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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Working through dissociation

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 06, 2021 7:04 am

As I think about the girl who liked me from the meetings last year; over a year ago; the last women I know of that liked me. I was asleep; dissociated from it. I was not present nor strong enough to be present and I think I needed to be present. I dont know what the affect would be. I mean; I refused to be present for her. She was way to over the top aggressive. I do believe she was interested in me. At what level or how; I dont know; but I think I would like to think I know. I knew; but I dont... Id have to reference it with her and Im not going to be pulled into a wirlpool. I refuse. Im not getting pulled down with the ship; Something about people manipulating me; it doesn't work; I dont want it; I stayed dissociated.
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Im not sure why I was dissociated accept to say that it was 2 much information and 2 fast. but I believe; even tho she was sick mentally emotionally; deep down she liked me. I saw it. but it got her nowhere and that was the problem. She never looked at her own behavior and never will I assume.
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But; talking to God; Im suppose to wake up; I wasn't awake. Im suppose to stay awake when I think about her not get pulled into some dream world; im suppose to stay awake and Im trying and learning how not to dissociate; and its hard and I dont know what Im going to find; possibly my manhood and maybe ill see things from a whole different perspective. I dont know.
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She went out with another man; and that end everything on the spot not to ever return... But; I see God wanting me and working with me to wake up... to be present... Im working on it; not good at it or practiced at it. Dont know what Im doing here. Id have to feel safe; I dont.
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So; my goal with all this stuff is to wake up.
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IF the girl ever came back to me in the perfect situation where I could say she is a safe; I would still never believe her or trust her ever; she crossed the line; a line that my nervous system will never allow to be crossed again... So; she is out; and as I write this; I am to stay awake because staying awake is whats missing; its whats keeping me disabled. I cant function when I not present or dissociated; So its practice and its God making things happen.
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I mentioned about getting kicked out of 2 face book groups a few days ago; shocked me; but it also taught me about what being " LOCKED OUT". feels like; I guess I needed to know what that term meant; God was showing me something. So; I ended up getting back on Facebook looking up other trauma based clubs; groups; and Ive ended up with 7 or 8 more groups. And ive made a different in a few peoples lives already by the comments ive left. Ive noticed people in a way that others did not. Maybe thats all it was about. I dont know; God knows. and I could tell Gods hands were in it. Its also about saving me and keeping me safe. Dont know. To my surprise I ended up on another group that was three times bigger then the one I was kicked out of; same kind; shocked me.... Dont know.
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ITs about getting control of my own mind; staying present so I can make decisions and thats the really hard part; thats about waking up; thats what its about; hard stuff. waking up.
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I have to be awake to meet people. meet women. Make things like Art work.
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Fear put me to sleep. So; God is teaching me how to stay awake.
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God is teaching me how to stay awake and stand up for myself and stay awake during it. All the things I wanted to do when young I would have had to have been awake through all of it; And since asleep through dissociation; I was in a dream world; no way I could do anything in the real world; well; thats changing. but not yet; but yes; its happening in its own way right now slowly but its happening; Im changing.
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Im staying awake through my feelings of the past.. Best way to describe it. Facing those feelings right now. Staying awake.
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I used to have my best friend but no more; he is not a friend of mine; I was mistaken; very proud of myself to no better now. But Im more alone; so I must work with God to stay awake.
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As for this girl from the past; last year. My orders from God; stay awake. Thinking about her boyfriend puts me to sleep or dissociates me and I think thats what they were counting on≥ And I am to wake up to it and keep awake and I think I know why; because very quickly she will be of no importance to me once awake and facing what they did to me; the treacherous nature of these people. And I will very soon have no feelings for the person and I will look at her feelings toward me in a much different way. I will see someone that has contempt for me and maybe feels sorry for me because she likes me but has a boyfriend; poor girl! And thats the kind of mentality Im really dealing with. And Im noticing I dissociate into 9th grade on the coast when I think about her and her boyfriend. IT triggers my PTSD... I have to stay awake. I get triggered because it was an act of aggression against me by psychopaths or players and that may well be all she really is ahead the rest is my make believe. And the fact I love her or like her. or maybe not or; I mean I loved her in a dissociated condition state; what if I was not dissociated;' how would I feel about her; my real feelings toward her; probably nothing. Maybe sex... but even that scary....
