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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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women and shame

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am

Ive been claimed to hate women; Ive heard it several times at different places in my life; it was never true. I loved women; in fact Im a sensitive decent person. I would never cheat on anyone for any reason; Im more of a nerd.
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I have shame concerning women; bad; bad enough I cant get near them. Sexual abuse; being thrown away; now experience with confidence around women; I dont have confidence around women; when I know someone and the ice breaks with them Im Ok. but that never happens. Im to shy for that.
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Ive not had good experience with women; I haven’t; the women were attractive but had bad attitudes and I could never get anywhere. Meaning, they’d put on a strange faky- kind of attitude suddenly. I just walked away; or they’d show up with their kids and the kitchen sink; I was like; bye-----
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Shame; it stops me from interacting with anyone; but it keeps me away from socializing with women. I dont know.
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The right women; maybe Im afraid of being with the wrong women. I dont know.
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IVe had women I can sleep with; I didnt do that either. the reason; I wanted someone before them; I wanted to break in with women first and get some experience; but it never happened socially for me. Im with out real experiences and no money. ITs to much for me I guess. I dont know; Ive been scared that the women is trying to get a kid; Im not into having that thrown down on me; not if I just want sex.
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Possibly; I dont have a style; I dont my self in this area of freedom and relationships. I guess I have to have the right type of person to start with; I dont know. Its sad to me; Ive been an extreme sensitive intelligent person; but when it comes to women; no interest by the kind of women I want. I dont know. Ive had plenty of middle class women like me; but; no thanks; they want to much; F them. No thanks. I dont know.
Shame; thats what keeps me from being a man around women; Im scared; Im like a little kid; Im scared of something; not being able to be enough I guess; Im gun shy.
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I think I need to be around the right people; the wrong ones dont work for me. When I was in 9th grade; I wanted to be popular; so I worked at it; but it didnt last; and half the people were worthless. I finally walked away from that fake seen and ended up completely alone.
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When Im myself; I would like to be around others like me; just those who want to be themselves.
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I would say something is wrong with me. I mean; Im dissociating around women because I dont have anything to feel good about myself I guess; t go near them; I dont have that confidence; Im an introvert.
It seems like Im to sensitive; I have AVPD; that doesn’t help; I dont have he confidence; I just dont. I dont follow through. Maybe Im thinking to much; my lack of superman ness certainly shows up around women.
Most women; I just wanna have sex; not talk; I mean; I like conversation; but not putting out all that work for a relationship with someone just because; I could see it for sex. but its 2 much work.
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I fantasize about women; and these women take interest in me; but I dont do anything; Im 2 shy and immature I guess; I guess I could just walk over and talk; tell them I want to hang with them; but Ive been chicken; so; hopefully Ill figure this out; Ive not done very well with women; not at all; to much shame. Lots of shame; I dont know.
I get close then chicken out; but its more then that; its AVPD.
The women weren’t worth it; I had to have the ability to walk over and talk to them and be interested and Im not. I dont interact very well at first; and many women dont care; they wont someone together up front now; never happen for me; never; I need my time; if they judge first; their out. and so fare they’ve all been out.
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I know one cure; the right girl. I kinda know the kind of women Im interested in; Library girl; physics, mathematics, astronomy, anthropology, Geology, classical music composition/ pianist/ psychology/Artist; that kind a thing. Asian girl/ someone I can look through telescopes with. introverts. Ive met women like this; the number 1 thing; is conversation; Ive had situations with women where we connected; and thats whats missing; and the connection is verbal. But not to many of them; I haven’t been around anyone; Ive been hiding in a room all my life. I dont know how to get out.
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As I get better; we will see; Im to shy and AVPD; thats the problem. The other problem is; as I free of dissociative disorder and my focus goes back onto things like classical music and art; and maybe come back to who I am; Ive never thought I was good enough to have something nice; like a nice looking girlfriend. Dont know; maybe Ive been brainwashed; Im afraid the problem was; I dont have a car; I dont have that kind of confidence; something like that; Im an introvert. I dont know.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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