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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Women and control; I have to change

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 02, 2021 5:42 pm

Something is horribly wrong with my relationship with women. I think maybe its not about women; its about the wrong women and trying to bend them to my will and realizing they are the wrong women and if Im going to be with the right women; I have to clean up and not be so lazy.
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The last women that liked me and I thought about maybe allowing myself to like; she betrayed me completely; that did not surprise me. What surprised me was; why was this type of women the only one interested in me... I did like her. But she was way over the top of my head; she was not safe; ridiculous... could I be friends with her; why? What for? id have to be crazy. How did I know this about her; I knew it the minute I saw her and listened to her. I wanted to save her but I knew better. She would have been perfect if it wasn't for infidelity.
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She was no faithful to me... Her interests were more important then me... she was a kind of player hustler... sorta .........
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She never really did anything bad to me; I never asked her out. I hardly spoke to her but their was massive interest from her. Her heart and my heart blending as soulmates.
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I never asked her out; she kept trying to say hi to me. I saw how she pathologically would attract other men or give them attention; and act like nothing was wrong with it and then come back to me and say Hi. I was like; NO THANKS>.. Shes not coming near me!
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But I thought about it. I was horrified when she dated someone right in front of me... She had no remorse about it... didnt care how I felt about it; nothing.
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Heres the point; recently I was talking to God about it. And I began to ask myself a question; if she was to be with me; id have plenty of conditions and discussions with her about her behavior to get her inline or keep her inline... And then I thought about it. Why do I want to control her... Why>?
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Why didnt I let go from the beginning. Why did I latch on to this person and want to control them so they didnt get away.... That was the idea. and I did this within myself. I would never get near her...
But I thought; What am I really doing here; why am I hanging on to this person. I mean; why? Why am I not letting go from the beginning... Why am I hanging on. This person is no good for me and I know that. Thats not their fault; I mean. they cant change; they are a perfect stranger.
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Its like; I jumped in front of the person to play victim with them; they re a perfect stranger.
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They are not my type... they are the opposite. They are not safe... technically they did nothing wrong. But theirs more to this then technicality; They proved horrifyingly unsafe... I would never let my emotions around that person; id be ripped to pieces. I was ripped to pieces. Why then cant I let go. Im addicted to getting back at her because she represents my MOM.... in fact; I attracted my mother; and that is all that is going on here... But theirs much more;
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A whole world of attraction was going on between this women and I without any words... The question is; what was doing and why. if I was not going to ask her out; why did I continue with this... Why didnt I walk away immediately; and I realized this women didnt know this; I knew this; but she didnt know I wasn't going to ask her out... I did like her but why? what was my intention with her...
My intention with her was to wait for her to wake up and act normal so I could ask her out. I was waiting around to watch her behavior to make sure she was safe so I could go out with her... Well; that backfired because she was never safe in the first place. She did not have my values. Would she ever have them? should I care? or just leave. I mean; I feel like I was picking on a stranger... she never had a chance with me so I was I bothering with her; I wanted her to be in make believe with me and become my fairly princes... And it almost happened until that other guy showed up and brought everything back to ugly reality.
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Its not like the girl didnt give me months and months of chances but chances at what; at going out with the same old girl; no thanks. I wasn't interested but I seemed to be glued to her in a trauma bond of some kind. Now; Im like; poor girl; why did I lead her on... Why did I lead her on; to get back at my mom.
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Whats interesting about this; Im the one leading her on; not the other way around. In fact; this women came on to me from the start; and that startled me; not the first time this has happened; its soulmates appearing.
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Why was I chasing a women like this.. for what. desperation; She liked me and I thought that was as good as I could get; God sent her so I should follow through.
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Did God send her? And the questions continue to roll.
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One question would be; why dont I face it; Shes not good enough for me... And when she went out with that other guy; that was so gruesomely done in front of me; Ill never get near her ever again; so why go through any of this in the first place. well; I thought I had a chances with her. But I guess not... I was proved wrong. So I just walked away...
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She wasn't good enough for me but I wasn't her type ether. I mean; that did not stop her that I thought she wasn't good enough for me. She just kept right on going; I thought or wanted her to stop and become what I wanted her to become. If she would do that. Get inline with me then everything would be fine.
But would I really like someone; if I made them get inline with me; that does not sound like Im anything but a narcissist. I mean; that sounds like sadistic control. Thats not me! So; maybe Im responding to the people and time period of those who sexually abused me... Im responding to anyone that tries to sexually have any interest in me; Im responding as if Im about to be raped or controlled... out of fear and panic... Thats how I saw this person; as one of them; a psychopath not safe... but she liked me and I dont know why? Why am I attracting people like this; well; look where I was at... the kinds of people that go to those meetings; are sociopaths and psychopaths... But Im so lazy; I didnt care that it even mattered; well; it matters.
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My whole life has been about responding to people and places and things from a point of being triggered from my past places and lives.
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I thought maybe she might be different; but I was wrong; I was correct in my first assumption of her; she was a Wh_re and nothing more... Just like the rest of the people in those groups; Meaning; pure evil; basically...
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Im the one looking for a home and not finding it in those places. I have to keep trusting God... Im getting better; but I have to get stronger. Ill get their; I just have to keep working with God.
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As for the women their; ridiculous group of women for me to hit on. Id have to go somewhere else for God to bring me women; meet nicer women at nicer places...
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I have no idea. I havent seen that specific women in months n months; never really talked to her in the 15 months ive known of her... I dont know. I keep women at a dream level and not a real level; I dont really let any of them get close to me; I dont trust any one in reality.
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I dream about what I wish women would be; but are not. And I just keep it that way. I stay in my dream world and dont interact with anyone real... And for good reason; just as this women who liked me; she finally changed her mind and liked someone else in front of me and that is why I dont like these people. But did I not do the same to her in a way. Was I not using her and leading her on; And thats whats got me wound up right now.
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So; I was leading her on and using her and I have to look at this; playing with her like playing with a piece of yarn. Did I like her and want to date her? and dont want to admit it; did I think she was going to be easy; and easy in; and suddenly shes with another guy and the whole dream is thrown out. Did she do this on purpose; yes! She knew what she was doing. Because of this Ill never go near her again; my nervous system want ever trust her to come near me ever again.
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Ive never felt good enough to be around normal people; id be afraid Id be laughed at and picked over; or looked over; no one would see any value in me and thats whats happened generally; all my life; no one has ever seen me; or cared who I was; nothing; no value to anyone; nothing; like I was hidden.

