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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Where am I at now

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 02, 2021 4:40 am

New entry; things are changing; They are becoming enriched; my original child self has or is integrating with the host me.. Its been happening; and Im getting enriched. The more I work on visualization work of past relationships; re imagining how I wanted them to end up; things continue to massively get better; the reason they are getting better; Im connecting with myself; but its in the image of the girl I loved when young; but writing bout it does not reveal it to me.
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Im getting back a specific part of the courting interactive process that got beheaded when young; That place of assertiveness and confidence.
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So; Im practicing reaching beyond where I went silent. Im literally reaching beyond trying new things in my imagination to reach out to this girl; over n over n over; hundreds over a thousand times... over n over n over until I am confident again dealing with her. When I first met her I was bold and confident; but after awhile I could go no further with her; this is because a part of me was cut off from myself; not developed; not ever developed; it was cut off when I was very young.. I could not develop it up at that girls house; it was much more serious dissociation; but I didnt know anything about the names for my mental situation.
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Later while with this girl; I had another encounter with the sociopaths. That totaled me in a way I cannot describe; I got much sicker from trauma; I could not function anymore and had to leave the area; has Ive mentioned in many blogs before.
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Now; things are different. Im getting stronger dealing with that re creation in my imagination.
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Ill just keep at it; its working to bring me back.
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You know; I was a decent middle class kid with a bight nice future; I was really social and sensitive; the kind of kid that would be a teacher when he grew up... That kind of thing... Im starting to become that person again; its showing up. my heart is showing up.
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Its a true miracle... but it aint their yet... but its centering in the middle of me.
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So; Im ending up Me again but really bullied version. So; my head coming upward and open again; standing on my own 2 feet again; I feel like my identity is of only one place; my childhood street and home and thats it; and that is magnificent. It means my original self is back and sees non of the horror the future will have brought. I mean; Im still dealing with it but Im coming back to being the original me; but Im beat up from the street up and its just starting. But Im feeling it and seeing it.
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Its as if Im back their again; when was a developing kid before the trauma... We will see where all of this goes...
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I wonder what I will be doing. I mean; in my life. my higher level sensitive functions are returning kind of. I guess Im feeling more safe or something like that.. maybe. more safe in who I really am; as if I was in my neighborhood again... thats how it feels. The universe is keeping me safe...
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Everyday I gain a little more.. We will see what happens...
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The visualization techniques are working. The problem is; Im so inundated with fear. Im starting to remember when I had use of my imagination when a small child. That was truly a magical time; but It can be again. The problem is; later; large overdoes amounts of brutal fear; like being in a war; over over over over over over; thousand upon thousands of days of this trunk together until I am no more. Im gone; Im blanked out from trauma; until Im erased.
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So; Im feeling the helplessness of fear and having my life pulled out from under me in every possible way by psychopaths...
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So; Im alive. fair enough;
Now the goal is to just continue using my imagination; just keep it up until I get used to using it again; I was fear out of it.. Simple concept; those who have to protect their bodies from outside attack learn they cannot focus on anything within them because their are no borders being protected on the outside...
 
