As I lay on my bed; and I look around my room; I realized; I am nothing... and thats how I really see myself; as nothing; nobody.
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I look around my room and I start to imagine women in it; and I start getting scared to death; livid. My God; I can ask them out; but I dont want them roaming around in my room and apartment because they will see that Ive been lying to them about everything; all hot air; made up so I could be somebody when Im nothing... Thats how it feels. To them roaming around in my apartment. I see it. To see them come through the front door and be in my apartment...
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To see them on my bed with me; not in my bed; I dont mean that; just on my bed laying with me and talking and then getting up and going to the front room as if they live their. I mean; nothing scares me more and makes me more angry and mad and livid because; my narrative of the victim wont work. Im not alone and Im in the present and things are working for me in the present.. And Im scared; Im scared because Im just a little boy inside and Im trying to run the world. So; I have to stop and allow God to help me but he never seemed to help me when I was younger; he didnt put me with the right people when I was younger and I dont know why! Why did he allow all of that to happen... Why didnt he bring different people to me... why! why didnt I deserve a good life; I mean; it was totally destroyed?
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Anyway; Women roaming around in my apartment; They will look at me and say; " This apartment is not big enough to call a bat cave or Gotham city penthouse; its far short of the expectations I had of who you claimed you were; I can see you have no bat cape; you have nothing because you are nothing; I can get better then this; why am I here@". Im scared that she can say she can get better then me and why is she even hanging around me! Nothing hurts more then this... its sad and breaks my heart.
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Im scared I wont ever be enough to women; to my mother; to my grandmother; to my friends mothers... They all hated me; looked at me was the worst human being who ever lived. But I wasn't; but the stunned experience of this; I was under 18 and at many times still a boy; it was 2 much... So; Im scared to let women into my life; but not really; I want them in my life; but to see them roam around in my apartment is to much; Ill have to change; Ill have no place to hide. Ill have no place to run. Ill be at ground level with women and life and the world; no more batman cave... no more Gotham city... no more bat cape; nothing; no more fantasies... Just me as I am half here half dissociative who cant be present; broken; and hardly able to stand up for myself or be in the outside world at all because I have so much PTSD and flashbacks confusing me... Its all to much on my Brain.
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I was talking to a women; I touched her and said; Ill call you; when I did this; I almost freaked out; the PTSD and dissociative disorder massively suddenly going of in full strength because I was breaking into reality from fantasy... unbelievable experience.
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So; showing my feelings to women is the key; I could not before; I could hit on them and call them and...... But no feelings; because I could not feel and talk; I could use my voice; I just couldn't; I was mentally ill from trauma; I just walked away. No talking; no emotions... So; no way to have any kind of relationships; impossible.
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So; From protected fantasy or visualization to reality; that is what Im asking for from the universe; and to be in a good positive direction that is safe that leads me to my emotional experiences with women; and ultimately to my wife....