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Working through early childhood; Im still crazy

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:58 am

One of the problems with people of my ( our) backgrounds; many of us; some of us; I assume, I think?; the parental areas of life were destroyed and left us abandon and desolate! As a child, the only safety I had were parents! When they turned out to be no good and or non human or criminal minded and much worse; It was over before it started; I have been exploited from the beginning! So, all my dreams were over! I have been manipulated since the the day I was born! And it is from that first day to about the 10th year, that I have to look at! not fun! I can feel the child in me start to get scared!
For those who can understand; When your dealing with parents who have no conscious, Who are non human; they do not generally give off signals of a greater terror to come; a life death terror that I should have been preparing for! I did not know I had to prepare for my own death! I had no idea I was with the type of brutal non human monsters that thought about such things! I did not know! I was unprepared! My only crime; the dangerous time of life; childhood! For many childhood is a time of protect and fun! For children like me! I was being destroyed right under my feet and finely ruptured in thrown out! All dreams and hoped destroyed! if I killed myself; no one would have ever known or cared why! I didnt exist! I was a throw away and the world did not care!

Im attempting; with Gods help, the best I can to learn to be present when PTSD of the past hits; when I think Im back in childhood! Any level of childhood is bad bad bad! I have to go back their and take ownership of myself and get myself out of their! but the child in me is not ready to know what the adult in me knows! The child in me is hanging on to bread crumbs of the past! The child in me has already lost so much! anymore, and it will send him over the edge! Lights out! but I think he's getting the message; and the message is; Im on his side and he's on my side and God is on our side!
Trusting God is the pivot of this axis! This is the hardest thing of its deliberate nature, Ive ever done! Certainly, Ive been through demoralizing things; torturous things that left me legally insane; however, I have food and a place to live and payee and a bit of state money to live, so; Im not on the streets! Yet, trusting God is worse then some of these other hardships! The trust part is hard. I feel like trusting God is part of what Im dissociating from! I never believed God; I thought he was then upper middle class God that destroyed others who did not trust the middle classes anymore or the upper middle class or the rich! Those who have vs those who have not! I thought I was Gods enemy and God proved it! and I was just a child! or an older child!

The child in me must come home; come to me! I have to go get him; and possibly, thats where my coward-ess is! Im trying to go get him and Im being blocked from PTSD and past bulling and intimidation! Others have stepped in between me and myself; blocked me from interacting with myself and taken me over as a hostage or captive through fear and intimidation; once they saw or see they can get away with it; happily they will continue!
I act as if I have this home from my childhood to run to; its all I have left; the feeling and imagination of safety; and it is not real! non of it was safe, and I must leave! I must pack my bags and never go back and never go back to this virtual world! It was a good dream in a haunted nightmare!
You've heard of the story of a child having a nightmare and waking up to a nice bed in a nice room in a nice house; " it was just a dreams" says your mother. " we're back home now"! In my case, Im having a good dream, and thinking its reality, suddenly to find myself; as I wake up, in a nightmare; reality is the nightmare; and having no preparations to deal with it; I woke up into a nightmare with no stability; The stability I believed in was a childhood fantasy; but I didnt know. I didnt know I was in a fantasy bond! The whole experience had been contrived! I felt the universe forsook me!
I was used and manipulated from the day I was born; I was manipulated because thats what sociopath/psychopaths do! They have no use for humans; they consider themselves above humans; Humans are captured and used for the psychopaths entertainment!
Im trying to get in touch with what happened to me! Im trying to got over it or work through it! I am seeking alignment and its happening! I have to keep going!
My childhood was not real; it was not real because it was created not to be real from those around me! It was conceived this way from the beginning by demonic forces that destroy human children! I was not wanted; never wanted; but I did not know this! and I did not understand the extent of the type of monsters I was dealing with!
I remember my father complaining to my mother that her parents were not safe to be around and not safe for me to be around! I would listen to them talk about their relatives and their relationship with their relatives and their parents! I would be around their relatives and their parents on both sides!
What I didnt know; they never had any relationship with their own relatives or parents; altho they would hang out with them at times; these monsters or sociopaths were never wanted by any of these people! These people never loved them! The psychopaths were throw away children; completely unloved from the very day they were born! but worse; much worse; they were completely destroyed by the time they were 5 years old! They would visit their parents or relatives and take me with them; people who had brutally psychologically or physically or mentally and spiritually and emotionally exploit them. My mother I believe was sexually destroyed them! In reality, these 2 sociopath/psychopaths were actually visiting people that did not want them! These 2 people, when visiting these relatives were actually visiting nothing! They were going back to people that had no love or feeling for them! I loved my mother and father at first; until I realized what they were; then I was stunned and in fear.
Its strange when these sociopaths would fight about each others parents or relatives! In reality, neither had any relationship with them; and never had! or to see 2 sociopaths fight with each other as one was a better monster then the other!
As a child, I had no upbringing; meaning, the reason these sociopaths/psychopaths had children is unclear from a human stand point! From a psychopathic stand point, having children is simply a way of legal hostage taking! And thats what it was! I was lied to and manipulated and led on; finally into nothing and thrown away! The psychopath is conniving and ruthless in their ability to hide what they are! They wait for the right moment to strike!
These people; these psychopaths dissociatively went back to their parents and others who did not love them, who abused them to start with; and would revisit them! They acted like everything was OK! In reality, these psychopaths were never home mentally, they were total robots with no conscious left!
Im now starting to see it! the bigger picture. The relatives created these monsters; their mothers and fathers and relatives. Their only interest in life was to revisit these relatives and get revenge at times or show them they were just as good or have a family to go to; In a kind of psychopathic way!
I see they were dissociative as I am; but of a much different nature! I have dissociative disorder, they are waxed psychotic; meaning, their completely destroyed! Certainly, this level of in humanity could not take care of me nor ever have a conception of it! I literally was without anyone from the beginning of my life to now!
Im know telling people Im ###$ up! But I have goals! Im interested in where Im at now and where Im going! the past has little value for me because Ive combed thought it and its just synthetic emptiness! Where Im going; the goals I have to work toward or work with God on; thats whats important!
Now, I consider myself ###$ up! crazy! and thats the problem with me! thats were Im starting out from; Im messed up with goals! I have allot of PTSD that slips in within a hundredth of a second; and Im taken over and stressed! Im working on it!
Last edited by Snaga on Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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