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Im not sure where I would go; I have no idea; Im working with God. Most of the women that have liked me are in the meetings; no thanks; pure evil. But ive never done anything about it; going to other places to meet the right people; Ive not known who they might be; I didnt want to get laughed at by more arrogant spoiled entitled people... I just didnt. I just dont know who is safe and faithful; I have no idea; I really dont. Now; Im just getting old...
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Im not ready to look at the horror realities of my childhood. What happened. The way I was abandon suggests no one was safe I as associating with. The friends down the street where never my friends; I mean; nothing; zero; they were not my friends; all those years or moments spent with those people and I was being fooled the whole time; thats what really scares me and freaks me out; the whole time it was a complete lie; they had me at their house for other motives; to use me to help them baby sit their son. I was like a second class citizen. The only reason I was their was because I thought they were nice people and he was my friend; I was not their out of desperation for them; I didnt look up to them. I liked myself so I went looked for like minded people; but I had no idea I was being pulled in by bad people. I was so young; no way of ever knowing any of that... But it was all around me and I didnt know; no place or people were safe.. I didnt know... But its going to be hard. But I can do it; but its so heartbreaking had horrible; being used like that completely; pathologically.
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Im trying to work with God so I dont use people. I mentioned that girl who liked me. Did I use her. Yes; because I didnt respond to her. But she was not safe... She never proved herself safe. the one chance she had; instead; she went out with another guy right in front of me; she knew exactly what she was doing the whole time and could care less. The only reason she took any interest in me after that is because I did not place the victim and that surprised her... When they think they can get away with it they feel Ok with themselves; its when their dealing with someone that wont lay down and take it; thats when they notice; and in a sense I never responded to her like most men. I ignored her for ever.. that got her curious for a moment; but the moment left and she moved on... and I remained silent. Im still silent; havent seen her for 3 months; the last time I only glanced at her for a second accidentally. It will never happen.
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I only want to be around safe people; no one else. I cant make people become safe around me. I have to find other people or attract other people that are safe. And in this dat n age; I have no idea where or what that would be. I dont know. nor do I know where. Ill have to keep working with God on all of this stuff. Im a bit naive and I get taken advantage of and that kind of sucks; its heart breaking...
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So; as my feelings come back; I have to watch who I associate with more carefully.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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