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So; Im dissociating my real feelings about her; I liked her even tho I knew she was a psychopath; something like that I dont want to face; she bullied me but I really wanted to have sex with her... I found her attractive and Im ashamed of it. because I have contempt for what I saw and I knew she was a low life with no values but I didnt care. I wanted that tramp... But I didnt want anyone to know. Or; I am in love with her and dont want anyone to know and Im trying to disqualify it.
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I say she knew I was in love with her and played on it. entrapped me on it by sleeping with another man. She got ahold of my feelings; trampled them under her feet and tore me to pieces and gained personal power by doing so; so she could look powerful in front of other people; because thats where her heart really is. Did it back fire. I dont know.
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I think the general masses reading this; who ever they may be would wonder why Im scrapping at such a low level with a predator like this... Why even be in dangerous situations like this. Because I loved her. Why? I felt so low about myself Ill take her? I tried to take a low life and make her into something else in my dream world.... and I liked believing that until she ripped me to pieces completely. not that she didnt show red flags all the time getting worse and worse and I wasn't listening. And I still havent let go of my image of her because maybe theirs a slight chance she actually innocently loved me and she is my Mary Anne and will come and find me and rescue me or Ill rescue her and we will live happily ever after; I sure hope so; would that be nice; thats all I was looking for. So; I think im needing to stay awake as I write this; and its getting really hard; im wanting to dissociate and not stay awake and deal with this or accept it.
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The triggering Im going through is me being forced to wake up to my past; thats what this is for; God is tryiing to make me healthy again. IT will be awhile but I get it.
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In a happy healthy safe environment I would have been awake emotionally and mentally and thriving and happy and applying myself and God is trying to bring that person back around again and I think he can do it; but it will be awhile. Its my heart hes trying to bring present and I think its working but I have to feel safe where Im at and my brain gets attack from critical voices and faces all the time during this triggering and that triggering puts me to sleep.
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So; I dissociate at so many levels and when I think Im wake concerning one situation im working on; the next thing I know; Im talking to someone about what happened to me last year; Ill talk to them for about 10 minutes; and as I wake up; Ive been talking to someone in my head because I was not present I was in my head and dissociating the whole time just talking to myself out loud for 10 minutes disjointed and not knowing it... or being taken off by this conditioning and never being able to stop and question it until I finally am able to and thats about 10 minutes later. Im better; but its a slow process to stay awake... Ill keep working with God on it.
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The goal is to trust God and stay awake. The goal is to feel safe outside .. To feel safe; to stay awake. That is the real goal. everything else; even the stuff about people and women and the past; its all in my head; all of it like a giant constant jungle that takes over my conscious mind; Im no longer here anymore; no longer present and I believe everything I see in my head has being real instead of realty being real and I dont know where Im at literally. So; im trying to stay awake So I dont get pulled into the nightmare.... And to to sleep.
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Im starting to question why the only place I can go is a 12 step meeting; I understand about relief.; but Im wondering what I have to do to come up with new places in my imagination that Gd will owner for me to go.
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Ive had no luck at those places for wife.. nothing. So; Im not sure where to go accept Im seeing myself with someone like Mary Anne from Gilligan's Island. Someone nice. But I have to become nice myself. Not narcissistic and angry and trapped.
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IVe had no luck in the real world for a wife because I havent really been out in the real world. not really; not a anywhere that counts; I dont know where to go.
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I keep thinking about a family; I had horrible luck with them when young; hated and thrown away; pure hatred on all sides everywhere. unbelievable horror.
