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OMNICELL
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Women and fear

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 14, 2021 12:37 am

Do you remember being in grade school latter years or junior high and not being enough; I was a nice kid in junior high; destroyed tho; through bulling... and loneliness and all other things. But I was never good enough and certainly not accepted by the important so-sh people... the popularets.... and normally I wouldn't want to be or cared. But later I did because I had nothing and no family..
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But I wasn't good enough to these people; but certainly I was good enough.
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Ive never wanted to be in a situation with women where I wasn't accepted because I hadn't had enough or wasn't good enough. But thats what its felt like all my life; So; I was never dumb enough to ever get involved with them. I never wanted to. The only women I wanted to attract I couldnt; those from a nice family experience. I did not come from one and did not trust them anymore; I did not think they would want me or could relate to me; that was destroyed.
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The psychopaths tried to destroy the niceness out of me at any turn. They tried to make me into a criminal and bad person every chance they could; they did succeed in destroyed me permanently. I was hardened; but never turned into criminal; I was destroyed and dangerous from being deranged but never turned me. I was angry enough like a criminal. But I never turned into one; but almost; Signs began to show up when in high school I was becoming completely anti social; dropping out of everything; stealing some things.. dropping away from traditional relationships... Drug overdoses... so it was happening to me.... And it almost happened; but it didnt. I held on with nothing left in me; I was completely deranged and gone and destroyed. But I some out in a dissociated state; completely dissociated from reality; I held on when I wasn't even in reality; I was already Alers; Parts. On/OFF; the solider personalty; carried me for a long time while I was dead; a long long long long long time....
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Here I am now; healing; getting another chance. At some point; Ill came back much like I was when I was 6 years old... Its slowly happening; The difference being? Im not sure this time their will be a difference; I wont have the same best friend or the bike riding to his Grandfathers house and the fishing or the class room in first grade or my house or neighborhood; But wait? Maybe. When I get me back; I get back all those experiences along with it; and I can feel them and remember them and its not my past thats gone; Its my living past that I can re experience; its part of me again; its not lost; its part of me; its me... Ive not lost anything; but Im not anywhere near that; Sexual abuse blocks anything like that. PTSD is blocking all that. im not their yet; but that is the goal; and its slowly happening; I mean its creeping in.
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Who am I; what was I dont back then I should be doing now... and I think some of that is happening now. Im back on the right track kind of; just barely but yes; its showing up.. My lane is showing up. Do I need anyone from the past; No! No? Well? No? But; something still needs to come from the past; Im not sure what it is... its being blocked; a father a mother a house; dont know. An experience; Not sure yet.
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A best friend; Hell no! Not like the last time; that was all fake and I was being used; no thanks. Wont be making that mistake again.
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Im working with God. Im not their yet; But Im getting their; Im starting rot participate in my life again; so; we will see...
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So; Im missing something and im not talking about it. Im not healed up yet; thats the problem. And Im still trying to hide it; Ill get their... not their yet. still a victim...
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Women; Well; As I become more social and developed I lll meet new women and people and Ill meet a nice women....
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Im still scared of not being enough; but not really because im heading down the right direction... I can feel it; as I deal with those things the destroyed my identity and worth when young; the more I face them and work with God the more I get back inline on the right track and that is happening...
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Im interested to see what Ill be doing; who am I. I was really conservative when young and planned to have allot of education; much like a professor... same kind of thing or scientist... physicist studying outer space... that kind of stability... Its not to late because; if I admit it; I never got started in it; I was side tracked back in first grade..
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In first grade I met new people and friends and started hanging out at their house and never become who I was suppose to become... My only job was to hide and get away from where I was living... In fact; I would go home only to watch TV... I did a little home work.. hung out in the backyard or in my room or down stairs in the basement playing my music records and playing drums... or Day dreaming about the future. Or I was at my best friends house...
