Scared to face bullies; scared to talk to women; this is the next big thing to admit and work to get over; Its almost phobic. I end up fantasizing about women but never asking them out; never showing confidence; just fear. But then Im never around anyone I actually feel safe going out with; and I think that frustrates me and confuses me.
Im getting down to it; Im shy around girls( women). Ive never overcome it. Never knew how. When women were attracted to me; they would ask me for sex; I would never take them home; ashamed I guess... I would ask women out and never go any further with them; ashamed I guess because I wanted to have sex with them but at the same time I wanted a mother and I wanted all of life to go away; I just wanted a family and a friend... I didnt want to be out here anymore. but Ive never been able to tell them that. Never thought about it before... telling them the truth about how I feel; afraid they would walk away from me... Now; Im not sure about anything anymore... I dont trust anyone. dont know who to trust; never have. Never ever gotten anywhere with the opposite sex. Not sure.
.
I never felt the women I really wanted to date would accept me; why would they. I was always alone... I was alone in a hostile world that has always lied to me. I just dont get it... Im not sure where to connect to find these right people; I just dont get it. I hate the idea of being humiliated over n over n over n over n over n over n over to fight the right people to date; but I guess; I will have to learn to fight for what I want. And go after what I want. I never follow through with anyone or anything.
Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde; The adult wanting someone the child wanting a mother; the child being 6 years old.. both at the same time; conflicting messages. My conscious telling me not to use someone; The adult in me asking someone out properly and is that really using someone or is it the teenager in me's immaturity not feeling good enough for this. Could be; Im thinking of the bad situations Ive had with my mother and I dont want anymore of this... Non of it... But Im never telling the new women Im interested in; Im not really telling her the truth.
.
Maybe Im a monster; and I just want to use them and throw them away... Maybe thats it. its just so frustrating; all of this. Why does it have to be like this all the time... Its been this way all my life.. I just dont get it. If I had nice girls(women) to go out with; none of this would ever be an issue. I just dont feel good enough for a nice person... I dont believe they will appreciate anything about me. I dont believe it.. I think Ill be passed on...
.
I dont want middle class shallowness. Im experiencing that right now at a Christian 12 step meeting; its unbelievable. Ive already had prejudice and judgment and bulling... Some of the women thinking they are superior or Im an inferior weakling... I mean; its ridiculous... I was almost spit on by some rich guy in the mens meetings; he didnt want me to get close to him because of the clothing I was wearing; this is precisely why I wear the clothing I do with these ingrates; they are not worth my time... Sickening.
.
I just want to be above things enough to be safe.. I dont know... A wall exists between me and the women I want to meet... And Ill have to really work on this; Ill have to really look at some blogs on this... Create some blogs on this... Find out what the real problem is here... I think Im to good for most of the women ive met. Mainly because they thought they were 2 good for everyone else... I wanted to prove them wrong; ask them out and then dump them. But is that what I really wanted; I mean; This whole thing is crazy.... I dont have a clue anymore whats going on.... OR what I want. I mean; I cant even take care of myself; Im on state funding; it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't even function. maybe; I should ask the question; who do I think I am.... I dont know; My ego might be part of this; or all of this; or underneath its fear of survival; I dont think I can match up; its fear and shame... shame of not having anything and not feeling good enough about myself because of a lack of money.... and its all about money. Nothing about friendship; nothing. Ill have to work with God on this. And then; women I want to have sex with and I feel guilty; but its reverse pride; I really do want to have sex with them but a superior person doesn't do that with inferior people. Something like that. Or superior upper class people want to fit in with their upper class friends and dont do these horrible things; find lesser people to use for sex... Something snobbish like that. So; ive got allot of stuff two work through and get honest about... something is horrible wrong and off; complete lies here. Cowards on my part. Horrible. Women might point out where Im actually in life if I bring them into my life and I just cant handle the realities of that... Im to scared to find out... or to deal with this...
.
I dont want to be with someone who throws me away for someone else.
.
I was talking on FB groups several times about women that have liked me. Many people have commented; " you can get better then that; you dont have to go through that; your worth more then that!"; It seems most or all of the women I've been interested in dont treat me very well. I was hoping they would or were the right women but it looks like non of them were. To find or be with the right women would mean economically correct; being at a middle class money level; but Im not. Im a middle class person on a disability and I dont know how to deal with any of these kinds of fears; its to much for my ego. But im not all middle class; Im more trauma class anymore and dont fit in with the middle class anymore; I dont trust them anymore then someone in the jails..
.
im just not honest; I mean; Im not expressing my real feelings or real self or standing up for my real self... Im just not... Im holding back.... I dont know why.... Im scared to have a women that wants someone else... I dont want to go through this anymore; Im so sick of it.... over n over n over; I mean nothing to them; they have no value for me. It just dont know; dont know what to do... horrible. I dont know.. I know that if I write about it enough; and start getting the truth out...
.
Something about 6th grade and being bullied and having no memories of that time period; has something to do with all of this.
.
Not really having any friends growing up and not knowing it; being used by the next door neighborhood... neighbors and never knowing it...
.----------------------------------------------
.
