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Work issues #1

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:37 pm

These are exploratory blogs for the purpose of writing large amounts that I may view my past experiences on paper. Helps me grow. ITs already working.

I don't expect people to read all of it...

Hmmm..... Take what you like and leave the rest.... Smile...

Nothing can be more compelling for the person on SSI then to be judged about work issues.
" Where do you work"
" What is your occupation"
" What are your future plans of employment"
"Whats wrong with you"
"You don't look like their anything wrong with you"
"You just lack in confidence"
" I wonder if I fake it with a mental illness, will I get to stop working like this guy does"

These are not just scary sentences, their crucifying at times. Their the secret society that no one wants me to know about. The words used behind my back....

I live in a society of status. I live in a society of followers. None thinking people pleasers. Not everyone, Just enough people to ask the wrong questions at the wrong times.


When I was sickest:

1. No bath
2. No wash cloths
3. Possibly didn't brush teeth
4. didn't take care of hair
5. did not shave./at times looked like a mountain man
6. CLothing choice didn't matter much/ bad shoe choice
7. did not clip finger nails or two nails.

Socially, could not have interaction. When I was to close to people I could not look at them. Ever.
People thought I was crazy. I was... horribly framed from the PTSD problems and depression and social avoidance and... Homelessness, The list goes on..

Now after 15 years of work in 12 step groups and outside psych groups. A 6 years with correct diagnosis:

Much improved. Better...

1. Still don't wash clothing. Its getting better.. ?
2. I brush my teeth now that I ruined them... It may be to late.
3. Hair is short, I have the navy pilot look
4. Better selection of clothing choice and understanding of clothing choice
5. 100% better shoes choices..
6. Shaved most of the time. Not as good as it could be. Almost..
7. Clipped toe nail, clipped fingernails. Fingernails are kept at a minimum on regular bases and are clean.. Other facial hair is trimmed or shaved.
8. Not taking baths as shower as much as I should. Its better.

Im not as angry, Im much much better at being around people, for the first time i can look at them closer up. Look at them in the eyes at times. This is still very hard.

Im not slumped over in my chair now. I have studied and learned a new way to hold myself.
Im on a mountain bike all the time. This helps to keep the weight down, and to keep in shape and to let out tension... I have agoraphobia. So being outside is hard. iT adds one more layer of dissociation and that layer gets thicker and thicker as the day goes on, agoraphobic speaking. It is possible to ride a bike outside and still be agoraphobic at a moderate level. Its about managing symptoms. At anytime I can dart away from people when Im on my bike. I can get close to them, not controlled by them.. Im free to ride away..

I don't sound so bizarre when Im sharing in 12 step groups. Not like I used to. I used to scare people. Its was all about killing everything..

Im on topic to the best of my ability. I used to go on for 20 minutes until someone had to stop me. I wasn't aware of time or people or of what I was saying or anything..

At the church Im at, they consider it"ME" a miracle. Im not the freakout raged based person I was when they met me. Im an example of Gods work from the church. Thats their view. God was working in the therapists office, then the 12 step groups ,then the church. And it doesn't really matter I have PTSD and its not going away..

As of Now:

I look good to people or presentable.
I speak intelligently
I have performed piano, and drums in church..
I can dance at dances/ However I have a hard time interacting. These are with people Ive known from 12 step groups.. Its possible to dance at people. Not with them.. I do it every time I dance. I am a hip hop dancer, so dancing doesn't scare me..
I ride a bike outside.

General mental condition: Same as before ( much better). Less symptoms. or Im not afraid of them like I used to be.
I still shut down all the time around people and have to tap all the time to stay present.
I write with my left hand to get in touch with my alters. I do this all the time in front of people. Those watching don't know what Im doing. they think Im scribbling...
I go out at times, shut down. They think Im sleeping..
I have a hard time with crowds, I stay away from people. At a certain distance people begin to bother me..

