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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (918)
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- June 2019
Lonely and still here
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 11:32 am
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
Visualizations
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm
Talents and development
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm
Money and women
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:19 pm
women and shame
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am
Music creating; blocked
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am
Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm
Things are changing
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am
Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am
Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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Why blogs are important

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jan 26, 2014 6:34 am

I have no place that I feel safe. When I wake up from sleep! the first thing I see is the outside door past the living room. Open this door to the hallway of the apartment.. Its like living in a cardboard box.
When I slept! I felt better, I felt safe. When I awoke I felt safe for a small amount of time, then it started moving inward on me! I have no boundaries from reality.. I am not in my own world. I am forced out into someone else's! The ability for the world to force me into a direction I choose not to be apart of is what kills me!
I would never had to worry about bullies if I was not forced to go to a school with bullies. I would not have to worry about bullies on the streets if I had not been forced to live on the same streets.. I had not choices..

As I wake up today, Im hoping I stop people pleasing. Im hoping the way I feel right now sticks. I hope I stay independent and serene; that I own and am conferrable in my own space. I think its possible.

Im shocked by the world and the way its treats people. I was thrown away long ago and forgotten as if I were never alive. Why? Im not sure. Im not an animal to be destroyed. Im a human being. However, Im being judged to death! that is all I get from the public. Im only interested in people when I have something they want! Im either an object or Im nothing...

Im hoping to get to the point that I will walk away from people; people I have no interest in! It has to build up, then in disgust I walk away...

Ive been around the wrong people! but all of these people have helped to keep me alive! Now I want more independence.
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Im not interested in moving. Im interested learning to be free where Im at! to be myself with independence; not caring what others think in this small town.

Ive been ridiculed and harassed since Ive been hear.

I do not want to share my space with anyone! I want to be myself and make my own decisions. I do not want to ruled by other people or controlled by them!

I need my independence! It will take more work. Im so alone its crazy. I do not understand it. Im unnoticed by everyone.... I have no worth to the world. Im not sure whats next.

I have to keep trusting God and not give up!
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When I was a child, I felt safe within the 4 walls of my home! and I was on my street! I had a friend and I want to school. I would like some of that back I think. Actually I feel like that was a part of heaven, and Im not sure that is going to come back on earth. Im not sure its important for this to come back on earth; Im not sure.

Im a private person who is not allowed to be private and I do not know what to do about it; I am overwhelmed.

Blogging is one place of freedom! At least its silent when going in! Words are expressed with anonymity.

I need the ability to walk away and never return. That is what death was for me in the past. Im not so sure I need that kind of escape rout these days. I think it can be handled in different ways. Im not sure. I know others need to leave me alone. I need my own independence! Im not their yet. Im getting closer.

Im not sure what the answers are! I have to keep working on stuff! keep going until I get better, or come back to my right mind.

Mind is very sensitive and very weak to trauma. It takes very little to break me! I can't control it! my mind goes out very early! I become sick; mentally!

I would not last in war. My mind would go out 10 feet of the battle lines. I have a good heart, I would try as hard as I could; it would make no difference. My mind would go away and I would become insane. It does not take my pressure to make me insane.
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There is a strange effect I have witnessed in the 2o-21 century! Its a crime of sorts, or a despicable wrong way to treat others; its evil. Its an effect used against others to control them. And it is a common condition against others; it is evil winning again good!

I watched a video once of an old karate master challenge anyone to fight him. He claimed his style could win against others. So a match was created to prove his skills.

A match was created and a challenger was given reign to fight and show his wares against the old master.

I thought they would pair off one on one; both to ready themselves for their match; Not so!


Evil;

The master assumed things would be done in a decent appropriate respectable manner! He assumed all parties wanted a fair fight. However, that is not what happened. The master was in for a new twist he was not prepared for; politics...

The challenger cheated in a way! used the old masters good character and nature against him and won the fight. the old master would have never opened this fight up or depended on this good nature if he thought it was used against him ( the deception; the master was vulnerable because of his goodness. His goodness blinded him. He thought it would be a fair fight). The old master thought he was on safe ground of appropriateness.. He was mistaken. No one this day would fight by the rules.

The fight was not won through skill but through political deception. The challenger surprised or fooled the old master. The master was not prepared to be treated like a fool, he assumed everything would be fair. And this is why the master lost the fight. And this is not an appropriate way to win a fight in a ring.

The challenger did not face of with the master. As soon as the bell rang for the beginning of the fight! the challenger was already running at the master from the side and caught him unprepared.

The Master was unprepared because he did not expect street fighting ethics in the ring; to be ran at! Before the master had a chance to prepare himself the fight was over. The master had been rendererd off balance and could never regain himself. He was chased around the ring until the bell rang for the end of the round. The master never showed his skill! He never got started. The challenger one the match, but showed no skill in fighting.

The challenger used technical words of arrangement to win the fight, much like words used against someone in a courtroom. The challenger felt that cheating was legal and no rules of word could challenge him.

If the master had known he was fighting an unethical man, things would have been different and the master would have fought on different grounds with different rules and possibly won the fight with skill.

Unfortunately this proved to the world that the masters style of fighting could not work in a real fight; that is how it appeared. And possibly this was a lessen to the master when living in the real world.

The world has its rules and part of those rules are dealing with cheats. If in the real world you do not take in account the lyres and murderers and cheats and their thinking style, you will loose the fight. ITs demoralizing and disrespectful yet it is real in the real world. It is the down and dirty part of lower looserville; its all apart of life. Cheaters cheat and want rewards for such things from a cheating world.

ITs better for a master to go underground and never appear again, as the world did not want a decent master! they wanted a drunken one. The master assumed he was wanted! He was not! Better to have kept his fighting to himself.

The world can be a rotten horrible place with victims dying to others can live as they wish; this is no place for masters to prove themselves. This is a place of survival...

Im not sure why I just wrote this!
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A women came to my door from downstairs; she claimed she heard water coming through the ceiling.
I was dumb enough to let her into my apartment.. Mental people do not live like others. Im slowly learning to adjust and try not to rebel against all that is asked of me!

She claimed water was coming down from the kitchen floor. the floor was wet. So what! it had a bit of water on the bathroom floor.. I did not have a light for the bathroom and no shower curtain! and no floor pad to put my feet on. It was embarrassing.. next time I won't let someone like this In my apartment. She was a bitch...

She told me " no water on your floor" from now on; She said she could not afford it leaking through her ceiling...

I usually don't take orders from tenets. I have to watch how I allow others to manipulate me through intimidation and fear!

I will get a shower curtain, and floor mat and a little pool under the area I hang my clothing... I need to do this anyway. Her advice was good! no water on floor! its good regardless, it brings me back to reality. However, I feel like Im on pins n needles now if I take a shower! I suppose I have to learn; other people are under me in another apartment! Is that my responsibility. I don't think so!
I should have never let her into my apartment. Im not awake enough to keep her out! Im mad that I got bossed around.

one one area, this is good. On the other I feel like Im being frightened into submission by another tenant...

I suppose you can't have water on your floor if you have tenants down below! Live n learn...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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