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In reality; I had no best friend. and next time I would never go down that side of the street ever again with those monsters on it; THE RICH. Nothing wrong with money; but to have that kind of snobbish sociopathic pathological attitude that one is better then others; its unbelievable. horrible monsters is what they are.

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Im starting to realize I wanted to experience everything when young; all good things; I couldnt wait; but I was robbed on my young life and destroyed. All I could do was defend and hide; nothing else; a complete waist... But I made it through; but not really; I was destroyed. but here I am now.
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I get to do it again; its already showing up; But I have no idea when I will arrive completely. Even that sounds wrong and arrogant... Does not sound right...
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I have good hope of what is happening now; I have the same dreams I had when young; the same feeling; but I dont have to live in the same house; and I dont have to have their money and I dont have to have the same fake friends up the street action out a false narrative on me to take advantage of me. I can feel this way and be here now and that is whats happening; What do I need; I need to get rid of more PTSD; Thats what I need; so its not blocking my original feelings and memories... Its happening...
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And when Im back I can then move forward in my day to day decisions and directions... Something like that.
Im remembering my childhood on a day to day basis; Im feeling it at the child level and if im their... And Im in charge of what I will do next... Im in charge of my own feelings.. not someone else; thats whats coming back; my feel independence and silence; living my own life with no one else involved.
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As for women; A gap resides between where Im at and where women are at... I dont know if I will ever get their. Ive never been their yet...
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I stay with God for protection... As for women; its been one giant failure so I stay away from them; I always have; Ive never considered them safe ever... Ive taken forth in their direction a few times; got near them; only to have my arms bit off. And pulled back as fast as possible and got out of their; went back to God and stayed with God where it is safe... I stay with God and who ever is suppose to be around me will do so while Im in the quite safe serene realm with God... They must come to me at this point; but they have to cross through Gods gates and thus rules will be put down upon them from Gods Kingdom. No one has ever shown up while I was with God in GOds safe realm; No one.... all is silence... and quiet...
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What I lost as a child; my hope and dreams and future; It will return to me. Its already happening; what I didnt know would return was that other part of life; the part one dreams of; that part that makes life worth living; the fun or love of life; it is that and those experiences one gets that is inline with it; that is whats returning...
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Ive done the work... and Im slowly appearing again... the real me.. ive already appeared.. Its as If Im here but not at the same address.. Im on a different street; but it s me; and Im back kind of; half way; half of me is wanting so badly to come back but the other part is PTSD gnashing of teeth and walking death. But not the core area. The core area is beat up from the street up; but (pause); is back. part of my core is present and has hope; its breathing again and living again. Its silent; its deep within my soul but its emerging... Its part PTSD. so; its not all here but part of it is; and thats whats important; the 8 year old in me; is swimming again... The core in me sees the child in me; it is the Childs core. And the core is alive and breathing again; aware of the fear of what put him to sleep; he is living again; been out and about doing things outside of the inner self... So; he is starting to live again slowly... And thus; does not believe he has to go home to my original home. He remembers and he remembers whats important about it and all the experiences surrounding it; but he also remembers what happened and who else was living their and what happened to me.
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So; now; its possible for me to re learn how to live my life again but this time without the monsters at the same time. But not yet; Im not their yet... Im still in the dream form but Im awake... the core of me is awake..... awake in the here and now and doing things again; living... Im living right now..
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Im not their yet; first thing I have to do is continue with the visualization of my first love until I conquer that and I am successful; meaning; that turns into a successful relationship...
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As of note;
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So; this women has been trying to get me to play a song for her; She walked up again today; I told her NO! Thats her gig; not mine; I to want to play songs; but I have dysfunctions and I have to deal with my own dysfunctions first. So; the answer is no!~. I went to a group of guys talking... this women was with them... I told her; She believed in her song; go tell the world.. and let the people of the world help her. And then she said she just wanted hope. Im like; NO B_tch! You just want someone else to do the work. " HOmmie does his own work".... These people out here; they think their entitled to everything; if I dont want something bad enough to fight for it. Ill never go after it.,.. Im learning that right now.
