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OMNICELL
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Women and relationships!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 22, 2018 3:42 pm

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Ive been told numerous times; I can have any women I want; and its true; I could have or would have or can! And I know it; and Ive been told by women that I know it!
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One aspect of my attraction by women is my mind; Im intelligent! Im physically OK; meaning, I usually pass the test to get their interests! So; I could have relationships; but I don't! and as I get better; Im ever describing whats wrong and what Im doing about it!
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So first; Ill bring up the idea that; Im like a lot of women; who when young; coming from abusive parents; want to break out of their family systems and escape! They get an idea; " ill hook up in another relationship or marriage that will get me out of this family system! And their it is; thats all Im attempting to do; or thats on my mind! I want relationships to get me out of the last relationship! Im trying to break away from old relationships into new ones! Im trying to break into new relationships anyway way I can; if a women looks at; winks at me; Im hers; Ill force God to make me fall in love with her; thus, Ive found my true love and I can settle in with her and grow in this new relationship that will take me out of the old ones with my mother and father; and their it is; my use for women! However, Im not entirely cold hearted; I actually want the right women for the right relationship; However, finding her has been the frustration; a huge frustration; its left me desperate for any women that looks in my direction! And its left me confused. In addition to this; I want to be taken care of and loved! So; lots of complexity involved! Today, I work with the universe to help me sort this stuff out; continually asking the universe to answer my questions of who or what Im suppose to be looking for in a relationship!
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One could ask the questions; what old relationship am I talking about that keeps stalking me! Well; its my mother and father; or the ghosts of my mother and father that still live inside me; and its the sexual abusers from the time period of 10 to 14 years old! In fact; at times they were sexually abusing or harassing me from a much younger age; about 5 year old! and suspect that they were abusing me much earlier then that! Im trying to break away from these people and this time period! Im breaking away by moving into new relationships; but I can find new relationships to break into! A gap resides between the broken severed child within me and the adult I need to be to have relationship! I feel like a 12 year old trying to date an adult when ever I see a women that is interested in me! Im getting better; Im starting to communicate to women where Im at; and thats a start that brings me into the present!
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The point; My interest in women is to find the right ones to fall in love with and move out of my parents basement into my new girlfriends basement; figuratively speaking; I dont live in my parents basement, nor do I want to move into my new girlfriends basement when I have one; its a good example tho; it brings out the specific feeling of my frustration of wanting to move forward through any direction possible to get away from the past!
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I getting stronger!

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What women do I want; this is a horrible nightmare! Ive asked God at times to make me fall in love with the girl in front of me; or the one of my present desire that I can have the life force to go after her for a relationship! Nothing is worse then wanting a relationship with someone for all the wrong reasons; or wanting a relationship; yet, I have no interest in the women I want a relationship with; I dont feel anything!
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I try to convince myself that I like someone; talk my self into it so I can date them!
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Im not sure who to date! I dont know! Im working with the universe on it; I dont always trust the universe or myself or my guidance system! I dont know!
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When younger; I got crippled by the psychopaths; crippled psychologically and emotionally; I got severed from the real world and dependent on them; they broke me and I became dependent on them! and now Im trying to get my self worth back and walk away from them permanently!
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I dont have a road map; Im winging it!
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Im trying to learn how to go to the next step; the next level! No one taught me out to do this! I have to learn how!
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Im trying to wake up from dissociative disorder!
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Where I meet women; unfortunately, Im meeting women in all the worst places! drug rehab places or places where women living in the shelters visit. Ive been around down and out people for a long long time! This is not a place I wanted to meet women; Im working with the universe to move me on to better fishing wholes! I have allot of work to do in this phase of my development!
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At least im talking about moving forward and have a plan and an independent attitude about it; thats a start of sanity! I can feel it!
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So; A gap resides between me and my past! Women cant help me with this; and thats frustrating! This is between me and the universe!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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