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So; its a painful ordeal to remember and to start using my imagination again; it hurts; besides triggering of the past of the horror even as bad; triggering of the past of a life never fulfilled; but; Im now getting through it because Im not fooled anymore...
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Ill just keep this up; keep using my imagination... Im actually quit like to have my imagination back; to be able to use it again; I have allot of practice that must be conjured up...
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Im still not around safe people; Im around recovery people; many of them are evil. I mean; a large clic exists of a group of them; they are evil. Its horrible. Im around it only because I'm in the rooms with them; I hate it; I dont feel safe and more n more as I wake up I know why; Im starting to see it; pure evil. and Im not.
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Ill keep at this. Keep working with God; keep reading; Think and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. keep setting goals for myself.
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Im extremely lucky Im a goal setter; its part of what keeps me alive and interested in life; the study of the whole thing of interests and what makes me feel good and what I go toward and how to use my imagination and such; the laws of attraction.
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In my imagination Im seeing myself with other people.
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In my imagination Im practicing being up close with women; with enough time I should gain my confidence back with less fear; but I scream every time I touch someone in my imagination; its like being tortured every time. So; I have to work through this; all of it. work though it until I get better; until I can touch a women's entire body within my imagination without screaming from fear and triggering of the past; being all alone and no protection; meaning when very young. Something horrible happened to me from ages 0-3
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Anyway; Im on the right track.
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I have to keep working with the girl from the past within my mind. One of the horrible things and sad things and heartbreaking things; she is not being loved. I was sent to her to love her and I didnt... life turned into a giant serialization.
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The goal is to remember how things felt; the problem is; derealization; it was looking at her through at TV screen; as if I wasn't their and I could not feel anything anymore; I was distanced from reality.
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So; now that I know this; Im working in my imagination to get closer to her. and what Im finding is; she is not loved. And that means I want to feel what she is feeling; run over to her with immediacy; not shut down; I see shes in trouble and run to her right now. Grab her and love her and put my arms around her now.. that is what was taken from me. I got mad or angry or apprehensive. I made the mistake of sharing my stuff with a psychopath.
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I have to keep going until things clear.
One area thats happening for me as I use my imagination; Im seeing the ability to work with God and my imagination to run my life; no need for parents; this is extremely important; Im not their yet; not old enough internally yet; but Ill get their with Gods help and reality. Ill keep working at it.
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Im in the beginning stages of using my imagination again; At some point it will switch to attracting in the outside world and Ill connect. ive been to scared to connect to anything in the outside world.
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So; traumatic fear is a huge problem; the overdose of this is what caused the trauma levels to go over board.
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So; the goal is for the trauma levels to come back down and that will be possible; my memories of my childhood are coming back so Im not losing them; this is important for my stability. Im not in someone else's home; Im in my own little closed apartment but its mine and the portent building has locked access.
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So; im not in someone else's home that doesn't like me like before. That added massive more trauma.
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I have to keep telling the universe to keep me safe and keep me safe while I heal. This is important; the most important thing. Learn to stay put;
I will learn to attract what Im suppose to attract where Im at.
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Next day;
Slowly Im seeing it; The first step coming back to connection; ITs horribly overwhelming in life and in my mind; but Im getting it; its possible with new thoughts; the problem is; I dissociate to bad triggered thoughts; like a giant 365 degree movie with no way out. but ive been around for a while and trained my mind; and their is a way out; new thoughts in my imagination; my mind is filled with old thoughts and child thoughts; child like thoughts; Those thoughts have to change... and I have to grow; and working with the universe; this is possible.
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The number one issue is refacing and re narrativing of my first love; this holds many many keys to my everyday functioning; Im starting to realize; I might not get my first love back; but I will get the functioning me that disappeared and was erased; Im fighting to get him back; thats the part of self that interacts with the world... That part is starting to regenerate and why not take it as fare as possible.
I believe I can come back; Its hard work; its already happening.. Why not; I can see it already happening; I can be who I always wanted to be; I can see it; Im in the beginning phase of breaking through or breaking a relationship and re structuring it... being in control of it...
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Its about going deeper and connections with her from my past; thus connecting with myself... Loving her the way I as suppose to and not being stopped; she certainly never stopped me...
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I was ruptured; ive got a gap between where I want to be and the starting place in the present; Im slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly working my way with daily slow progress; but it seems to be solid; Everyday motivated to go into that imagination and recreate myself.
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What does this feel like; Its like; it doesn't really matter what I own or what ive got; I can go after who I want and have relationships and have confidence doing so; choosing my level of associates... Being able to get back to speed as a middle class level person; thats whats going on here and Im doing it without anyones help. Its really unbelievable but possible. Right now it has to do with connecting to that girl from my past through my imagination through visualization.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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