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Music; Ive got a problem with music; how I feel about performing it; What does is it; what kind of gift am I giving; what does it feel like to receive it... I have to see it as a gift; something extra positive upon the world. I dont; I dont feel anything; thats what I have to work with... changing my attitude about music... I have no idea how this is going to happen; but ill start writing about it... about the positives of what Im giving to others; if I thought music was a cool thing to give to the audience; if I thought it really was worthwhile; If I could see that I would do that... I have to see it and feel like I'm really giving the world something; a present by me being here and contributing art things to it; I dont; I dont feel anything; all I see is my mother pushing it back in my face that Im no good and she does not want the presents im giving her...
Of im going to make music; my attained of being attacted when young; It has to change from fear to loving making music and performing it for the people. Its a present to the people; How can I see it that way; Ill pray about it. if I had a good attitude; id do all kinds of stuff...

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.Im worried about having nothing when dealing with women in the outside world. So; Ill have to see that Im giving them a present by knowing me...
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I cant flip my attitude; its got to be done out of love. I look at my first love; I flipped my attitude with her; but she never did anything wrong; nothing... its simply that I flipped my attitude about everything on my own... thats what its about... it was on my own but Im blaming her. Its like wanting to be in a fist fight to beat up the other person when they did not do anything; its all inside me; they never did anything; I picked them then attacked them claiming inside myself that I didnt like them because of______________fill in the blank... So; I pick victems and bully them; thats what it is. Im bulling them... how do I stop doing this... and stop enjoying it... enjoying the sadist nature of hurting others..
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So; I have to learn how to get inline again; back inline... As for women; ask them out; like everyone else.. learn to feel valuable about myself first... like everyone else.
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I have a lot to learn; Ive not been able to respond to anyone. ive been completely closed off. Im now starting to open up to people around me; strangers; as I walk by them; Horribly hard coming from a background of dissociative disorder where Im completely closed off.
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Its interesting to open up to strangers and see the responses... Some are quite good... I mean; Im learning. This is about my mother the psychopath stripping me of my home and then I having no choice but to have to join her several times later and being thrown away at those places and destroyed; its just sickening for any decent human being to be exposed to; I had no idea when I was young; what I was dealing with; I didnt know I should be someone who is getting out of their and never going back; I didnt know.. Know now... but now is not to late.
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So; I have to relearn how to be open and friendly with people; it's possible with lots of practice; but the practices is in my head; in my imagination first.
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The whole point of all of this is a wife. And my social skills are slowly slowly slowly improving. The people around me in the recovery process have no idea; they dont know who I am nor care; some who have helped me want to see me as they think I am; and they are completely way off; they have no idea.
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I am getting the message tho. The message that my life is in my own hands; no one else and the work I put out will determine everything of where or how I move forward with what I want... I want something; I work for something. That is where this is headed.
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As for music; same thing; its about appreciation.
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As for women; only one thing counts right now; Getting that relationship with my past first love; getting it solid in my imagination; to the point that; if I was " Back then"'; And had a choice; I would feel freely and easily to call her and talk to her and then I would know to tell her how I feel right on the spot; no waiting; nothing. And I mean it.... I have to get so strong in my imagination with this subject that I am solid as a rock concerning that girl. that I could easily and with confidence go back up the hill to her house; knock on the door; look right at her; get on my knees and propose if I wanted to; tell her everything about how I feel. all of it. every detail. So; I have work; within my imagination; I have to work toward sitting down with her and talking to her until im so conferrable doing so I could talk to anyone.
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The point is; this is first priority and no other thoughts get in over this and nothing sways me; nothing; I keep at this until it is completed and I am back socially again. So; Ive got a long road ahead of me...here. no big bro; I can do this...
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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