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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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whats missing with music; live playing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm

Live playing was the original reason the Beatles played music and it was my original reason; to dazzle the audience. But at some point I got hurt and used my music as a way to get back at society by " not playing". By not playing in a band or creating music; I was not giving anything to a cruel world that cold destroy me or rape me or mangle my personality and body or scare me to the point of suicide through bulling.
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The bulling issue is a big one because; when I was neglected; immediately the bullies attack from every direction. if you have no family or anyone protecting you in the world; the bullies attack. And they keep up the attack.
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The amount of money I spend on a PA seems more important to me then performing; So; this tells me; Ive lost my ability to be free out in the public. I was despondent ad freakout in the real world; scared out of my life and controlled by bad people; I lost the ability to see anything else in my mind; I would rather die then be in the public or have anything to do with it.
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Dealing with bullies is a huge problem that has to be addressed; I go into flight or fight mode; war mode. And I go into stealth mode; the bullies are larger then life to me; I turn into a frightened 6 year old and Im scared and my nerves and the stress takes over.

Now; its changing; the point of music creation is expression in the public. playing live to people; having fun.
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Live playing is what I want; but I had no confidence; I was to scared of the bullies. scared of being held back like when young; I could not do that. I could not do anything; no one their to protect me and no life; nothing; all my dreams taken away in flash; all pulled out on me; and then I went into a dream world inside my mind and never came outside ever again.
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I never belongs to anything or anyone after I was thrown away when young. I belonged to no one and no place. Nothing.
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I survived in the past by being other personalities; mainly victim personalities; but after having several other personalities ruptured; A soldier personality was developed and from their a psychopath survivor personality; and this was a mixture of the worrier the fighter and the ruptured damaged people within me. The psychopath within me feels nothing; on off switch predator; exactly like an alligator. This personality is about the " strike"; to strike the enemy; to take out its neck; like a wolf. It serves no purpose accept war. Death to its enemies and anything around it; all things in the killing zone; everything dies; like a steal lever; push it; and it responze-; mindless in a sense; a machine like an alligator is a machine or a battle ship is a machine; brilliant to its task but a machine with tremendous focus and force; the keeper of my system runs it; this solider personality; At most cases; I must hide it all the time and act meek; the problem is; when Im acting meek; those fools in the world who see this think Im weak and think it might be a good idea to hit on me and see what happens; when then happens; I have to continue to play the meek role or run away; I cannot let out my feelings; or that dark energy; for the psychopath in me will kill and will sacrifice his life on the spot to be killed; no questions... all action; all now action. And it will be over for me; Ill die in battle or in prison. I don't want that. thus; the personalities in me are my real enemies for they don't fit into the world or civilized society. And now my more tame and intelligence; cool confident intelligent personalities are taking over the system and the fighter or warrior is disappearing; it just turned into zeros and ones information of white noise; and like a ghost; it breaks up; like light energy breaking up and disappears; it goes back down my throat into my system and is no more; its not present anymore; and that is whats happening; Im becoming a set of civilized personalities for they are taking over the system. And they are covert and stealth and cunning; Im using the same brain machine as the psychopath but this set of personalities is smoothed out; softer, more cunning; like a black stealth submarine under the sea. Its purpose is gold; not death. The purpose of life has changed; for their is a time for war and a time to die and a time to live and a time for achievement and a time for love and a time for adventure; and a time to solve problems with stealth and intelligence and not death; for that time has passed. Dam becoming someone new in a new world. And in this new vision; Im 8 years old and Im superman and I can be what ever I want to be; and if I want to be me; I get to be me with all its normal life middle class things that little kids love about life. And I get to be a little kid again; and Im now learning how to live that way; to appreciate everything around me as I did when I was a kid. I get my life back. However, to get my life back; my ego must go and nothing is so scary to me then letting go of the persona of working at something to get a pat on the back by the gang; being a follower but getting rewarded for it. the only thing Im following is myself these days; my own feelings, my own world as I see it and my dreams and my own destiny; and its been a long while since this child personality from 1966 to 1973 as been around; It does feel good. .
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Am I back; no not yet; my memories are not mine; my thoughts are still thinking me instead of me thinking them.
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Im getting stronger; the core of who I really am; this little kid is taking over and starting to drive the boat.. He's becoming the commander of the system the way is should be. it means my ego and the soldier in me is being laid waist on the side of the road; no more need for it. it must go; but its part of me; so its scooped up and stored back into the reassess of my mind for another time if their is ever a war; a war within me or one outside of me.
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It is not a time of war anymore but of peace.....
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This kind of change Im looking for is change; the kind of change Im looking for is the true chance taking that takes place in my mind first.
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The bullies Im facing are in my head; for I am losing in my head first because I wont defend myself in my head; and what I think will show itself in the real world. I am defeated first in my head. so thats where the fight is and it hurts so much to confront it and face it in my mind or I am facing hatred of self and self loathing from a time I had to hate myself because these in charge hated me and I would not be accepted unless I hated myself; if I hated myself I would thus be in unison with those in charge of me and I would get along with them; maybe they would love me; maybe; just a little scrap; anything.
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Im surrounded by other peoples limited beliefs shoved in my face. And of course I don't like it or allow it.
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More bullies; they seem to be showing up all over the place. Im trying to get away from them; working with the universe to find people I can trust? and where might they be? And working with the universe on a wife? Seriously; might where she be? I dont even feel anything! Nothing for anyone in the future; she seems on present but in my fantasies but not in realities; Im trying to understand what the ###$ the universe is doing here. Im trying everything I know how to do.... Ive been at it for a long long time; I dont get it. Im sick of this.
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I want the universe to bring her to me or the world open up that I find myself in places where I meet her; I dont get any of this. Im not seeing any direction; Im not seeing any pathways. It seems like pathways lead to dead ends.
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When traveling; I dont know where I would travel to in order to meet her. I dont know; I dont understand. Ill keep at it.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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