However, Now; when analyzing it; the family systems I came from where not family systems; my best friends family was no family of mine; I was just being used and didnt know it; thus; I can see it as a giant trap or mistake; Yes; Im sore; It hurts; I mean it was a form of abuse; but looking back at the way I was treated later; I get it; they knew they didnt want me their and I was being used by them; when I came back around them; They didnt want me because they never wanted me in the first place... I was just being used; they were not friends of mine; my mistake. Fair enough. Their son who I thought closer then a brother; no friend; all fake persona... cold as ice; totally planned and faked.... I got it. Never saw it coming. Horrible. killed me; still does but doesn't. I know better now... still bad.. but Im not waisting time on fools and sociopaths anymore... or evil; and thats what those people are and were pure evil and I am not.
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So; where do I go. Where does God want me. As I keep waking up. I must remember Ive been asleep. the dissociative condition was fierce; not a game; I was catatonic basically for 2/3rds of my life. Im still ill from it; that and the CPTSD.
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The point is; I have to keep going and working with God.
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The problem with women has been; possibly the location I've been at; God has brought me women who were interested in me from within the 12 step meetings and that has not worked because they are viciously 2 faced; unbelievable. One person wanted to be with a street psychopath because he would not expect anything of her; for her to conform... Another liked me but if I didnt respond immediately; she started hanging out with lots of other men.... and dated some of them and finally came back to dating another one; basically dating him over me but came back to me to give me a last chance. I was horrified. Im not going out with someone who is going to give me a last chance; I just seized up and walked away from her. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She came at me twice but both times with her new boyfriend to give me another chance;. I almost puked... sick weirdo's. And this kind of story of deception goes on n on n on. The last one I dealt with last year; As soon as I let my guard down and thought about giving her another chance; at the same moment; she brought another guy into her courtship and started courting him right in front of me. I was in shock. I mean; Im better then this; no one has to go through this type of sickening treatment.... Why would I even associate with people like this. So; No Go as far as women in those meetings. So; what is left. the outside world I dont fit into=...
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Im not sure. Ill work with God; I dont know. I really dont get it. Ill have to keep working with God until I can wake up... I guess.
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Im not around any people that appreciate anything about me. And Ill have to work with God on who does and where to find them. I dont know...
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I cant even find a girlfriend; impossible. Its like being in a desert... I have no idea. I just dont. I require that they do not cheat on people. I would like someone on her knees all day long praying to God; just like I do. A nun maybe; I person of faith; I mean someone like that; a decent person I guess. yes. Someone safe... decent person who values me. Ill have to work with God on it.
I dont like what happened the last time; the type of person that was brought me scared me. That did not work and I dont understand why God brought them to me; is that really what I asked for; My God Ive got to be more careful about what Im thinking about.
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My mind does not register the right places to meet people nor do I think I have anything to offer; not after what Ive seen out here. I have nothing really. God would have to bring someone that sees Im a soulmate; but my God not a psychopath like the last one; my God; that was un un-recognizable. I cant do anything with a psychopath....
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So; where do I fit in; I dont know; all I see is myself as a boy watching Gilligan's Island and thats as far as it goes; nothing else. And I may have to start their with God to get all of this figured out. Everything is way way off. my whole life; but I must remember; I didnt even have a life before; it was closed off from mental illness. So; who knows...
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One area would be nice; to stop expecting things and start writing about what I want and go after it and stop expecting things. ive got this damn character flaw that someone owes me something and its driving me f_cking crazy and I wont just go after what I want; define it and go after it. damn. But Im getting closer; but my whole nervous system is stuck in this quicksand of expectation nonsense.
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I would like to get to a place of knowing what I want and going after it. damn. especially with women. Theirs so much ego and no soul and the way Im acting and its got to stop because thats not what I really want; I mean; what the hell am I doing? ive lost my mind.... no one owes me anything.
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I would like to get back to reality please; I mean; im acting like I dont have to do any work; Im like this is nuts; instane. crazy... I will continue to do the work to get me out of this dream world nonsense...
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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