I keep as much of my symptoms as I can home. Or for home.
Im actually inner acting with people for very short times periods. Not long time periods. They never see the stress or the dissociative disorder. They used to. Now its harder to see. Some may think Im stuck up and ignoring them or aloof. Im not its social phobic city. that is the problem.
I still have agoraphobia and have to go home where it is safe. except on my mountain bike. I can go longer distances with that. If I have to walk I start to freak after a certain amount of time..

Work issues.

agoraphobia and social avoidance has destroyed most of my work life. I simply cant see outside the box. I cant see anything unless I think it will bring me safety to a home base. Like under my bed. My life is very small as far as where I rome. I just want to hide most of the time. Most people don't see this.

1. Dissociative disorder: Impossible for me to show up on time to anything anywhere. I cannot. I think Im being forced into a prison camp where I will be destroyed. I was not ever in war or a traditional prison camp like world war 2. However, I was in a sense regarding some of the houses that I have to live in growing up. I was forced their and tortured their. and for many other reasons I cannot show up on time no matter what. I would be giving in to the enemy, I would have to go into their death camps.
2. Cannot concentrate or finish anything. I have been able to. Its hard, its an art form. Its takes dedication and a long long time, and I cant last very long.
3. Cannot memorize anything.. I forced this issue and learned again how to memorize. However, it is hard, slow, takes to long to be manageable.
4/ PTSD rage. If I go off or loose it , Im out. Out of a job. I wont come back for at least a few days. All I have to do is get triggered. And getting triggered is an easy thing to do..
5. War: I will go to war with those who cross into the killing zone. Its kill or be killed. Their fore if I get crossed, I retreat so that Im not thrown into a prison for my actions. If I have to be this black and white about everything all the time, How am I suppose to hold a job at the same place at the same time.
6. Cannot get close to people or have personal inner action. This is better, However, it is still not a manageable situation within the close proximities of work or home life.
7. Stress of dead lines. Out of the question. My mind it truly weak. To weak and ran down. I was out in society so suicidal for so long with no help... To long until my mind was broke.
8. Suicidal. My suicidal stuff is black and white. Its very pathological. I want to lay down and die. Im always this way, Im not always in that part of the brain. if it gets triggered, I would kill myself in a heart beat. I could care less.. This is when I hit that 30% red lined area...
9. Paranoia will destroya...
10. Anger and negative attitude that comes out when my mind is tired and full of PTSD. I change. that is a problem. It appears to be split.. People don't understand the change, the withdrawal.
11. I shut down after a certain amount of time.. I retreat inside myself to a vast unmanageable level.
12. I have to withdraw with no productivity during the time of withdrawal. Sooner or later I get worse, I withdrawal, then after a certain amount of time I get better. At its worse, I would want to kill myself. A little better would be severe agoraphobia. The last big bout lasted 8 months. I could not touch anything in my apartment. Nothing. I could not clean anything . Nothing. dishes stacked for months and months. I could not clean anything. And I stayed home most of the time in my bed. Depression agoraphobia.

And much much more stuff...

Ive tried outside stuff. Working in Landscaping. IT was Ok for extra money at the time. I could only work for 4 hours at a time, and could not stand working with authority figures. Meaning the people I would work for to clean up their yards. It wasn't bad, I would start to break down after a certain amount of time. After a certain amount of time, not the hours, but the months, I began to pack-up. Meaning my personality began to pack-up.. I had to stop. I stopped.

My mind disappears on me.. It dislocates and leaves on its own.

what hits most about this blog. " Life is like a prison camp. When ever I try to live , its as if Im forced back into the prison camp and the nightmare starts all over again.
Work is a death camp of sadistic control...

The above statement is where the recovery work will continue. I will continue to investigate that death camp in my mind and begin to un-peace things and take a good look at them, one at a time. Theirs a lot of dissociative memories in all of this. One piece at a time.. Slowly.
Last edited by OMNICELL on Sat Dec 24, 2011 1:01 am, edited 3 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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