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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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With Dissociative disorder..................

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 14, 2018 4:48 pm

Here is a good example of the beginnings of dissociative disorder; some aspect from a specific angle!
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When I was young; I played drums! I loved playing in bands!
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When I got older; I could not make it in the real world! I could not function! thats what I told myself! anyway; I was heartbroken from this life and could no longer function; I was thrown away and had no one; and no one cared about me!
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When I went to college; I tried to play in groups! Finally, You could see me doing air drumming in the windows! soon, that would fade! Finally I stopped listening to music!
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I wanted to play drums; all I could do was dream about playing drums! soon; that left! because I had no proper place to practice! I gave up completely! and finally, I forget that I ever played drums! and quietly went off the deep end up life!
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When it came to women; I could no longer tolerate women; dealing with them; to high a cost! I could not match up! I did not have anything they wanted; they wanted to much! The fact I was a decent nice person; did not seem to be enough for them! So; I stayed away; I wanted them; but could not function economically!
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I would test women; and I found I was correct! they simply dismissed me! Their was not one that I liked that didn't! Most of the ones I didn't like dismissed me as well! God never dismissed me!
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I was angry at God; why all of this pain! Where is my wife! bring her to me! Find her and bring her here!
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The same problem happened in art! Could no longer get involved in it!
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I could no longer get involved in anything! nothing seems decent or honest or with any integrity! So; I dropped off the end of the planet and never came back!
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I realize now; that If I want something; a women for example! I have to date real women! I have to go out and date people! I have to be part of something and then decide on something!
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So; Now; Im trying to get myself out there! its very hard! I have childhood shame and trauma and developmental trauma disorder causing some problems!
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I dissociate; this is a huge problem! it traps me in its jaws and keeps me an 8 year old!
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Brute force will get me out their again into the arms of women and back playing drums in a band!
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Its been a long long long time since Ive lived my life!
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I graduated from high school in 1981; all doomsday before and after for me! pain!
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I don't remember anything worth remembering until I got into mountain biking and recovery work! that started in 2000!
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So; The goal is the goal is the goal! meaning; when I get close to taking action; I see lots of PTSD in my face and it shuts me down; I dissociate from it! However, Im fighting right now to get present back; being present!
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When I tell myself " what do you want"; immediately, Im taken back to several different time periods and reliving those time periods when I should be out the door right now living this time period! Im completely dissociated and not here anymore and Im trying to do something about it! its got a lock jaw strangle hold on me and wont let me go!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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