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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Working out of it; the struggle continues

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm

It will be a struggle until I can move my focus to what I want to do with my life instead of where I cam from or the abuse associated with it.
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You will know the difference when I can make directive decisions for myself leading into creative new directions for my life.
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Im working with stories of a new life; and Im going to write them the way I always wanted my life to be.
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This is not easy; none of it; the key to writing is; to understand the blocks will show up first in the writing before they show up in reality; it will show up when Im writing. the pain is handled and worked through while writing because it shows up; I can recognize the pain; and work on through writing; there goal is to keep writing about what I want until no blocks show up as Im writing.
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The struggle continues; when will I know the struggle is on its way; new friends; possible live show of my stuff; having some of my music written and played by a quartet; that would be a start; acting school; that would be a start; to be in acting school; I would have to learn how to memorize; I would have to learn how to practice this.
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Ive always been worried about my lines if I was an actor; Im not sure why I didn't become an expert at memorization; why did I give up; because I don't want to be in those situations that someone comes down on me trying to control me and putting me on the spot. I want no part of it. Id be put on the spot if I was an actor; but if I want to be an actor; Id have to dedicated to it; and dedicated to things that don't bring in money; bothers me; so; I never did anything and I never brought in any money; I refused.
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So. the fact is; I have never done anything that would bring in money; I never learned and I gave up on trying to be the real me with my talents in the world; I gave up; not money no direction; and don't know what to do about it. .
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I tried suicide; that did not work; Im crazy enough to kill myself; been mentally ill enough to kill myself; but never wanted to kill myself; I wanted to get off this planet; I wanted to die to get out of here; its not working for me on this planet; but I never actually wanted to die; and thats the difference between me and the people that are all ready gone.
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It doesn’t do any good for me to be in a job I hate; Im just a slave; and I wont perform; at some point; I refuse and stop.
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Ive never really been myself anywhere; Ive never really created an environment to be myself. I don't know how; nor had the faith to believe; if someone said I had to pay 5000 bucks a month for a lot downtown; to rent to be myself; thats nice; wheres the 5 Grand a month come from; and their it is; Id have to work with God to get the plans from the universe for the 5 grand a month. Ive never had any will for anything; I just didn't care; not after what Ive been through by the people in this society; after being murdered in this society; hated for no reason; prejudice, un appreciated at every level; completely looked over by society as if I was stupid and un talented; ridiculous. And Im suppose to go back out into this society and do what? And thats what Im trying to figure out; what am I suppose to do; who am I really; what am I suppose to do; what will I be so interested in that I would rent a shop down town for 5 grand a month; rent a space and do something; I don't know. So, I have to find out; thats my next challenge.
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meeting women as the real me is also my challenge; meeting nice women; not these worthless SJW feminist nonsense with their sexual market value nonsense.
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What do I want to do with my life? I know I like art; do I want to do this professionally; what about a writer; or at least; how do I take this to the next level; how do I get into it; wears my support for such things; people support; groups I can go to for support. I feel like; if I take it to the next level; I get fired, I get used, Im get treated worthless and I get robbed.
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What about making money?
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So; I have allot of things to work on; to catch up to; Im not sure of the pathways to these things or believing any of this is possible; but Im going to trust the universe.
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I have a path; but I was killed on that path; and Im expected to go back out on that path; its a path of anger and poverty; it has been ruined; now; Im trying to clean up that path; get all the garbage off it and start over on that path; and go down the proper steps that lead to life, liberty wealth and happiness.
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I have a hard time developing anything. Doing anything; but a force of momentum is building; and we will see what comes of it. I mean; nothing is coming of it yet; I have work to do; the biggest problem is commitment; having a good attitude about getting good at something; its so very hard for me; Im not going to put myself out where I can get slaughtered; Im investing myself in a world that does not care about me or what happened to me; uses me spite-fully.
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ITs hard to feel safe; I want to feel safe; its hard and I have to figure out how to feel safe and do the things I like to do; thats me doing something for me down my own path; I have to go down my own path; Ive been slaughtered so many different times down my own path; someone else comes on to it and ruins everything; finally, I give up; I just give up.
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I have to start writing more stories about my expanded life doing the things I want to do; Im being stopped by the pictures of past sociopathic bullies; their in my head and my mind and nervous system controlling me; I have to work through this and de power them some how. or, I work with God and the universe creating new stories of defeating the or moving beyond them or something; unfortunately they were real and it wasn’t a video game.
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I have to keep writing stories until the wall come down on stepping out side and taking chances; feeling as good as anyone else; Ive got this survival apprehension; it blocks my first moves; it bocks me from general reality; right from the start; dissociation; so dissociation has to go down.
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Problems with money; I have to learn for the first time to set my intention without knowing how it will happen; this bothers me; I have to set an intention where the money goes with the intention; if I have an intention for taking a trip to the lake for three days; the car must be their and the money must be their; this is not money Im borrowing; this is money that shows up for the trip; free of charge.
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The universe has to help me understand how to make money; that you receive money; and that is one of my obstacles; However, I can feel it; energy is wanting to move through this area; I must see it in my head first before I see it in front of me and not forget this.
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The mind has to move.
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If I want a car; I have to see if first in my head; thats where the work is...
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Here is an example of a problem I have; I see myself going to Loon Lake; a place I went to as a boy for vacation; lots of pain associated with that place; I dont want to go; I want an Asian girlfriend to go with me; my soulmate. next; the money to go; next; the vehicle to go; and something is missing because thats allot of work; girlfriend, money, vehicle; to go to Loon lake. Do I really believe; what do I really want; I want to be settled in with money and the middle class; married because I go; possibly go somewhere else; that place has anger and to many memories of bad people and places and things; I just might find something else; but in finding something else; I really really have to want to go; and mean it; and really feel it; and dam it; I dont want to f_cking go alone; and then theirs the money; So; it seems like so many obsticals in life; that life does not want me to live or to be here; Im not wanted here; thats the way it sounds; its to hard to find all of these things to go on a trip; I would rather die; kill myself and leave this miserable experience; who would want to live here; so; what do I do; become a slave to get the money! Does anything matter out here in La LA land; what do I do? thats what Im working on.
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Im getting closer and more tolerant I guess; I have to learn how to believe again; write stories of what I want; and be inline with it; I wont take any less.
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I asked the universe for a truck; I got everything else but the truck; I got someone elses truck to go mountain biking; I did not want someone elses truck; I wanted my truck or the money to rent my own truck; something like that; something; anything other then what I got; I dont want what I got and Im so tired of getting less then Im worth; I hate it and Im trying to work with the universe to understand how to believe I can be committed to doing something I actually believe in; Money is everything; its whats stopping me from everything; so money is the primary issue with the universe.
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Believing is a problem; and it has to be solved in my head; in my imagination; and Im working on it; if I really believed in doing something fun; really doing it; I might believe; but its a 2 edged sward; and the universe would have to show up with plans for me to do the things I want; and the universe can play no games with me; nothing; its got to show up with the plans; my mind cant take this anymore; its got to show up and continue to show up.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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