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Where is home; trusting God

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:49 pm

Every time I try to get comfortable! someone destroys it by taking over; bulling! However, I was trying to be comfortable without muscle! meaning, Im going to a meeting; an open meeting somewhere with drug addicts! Maybe it was the 7th grade with worthless teachers and bullies! or the 6th grade with worthless teachers and a worthless school system! Maybe it was a horrible job situation! the 99th horrible waist of my time at a useless stupid job of no value!

Or, I was in another useless waisted town; I knew no one! did not have any direction!

or a waisted experience with false relatives who abused me or used me or and then throw me away!

or worthless useless parents that did the same! or false friends pretending to be real!

useless 2 faced women; over n over n over! so worthless are they; I wont get within 100 feet of them!

So; where do I go!

Where do I call home!

Ive dealt with the dead! and I know many intelligent good people; sophisticated people; they are dead now!
A useless judicial system! A useless police department!

Where is home!

Where can I go that is safe!

Why cant I find a home; a place!

Ive know many people that have killed themselves because everything and everyone is corrupt! and they had no money or direction because they live in a time of sadness; meaning their country is worthless and its people the same! Not really the peoples fault; they are reacting as well!

The point; Im not going to drug myself over it or kill myself over it! Ive dealt with the dead! they have assured me! Im not one of them! that is not my answer! but what is!

I have God; I have to work harder at attracting success! What does it mean! where is a safe place!

Even in the public parks; I could not be myself! the cops were called! I was hanging out at different times of the day and at night before the park closed! I understand! but I was doing nothing wrong! I live here! its my country! but after the cops game; it was never the same! I never wanted to go back! to much authority!

Everywhere I go its authority!

Im not sure whats left!

I know this! Im spinning my wheels, over n over n over and Im just being taken advantage of in every direction! that is all that is happening!

Ive known intelligent people who have killed themselves! no one cared! no one even mentions it! I care! I miss them! God knows this! no one on earth cares! The bad are running everything! the good have to kill themselves! Im not going to! so now what! where do I go!

Where do I go! where do I go! where is my freedom!

I have to work with God to understand what Im doing on this planet! what is the point! where is my freedom!

I am a victim in all of this!

I thought I would have a father that would help me and protect me when young! I was wrong; he was lying! he was no father, he was a treacherous betrayer and nothing more! a predator!

I go to allot of 12 step meetings with drug addicts! Why do I find it strange when a number of the criminal based drug addicts attempt to take over the meetings! These are addicts not using drugs anymore; not in prisons anymore! why do I try to get used to a place that is unsafe! and its proven unsafe! and yet, I will allow myself to get used to it believing its safe; then get smashed by a violation of someone taking away my rights! or trying to inderectly intimidate me! I saw to myself that this is wrong! I wont stand for this! Then why am I their! is this not their meeting! Im their because I used drugs at one time and Im looking for recovery! but why do I think its safe! I just need it to be safe! did I not do this same behavior when young with everything and everyone around me! I trying to make bad people into good people when they were bad! did I not attempt to make unsafe places into good places when they were unsafe! nothing changed in them! why am I making them out to be safe!

I have this idea that God has brought me to these safe places! thats how it feels! I get used to them; suddenly, someone has taken advantage of me! Why did I think they wouldn't! their doing the same thing to their own children!

ITs important for the reader to understand! I do not plan to kill myself because I feel completely trapped in every direction! this does not equal suicide! not anymore! Ive seen the living that are now dead! and the dead have talked to me! I am past them! theirs is not my direction! but now what!

Im asking God; seriously! what direction do I go! I want to hide some place and be free! I seem to have no such place! I must work with God! Im not getting it! where is home!

Where is home!

Where is home!

Ive been online at other places! places I write blogs like this! I got kicked off! Im sorry my blogs did not fit! but I had to write them the way they are so I could get better; but it was not a place for people to get better; it was just a place for people to look good and complain! I actually was getting better from writing! and they kicked me off! and I noticed; they kicked me off when I stared outgrowing the place! and this happens to me in every area of my life, over n over n over!

I have no town to go to! no home; no purpose anywhere! and Ive mentioned, many people like me have killed themselves because of it! Ive known a few! but its not me! not my time! not my way! not now! the dead of talked to me! they have told me; NO!; Its not my way! even tho the child in me feels a fronted at times! Im not sure of the answer of being violated! I have to keep talking to God and working on it!

Nothing sucks worse then being in a place or a town and you have no idea why! Im not in control of my own life or where I roam or why! not good!

I have to talk to God about all of this! God is suppose to create a safe place for me on earth!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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