; like a family system

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 26, 2014 5:45 pm

imagine Im 10 years old, and Ive been hurt, bullied, or emotionally attacked!

I run home to my mom, crawl up into her arms, and cry, then tell her the story! she is their to protect me! she loves me as I tell her what happened! then I point in the direction of these to blame! and I tell her who they are and when it happened! I blame then and point in there direction, and I nark them off!

I go home to where it is safe! a place I am proud of; I have a home; look at me! I have a mother n father! and Im so proud! I have a neighborhood! I have friends! I have a school!

So, I go home to tell those in charge that I trust; with in the family system that protects me; that bad people are mis treating me!
Soon, after crying and trying, and letting all my feelings out! I go out to the backyard and play! soon, I feel better, and along this journey, I stay close to home, being reminded that I have a place of safety and decency! I don't have to go anywhere else!

For awhile the above was true!

after my father left; The above concepts in the above paragraph did not exist! What took over was the equivalent of a nazi prison camp! My mother was a sadistic sociopath; as Ive mentioned 1 million times in all my blogs; all my human decent rights were taken away!

The first order of the day; The house was sold with immediacy, and she moved! in one sweep, my entire history vanished!
I did not know this, but my father was a narcissistic sociopath! When he left, or abandon his children! he could care less! he had his day to day fun! The next time I saw him; he was not the same person! this new person that I saw was a cold blooded thief and possibly rapist! He had no conscious and no remorse! I meant nothing to him, accept possibly how he could swindle something out of me; I was a child! And he had no remorse for the past! everyday was a new day regardless of what he did!

They both left!

I ended up at a relatives; this was the group that created my mother; it was a continues land of hate forced down my throat! its was personal hate toward my father and towards me! over n over n over; everyday! hour after hour after hour! Like being tortured with words and intent!

we were promised things, but they never came true! but my Grandmother later gave his large amounts of cash! I was suffering from dissociative disorder! I do not remember what I did with the money! and I was in such bad mental health, and so heart broken, nothing had an effect on me accept the hope of death! My Grand mother gave me large amounts of money to go to college! but it was useless! My mind was tore up from PTSD and other stuff! I should have been in the nut house getting help; not being around these people!
I do not remember having an interest in anyones money! and their money bought me; what?! I don't remember anything! It got me into school! But life was such a nightmare1

Regardless of her money; my grandmother! she was evil as my grandfather! some might not understand this!
Here is the rule; you treat others as they are, not as you want to see them! You are not their pawns or ownership, regardless if you give them money! abuse is abuse!

The money confused me! I didn't need her money! I needed to be loved, I needed a family! I needed my mother n father back! I needed my life back!

The money was a strange weird thing I don't remember much of! I know it was allot of money! but I don't remember! I don't remember doing anything with it! or what happened to it! nothing makes any sense! nothing!

My Grandmother had some land' The land she left me was swindled out of me by one of the sociopaths that owned the house! I was in a weak mental state, and the attorneys were called! I ended up signing way my rights to the land! I would not have don'e this now!

If I need something, I talk to God! God is where I turn!

I know that bringing up money might hurt my story; sound like I was being taken care of! I wasn't! I was being taken care of like a prostitute is taken care of by a pimp! What I did not realize then ; I needed to get out, and away from those people!

The kind of people I needed to be around; I would have to create or find! I did not know this!

I lived in a middle class dream world as all of this was going on! I had to! I had to live in shattered dreams as this was going on! it was like being in a war zone, where your whole life is destroyed!

I was being destroyed! over n over n over by these sociopaths! All of them turn out to be sociopaths!

I was raped in that house; Grandparents house! This was another place of evil! I need to be psychologically evaluated!

After many atrocities! and much later in life with much 12 step group work and outside work; therapists, as I began the complex work to get the Dissociative systems to come down, I began to discover more healing; I began to feel things again! I could feel nothing before this!

I learned, that I needed a village of people to take my problems to; feel safe, to dump my stuff, learning to feel safe, tell my story, blame the right people for what happened! tell everyone they did it, what they did to me! I needed to be loved and cared for, and feel safe! and point the fingers at the bad guys! and with enough work, of admitting what really happened!

Admitting what happened;
I was taken! I was used, I was swindled out of my inheritance and my life and my way of life! I was destroyed! I was geographically removed from my origins and known way of life!

My life was tortured into existence and there is real evidence that I was raped and tortured from 0 to 5 years old! I was later raped again between ages 11 and 13! and that did a horrible mess to every part of me! including destroyed my nervous system around people! I destroyed it period!

I lost every person from that time period! and all related family systems! including brothers and cousins, that kind a thing and all close friends! and best friend!

The whole experience was false! it truly was the greatest of disasters for a child to experience! I was not prepared! no one told me! I had no idea!

I was hit with this family genocide like an axe cutting my throat! it was quite, and the blow complete! It was deliberate! but sociopaths don't think about other people or the effects their behavior have on other people! They mindlessly act or calculatedly act! they are like lions by the lake! they wait to spot there prey! and when their prey is safety alone or away from the herd, they attack with complete aggression and kill the target!

Its no different in a family of humans when the house owners are sociopaths!

The point of this blog! Im slowly getting better, because Im telling my story and my truth, over n over n over, until Ive gotten it out to the right listening groups! and ive told on those that did this to me!