Im older and have no wing man; I mean; I dont know what im doing; so; talking to women is something Ill have to learn how to do regardless of the outcome; it makes me so nervous; I dont know how to be myself; Ill have to really look into this and learn how to over come the nerviness; Im almost offended that I have to talk to them. I only want one thing; Im not just talking about sex; I mean; Im interested in dating someone. So... I hate this part of it. cant stand any of this. but I guess I have to learn how to work with a higher power universe and meet people; I guess; its crushing; and ill have to learn how to do it without being crushed or Im not getting anywhere I guess. I dont know. The social aspect is so damn horrible for me; its just unbelievable. The world has not been a very nice place and Ive tried to stay away from it; I just dont get it.
.
Im on a disability for dissociative disorder; I live on state housing. Agoraphobia. But this shouldn't stop me... But something is. And I have to look at my shyness. I dont mind my shyness; I mind the people that are a waist of my time concerning dating. Ill have to make a commitment to it. Im frustrated by whom Im not finding to date; but the reality is; Ive never been around anyone safe enough to date... The last women that liked me; it was a joke. It just was; scary. She had no conscious... nothing. I have to look at that and wonder what God is doing here... If this is some kind of joke?
.
The social aspect is the hardest for me... I have CPTSD; I dont know! I really dont know. Ill have to work with God on this stuff. Its just horrible; really; I feel like Im exposing myself to a child molester; thats what it feels like... no protection... I dont trust anyone... no one has ever given me a reason TO trust them; ever! Nothing!
.
I can sit n watch porn the remainder of my life or do something about this.
.
I was thinking bout my best friend when young as a wing man; but he was never my friend; it Was all false; all of it; unbelievable. I mean; thats a good example of the real world to me; all fake..... No clue... I dont know. well; if I want women; its up to me. Ill have to work with God to close this gap... I have to learn how to feel good about myself... and be around the right people?
--------------------------------------------------------
Im not around the right women. Im in 12 step groups of all kinds; most of the women; lots of them dont really want to get all that close to me and they dont appreciate me. I mean; they dont want to get close to me.
.
.
Tonight A women I know came and sat by me; her track record with me is so flighty and personality disordered; When she sat down; I ignored her; I didnt know who it was. Later she said hi. I said hi. I then turned my head to what was in front of me and ignored her. later that night outside; she kind of showed up around me but I NO. I walk away. Ive been manipulated by her to many times... If she has to talk to me; she can come to me and talk to me; but she didnt. as I was leaving; she smiled at me a few times of interest as she walked by and said bye! She was sincere but I didnt care. I could not trust her and thus; no way Im going to open up to her; forget it. And their it is; the whole night spent ignoring her... or minding my own business away from her.
.
The point; Thats nice; I protected myself; I wasn't hovering or needy; I was the silent type focusing on my own stuff. Thats great; but thats not what I want to practice. I would rather have someone to go out with and date.
./
Seriously; at times; most of the time; I think God has no one for me. Im not suppose to be with anyone. How can this be? Or why? I have a contempt wall up I guess... But if all the women I meet; I have to ignore because they do not see the full extent of my value; Whats the point.
.
I would love to be around someone of interest. Someone I click with I guess. And someone I can talk to and be best friends with who is trust worthy.
.
I would love to be with someone who reads me. Someone who can tell that their behavior I dont trust... Someone who's interested in me... I can be interested in someone but I never trust them and they always prove it to me; So; those aren't the right kind of people for me to be around.
.
So; who are the right kind of people.
.
Lyrics from a speed metal song:
.
"What do you mean, I ain't kind"?"
"Just not your kind"
.
Ill keep praying about people showing up. Im not even sure how to present this to God ; as if God doesn't know?...
.
Like tonight; the women sitting next to me; some how it was manipulation. She wasn't really into me as a person.
.
It sucks having to ignore people to the point of being lonely because thats the only way to get a message to them that what their doing is not working... Thats not why I was born.
.
I guess ill have to let my ego go and really start praying about who God wants me around and start meditation again.... This is getting old.
.
.
.
Im going to have to learn to be positive about the outcomes to things. Making real goals; like meeting the right people. thats a huge over the top goal for me... Way out their; but tonight a friend simply said; What I was trying to accomplish were goals. This one is one scary over the top goal. But its a goal. Another was playing in a band; playing guitar I think. My God....
.
So Im getting it. God is sending some hard messages.....
.
I mean; I have to change; its that simple; so; Ive got allot to look forward to.... massive confidence must be developed. I dont even know what it feels like; Im An introvert. Little bits at a time.
.
.
One of the major goals would be to associate with people who value me; people who see my status level; they are aware of it; I dont have to prove it and prove it and prove it over n over n over again and again.
.
.
I was playing the piano after a meeting one day; And after being done; it was at the end of the meeting as the people were leaving; no one left in the room; not to many. After the meeting was done and the people were leaving; I started playing; I didn't do it because I was seeking an audience; I was doing it because I had only a certain amount of time to play before we left; someone else was driving. After I was done and got up to leave; one of the main women in the group said; " thanks for the pretty music"; Or something much worse condescending; it was more like; " we were listening to your neediness to be noticed; do you get you fill?. ive been through this before. I just shined her on. But thats the best she could give me; she was not educated enough to understand I did not need her praise or comments for me to be alive and strive as a human being. The point; I would like to be around people who think first and are sophisticated enough to understand who they are dealing with.
.
The problem is; Ive been tortured to death in these areas... thrown away and treated horribly; When I was actually a very nice down to earth person... No one cared.
.
Feeling safe and participating. I dont feel safe outdoors. I just dont... I dont feel safe around people because I dont have the money or relationships for careers to show anything for life.