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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
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Women and developmental problems and the answers

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 07, 2017 6:40 pm

Im willing to look for answers these days; Ive got problems with women; getting close to them! One of the problems is; Im not willing to get close to women that are like my mother or sociopaths or man haters; or women that look at men as inferior and try to use their body or looks to seduce a man into possibilities that will come of nothing!~
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I seem to be so obsessed with women that are not right for me and women that are missing from my life, I forget about the women that would work in my life; but I don't dare go after them; I might be put down and slapped and laughed at as not being in their league; So where does that leave me; in an interesting situation! I would be the emotional age of 6 years old; and this tells you what I think of most women; What type of women would want to harm the 6 year old in me; I certainly would not want to marry anyone like this or be a father to their children in a family setting!
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I have a problem; and Im starting to let go of the idea that my parents have to show up and fix this adolescence dysfunction; This DTD or CPTSD situation! once I know who to blame or not blame, I can get started; I get started when I no longer spend my time on who is to blame; instead, take responsibility and go look for a solution for myself!
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Im on a journey of how to start over, start from the beginning with women! I did OK in second grade; However, I still see my mothers face over everything; and that is a problem! This tells me the abuse an or neglect was in full swing when a young boy!
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What am I looking for; Im looking to take full responsibility and then asses what I need to do about this women situation: developmental problem situation.

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As I said or wrote above; the first question that appears in my mind; " who did this to me, where do I go for help"; the answer, I don't care anymore! This problem is inside of me, no one else; and I don't want to believe that I have to bring psychopaths from the past, back in to my life in order to help me with developmental dysfunction.
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The idea is to complete take responsibility for what is going on in my body, and " I" look for answers; not think or give a thought or value to anyone else directing this journey! This is my journey! Ill ask for when if I can when I can; its more about discovery! " What is causing my fear of being close to women".
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I can feel it; i feel like Im 7 or 6 year old! thats part of the problem; someone at this age is not interested in women; what am I interested in; possibly, the lack of development of these ages is causing problems with later ages; if Im not developed at 6, I cant move on to deal with what happened to me at age 9 or 10.
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Again, the freedom will be when I don't need or think I have to take this to any other person! I can go down my journey myself!
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I see my fathers face or my mothers face or my best friend at the time; I see their faces pop into my head as if they must be with me " here now" to fix any of this!
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I know Im not old enough; that is part of the problem when dealing with women; I feel a few years off; or to young; as if I never got to express myself at a younger age before I meet women. So, thats what it seems like; I feel like I have to learn how to have friends first. maybe not; might go faster!
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As Im writing, Im thinking of a young women who sits in one of my meetings. She's really good looking to me, and Im to scared to approach here; and I don't know if its OK to approach her; I know Im scared of her! Her looks intimidate me! being laughed at scares me! but what would happen if I asked her out! I mean, if I had more maturity I would! What kind of maturity is it to ask her out; its a kind of " man on his feet" majority! And non of this was developed; non of it!
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So, I have many years of non development and pain associated with those who were suppose to develop me! now, as I work with God to unfold pathways toward my goals; Im seeing that I don't need anyone from the past showing up to help me; I can help myself with this problem! The ability to " get over" the past and help myself; that is the number one goal!
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Sexual abuse also plays a role in it!
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Im seeing that women in my twelve step groups cant really help me! its to close and beyond them and they are just people in a 12 step group; they are trained professionals! This can be misleading; to blame women in general for not helping; men have a tendency to do this; call all women worthless because they will not show up and help me with my issues! However, Im starting to see things differently! its really not about " women"; its about my personal problems that I need to get in touch with and look for answers; or work with God source energy to unfold pathways to uncovering the mystery of why I cant get close to women; whats the dissociation!
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Finding the right women! one problem has been; I have to start out with the right type of women around me; I cant allow myself around general generic normal women; they are not the type to be brought into this sensitive situation; better that I find safe people first to deal with, or have God have them show up! and again, stop blaming women or others because I must or have to go through this journey; that is my biggest goal; to stop blaming people for this, and get on with the journey; focus on that!
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Because of the nature of these problems; women in general are overwhelming for me! I dont want them up in my face! its to much; I never wanted them near me in the first place, only the ones I would screen first as friends! but I dont know how to have friends; so, here is another problem!
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So, after writing I see another problem; I dont have any friendship development ability either; this got destroyed out of me or possibly never started! and this might be the bigger problem! In fact, I can feel it; it feels like the missing link; how to be friends, who to be friends with!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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