My original memory system goes up to 10 years old then stops! Everything up to age 10 is what Im interested in; nothing past that age! Everything past that age is dysfunctional! Im wounded and trying to figure out how to fix the wounds!

Im starting to remember the time period around 10 years old! Im allowed to! Im able to remember and start working on it! start to see my past! start to see what happened!

Im alive, so I survived and am slowly healing!

I have a separate personality up to age 10! And those memories are starting to slowly trickle down into my present thinking; mind!

The idea is to be self sustaining!

I have allot of humiliating things that were done to me from my past! Ive worked through many of them! It reminds me of a prison camp; what they go through! the way they are controlled by those in control!
As an adult, I was always controlled by my mother, because I was pulled away from my family to young! It was done on purpose!

And I paid a big price for being around this evil person! Every time I was around this person I got swindled or destroyed! same for my father! They simply left when I was 10 years old! My father started talking about leaving when I was 7 years old! He said it was my fault! and everyone else who was not on his side! And this is perfect words from a sociopath! this is exactly what they do! they look for something free to get involved in! When it comes time to pay for it! they are gone! regardless of the damage done!

Later in my life when Im extremely mentally sick! I have some money left to me! I talk to my father about it! he has no problem spending it on a car he thinks will work for me! What he does not understand is; this is not his money! he's just having fun spending it at the moment! its the moment that counts for these type of creatures! They are not helping me! And they don't care if they ever see me again! its laughable for them!

I needed a father! he didn't care! if I was dead, he didn't care! my future interests; they didn't care! who I was as a person, meant nothing!

My mother was much worse! she is in the serious side of sadistic sociopath! These type of people are out to kill! and they don't want you ever coming back, and they don't care what happens to you!

I was happy as a boy, I think I can be happy again!

I was bullied in school! this took a great toll upon me! I was not safe! its the fact I was not safe; no father protecting me! it told me I had no family anymore! thats what it meant! I was worth nothing to everyone!

Im not sure what happened with my best friend! I think what happened; I don't want to look at! He and he's family meant more to me then I meant to them! I had no value! and they were not interested! They were never the solid people that liked me that I thought they were!

Sociopaths are thieves! thats what they do! thats what they are! if you are around them; they will steal from you! thats what they do! they steal! and sooner or later, they will steal from you! they have no conscious about it! give them a chance, they will take anything! and they will steal it in front of your face! Better to get away from them and never talk to them again!

I believe as I got older, I had no interest to the sociopath anymore! they were just using me! they did not care about my childhood as I thought they did, or my schooling! They cared about nothing! they were pure sociopathic! I never understood this until it was to late! until I was overran and destroyed!

Now looking back; this is hard!

A terrible and unfortunate tragedy occurs when been controlled or under the care of the sociopath; it happened!
When a child or someone innocent is in the care of a sociopath; and the child does not know this is a sociopath! the child assumes as a human child would! they see the best! they want to live like a human being!

What the child does not know; there environment is not safe! not safe day to day! If the child feels any kind of safety, they naturally reach out to the community to make friends and establish connections for their future! Unfortunately for them; for the child! there future is uncertain!

In the present; the idea or goal is; get through the past, that most of me is present again! Ive developed! thats the goal! developing past where I came from; saying goodbye to the past!

Im getting close; sort a! The idea is; you learn from your family, or friends, and move on from there!
What these people did to me was unthinkable and still beyond me! beyond my comprehension! they throw me away! I have no rhyme or reason behind it!

I assume my mother is behind it! she called these people and told them I was the worst trouble maker, worthless slacker! but why would they believe it! why would they take sides against a child! unless they are to crucify that child! I don't understand!

They tried to mold me into someone subordinate; someone worthless! but I was not worthless! I simply was not! none of this makes any sense! they were not friends of mine! nothing makes any sense!
I spent my childhood at their house! I don't understand!
I was thrown away because I no longer lived their! meaning, I no longer lived down the street! I know longer had a place to live! a real place! I was thrown at relatives! they took me in reluctantly! and my mother split! went to the other side of the state, and started another life! marrying another person! And yet another after that! No conscious!

When your dealing with people who have no conscious; they make a decision, and never look back or think about what they did! and they have no remorse or guilt!

Whey you talk to a sociopath about what they did to others! they claim they are innocent and the other person never went through anything; they deny they had anything to do with the other persons pain, and deny the victims story! They would claim there was nothing wrong with me, and nothing happened to me! And they would claim, they did nothing wrong! and this goes on for ever n ever!

The sociopath looks to hook up with others, that can protect them! they are looking for protection because of what they did to others previously!
Sociopaths hookup with others for external reasons! they end up destroying every system they get involved with! Something is going to get destroyed!

The sociopaths acts as complete ownership of any situation! and they possess everything regardless! If they remarry; the man they marry is theres! the previous children of the marriage from the mans side are out of luck! The sociopaths takes complete ownership of the man! will not allow his past children to be part of his life! She is the new wife! she takes owner ship!

It is very hard to go through all this information; it triggers me to death! but it all helps! Its incredible what Ive been through and seen! really beyond imagination!

Im hoping to work though the past! get through it and become who I am to become!

Its one of those things where; you get better, you heal up, and then you want to move as far away as possible!
And by doing so; moving away, this suggests, your childhood was finished! completed! you remember the good times, and it got worked through, and now your moving on with your life! and that is what I'm working toward!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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