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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1021)
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- October 2019
Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Where am at right now.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

Im in a strange cross roads; but Im not in the middle anymore.
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In the 12 step meetings; Im starting to talk about what I want to do right now; who I want to be right now. What would make me happy right now.
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Im working with the universe; Ive found; as much as I don't like it; the fact that Im having to rebuild my life from the ground up with no ones help accept the universe; this is hard... I have to use my imagination with the universe help to see and create pathways to where I want to be. I have to discover them through work.
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I write allot of stories to rebuild my life and Im going to have to keep building more stories to rebuild my life. This is taking the place of the old life that was taken from me.
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I learned a lesson from some of my writings. I learned that when I was abandon; I no longer cared anymore about myself and who I associated with; and thats when I started having problems; the people I associated with could not love me correctly because they did not have the capacity to love anything or care.
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Ive learned that I must be discerning of who I associate with. And this has been a major problem of my life. The people I associate with don't specifically like me; they might be using me and don't want me around.
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I would rather be around thugs then be alone; However, I've changed my mind; I would rather be alone and work with the universe then be around thugs... And I have to learn this the hard way.
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I thought I could hang around anyone; it didn't work; I was not respected by everyone. and Ive found out the hard way; its a humiliating situation. I don't like myself because I was thrown away so anyone can come into my space; it doesn't matter. Well; this wont work.
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I have to pull back and only be around the people of high level and value I'm interested in. Also, I cant be around people because they will give me attention; thats not enough reason to let strangers into my life that have no value for me; and Ive felt the back lash of this as well. Im learning. I thought i could get something for free; but it did not happen. I wanted to see everyone at an intimate personal level because I wanted a family or needed a family so I wanted to make everyone my family; and it does not work that way. The alternative is what I have to learn; its hard but worth it. I cant sell my goods to everyone; only those with the proper credentials. Im learning its hard. its been easy to throw myself on people; but in the end it has been a hardening experience that has left me dry and broken. If I hold back and decide what I want; who do I want to associate with. who? and learn to wait for it; and work toward it with the universes help; do things in an enriched fashion; I might get somewhere; Im going to have to work for it; its not free; real people of real value are not free; and Im going to have to work for it; And this is going to take work and restraint. I know what Im worth but did not believe I had what it takes to be me again with its requirements. I felt the requirements were to high; I didnt have it in me. What I didnt realize; I didnt have a choice. I can be no less then who I am; I can be around everyone. I have to be around those I relate with.
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I got mad at the world and did not trust higher level people anymore; goal oriented white collar people with money or educations. So, I tried the people of the lower levels; and that didnt work either. So; Now Im understanding that I have to hold out for the right type of people to associate with. And I must be at places where these people gather.... And nothing less.
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Im not suggeting fake people that look the part are of interest. Im talking about real people.
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When I see a group of people and I want to bust into it and be part of; I must stop and realize; I cant just go bust into groups of any kind; I must ask; who or what are they. Whats my group... what am I looking for and what am I not looking for.
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Im lonely; and this has dictated who I Associate with; and a lack of money and a lack of a life. So; I would take anyone that came along; I didn't care.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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