Ive been certifiably crazy. What does this mean. I means; someone else abused me so I shut down and I blamed it on the closed people next to me; but it was all over load; meaning; I was legally insane from overload... I was not present anymore. And I walked out on or blamed others. I was nuts... And their was no way to tell them; I just walked away from them; who knows what they thought. No one ever really tried to get back in touch with me; they just wrote me off as a fool.
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I had one women actually almost jump me. but I didnt know I wasn't ready for her. Im still not but gaining ground now. Slowly the gap is closing a bit.. slowly.... It's just starting.
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My ability to be present or hold relationships has been impossible. Im now attempting to get over or work through the dissociation areas; some are very very bad and close me off permanently. This has made it impossible for relationships... Im to mentally violent... so defensive and damaged.
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So; Im getting better; I have to trust God.... I have to give them a break. I mean. Ive been nuts; I just walk away instead of having a relationship; I'll have to keep praying about it and working on it until I can become present again and actually live my own life. Im slowly over coming things slowly.
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Im slowly over coming childhood. Im at this point; Im 10 years old and the house I live in and family; They will not be their anymore... Im kind of or am on my own and I feel the stress and fear and terror of this and I have no way out or don't know what to do. its a form of torture to do this to children; and that is what was intended for. It was intended to torture and destroy me.
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I spend allot of time on the past; the child within me; with the goal of getting him on his feet and slowly working through development getting him back up to speed or up to the present; cant do that yet; I've still got CPTSD damage; dissociative damage. So; Ill take this very slowly and carefully... Im still way damaged. I have to keep working on all this stuff.
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The child in me; has a big big hurtle to deal with; Im 10 inside but Ok. but the child in me; he will have to grow new because the old me was put through horror; and that will be bi passed and that is scary and exhilarating at the same time...
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So; Im in the middle of working on all this stuff. Im before any changes to the 10 year old. Im walking along down C street. Im possibly with my best friend who turns out not to be my friend.
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So
Heres the deal; from the beginning; I have to change right now; How I feel about myself right now; as Im walking down C street at 10 years old; I can feel the anxiety; I've been thrown away; I've got no-one to turn to; nothing. I don't know what Im going to do. So; instead of being angry like I feel inside; Now; the adult me and God will come up with some answers.
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The first answer is to tell someone; tell anyone that matters; So I'll be looking with Gods help to tell people at that time period what to do. The first name that comes up;. *mod edit* the Minister of the Episcopal church. And I will pray first to God for the next move forward; the horror is; I cant go back home; no home anymore. Nothing. Gone. And I cant grieve it or do anything about it; my whole life ruined and gone. So; now what do I do. I mean; this is to much for a 9-10 year old to deal with; I mean seriously... everything ruined... Im just thrown away. So; I start by changing my feelings and bringing them back to a normalized confidence happy possible state where everything is going to work out regardless and I feel great. Thats the work; to open things up and look at them to get back to feeling good about myself right from the start; This may take lots of work to work through all the layers of tragedy they slayed on me at that moment. But I will have to work through it because I don't want my self worth or identity to be change; The psychopaths are trying to turn me into a criminal. They are trying to destroy the human part of me; and ruin my life where I end up in the state penitentiary; That is their goal. And it is a sadistic and real goal of theirs and its upon me and its up to me at that moment to keep my cool and keep cool and be me...
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So; I will pray about it,.
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Ive already been conditioned since 4th grade on purpose; they have already stopped any help by the time Im in 4th grade; they don't care what happened to me; Im spending all my time at my best friends house; But I'm just hanging out. I remember; Im not doing anything but hanging out as a latchkey kid.
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So; I'll have to go back to 3rd or 4th grade and start from there. Or even first grade and start from their; inputting new support structures in my new revised version of my life. The goal is to get me growing and developing and feeling good about myself working up to 10 years old; so when the calamity strikes; Ill be prepared. and prepared to move on.
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In my new revised childhood; at 10 years old; Ill be staying on C street; Im not going anywhere and Ill create all new things for that 10 year old to do to grow and develop; Ill work with God on it. And so; Im getting close to this; Im walking down the street as that 10 year old in my imagination; so im up to speed. Ill have to stop and start writing on this stuff in journals and then come back... later...
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New lessons...
Dont talk to the women in the meetings Im at; they are predatorial and not safe. meaning they set me up. just went through it; found myself at a friends car waiting for him to open it; went around to the back; just waited; another womens car was next to it.. She came to her car; suddenly said my name sternly like I was waiting their for her or something; like I was a stalker. Caught me off guard; I tried to ignore the person the whole time and get away from her within the meetings.. And look what happens; God is trying to show me something; they are not safe and Im still in a kind of child like dream world; Im like a little kid and they are all adults; but thats not how they see me. They are not nice people. And I forget this until I start dealing with them. But all n all things worked out... I got out of their. ... This women said something to me; I said hi and moved back over to my door next to the car I was getting into and got out of their.. Sickening; but its all a God thing. its about God... They those women are watching me. They are playing games with me; but thats the kind of people they are. Evil... Sometimes I forget where Im at... Ive got to become humble. And another women came up and said something to me; rude. cut down. And I walked away from her. And I realize; just what I'm dealing with.
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They are treating me like it was 6 years ago; but its not 6 years ago.. I did not want to interact with that one women outside by the car; not like that. I think God is teaching me that I dont want to interact with any of these women at all; God will bring me better women of quality then that. They dont have a high respect for men like me.
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Im a decent person; they are not. The last time I saw that person; she was yelling something at me from across a parking lot to indicate to stay away from her. she didnt use the words; it was more protection. And I do have negative feelings towards her because I was right in the first place; these people are monsters...
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I was thinking about the other women that liked me.. from last year; but I think God is teaching me; it will never happen with these people; never... Stop!