So; if Im in love with a women; I wont let her into my life.
If I love doing someone; I wont let it into my life.
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And their is the beginning of my next journey of my healing or psych work; so much pain and dissociation; I can hardly deal with it. And this doesn't include the natural fears of rejection or what if Im not good enough or she is way over my head in the ability to express herself and so fourth. Im not going after what I want... and Im blaming her; I dissociate And stopped cold in my tracks. Heres the deal; cant be done on my own all at once. I mean; Im hitting several hard areas.. Even talking to them; I run... run away with no hope of getting anywhere so why bother trying; This is after I know they love me and I know I have a relationship with them waiting for me; but I wont take the chance... Im to chicken to take the chance. I wont solve this here in this writing. Its way over my head and has to do with being in my childhood home; my memories; then being pulled from my home and thrown away and all the horror after that and watching or being forced to watch my home being disintegrated from the inside out by the psychopaths that planned it; I had no one and no one cared what happened to me; I was in the 5th grade and no protection nor any warning of what was happening; had no idea what was coming but they knew. And that is also part of it,... Im afraid I'm attracting women just like my mother of that time; 5th grade; and it scares me to death. But; I must remember; Ill need help to get through all of this,...
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So; Ill be talking to women about this and getting more outside help if I need to; but ill come up with an answer; feeling good about myself; looking good; cleaned up; outgoing. interesting; when I said; looking good; this scares me... being fully outgoing and present scares me; I see abusers and I see sexual abusers taking advantage of me; they are huge and I am small and they are like towering over me and I am small and dont want to be noticed; I want to run; but their is no lock on the door at night to keep them out.. And I dont want to go to sleep ever... And I wake up sometimes and they are hover over the bed next to me in the dark..... and I have no where to run or hide.... nothing and no way to protect myself.
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And I have only memories of my home that was silently and suddenly taken from me; no one said a word to me and no one cared if they ever saw me again; I meant nothing to everyone... It was as if I had never been nor eve been born.
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And so much more to write about. One main problem; my memories of who I am and the solemness to write is from the years in my childhood house; before I was thrown away; but its a 2 edged sward because my memories switch back and fourth from before and after and in the city at the coast where bad things happened and I had nowhere to go or live; nothing... I was not wanted their either... flunking out of school; and the girl up the street did not want me ever again; I meant nothing to her and I was closed out of her life and she could careless and non of this made any sense to me... my mind is full of cracked places.... and experiences... And nothing solid to land on. I have God. And this might be a kind of break through right now writing about this; giving me clarity of who I am and that I can take myself with me and not care what others think of me. in fact its a real opening right now; My acceptance and how I feel about things.
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After being at a meeting today; more growth... And; coming to the next level of conclusion about my condition.
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I am now at a point that I dont really need anyone to be in a relationship to help me express myself. I; directed by God; I slowly start out with general people; safe people; telling them how I feel about them and slowly with time, learn to move up the latter of those important to me; with the end goal; when I meet someone I really like and want to spend time with; a women of importance to me; I can express how I feel about her; thus moving the relationship forward and thats where the work is. The work is; learning how to express my feelings to others starting at a beginning ground upward....
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This meaning; practicing telling people; the right people how I feel until I get used to it or good at it... solid; that is the next goal; dont know where or how it will start.