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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (919)
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- June 2019
Trying to write a blog; keeps getting knocked off
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:35 pm
Lonely and still here
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 11:32 am
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
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Visualizations
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Talents and development
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Money and women
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women and shame
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Music creating; blocked
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Im getting very close
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Its hard when you were never loved.
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Things are changing
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Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
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Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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What people think of me..!!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Dec 11, 2011 10:52 pm

Sometimes its better to get attention, even from abusive people then to be alone. Thats what Im working on looking at... It used to be that way years ago. Its better now. Im slowly learning to walk away.. And abuse can be subtle and very under the table quite.

Ive heard it said " what people think of me is none of my business". I would agree. However, they make it really hard to leave me be that I may not care about what they think of me. Or they would like me to notice if they are thinking about me,. Control by others is a fascinating thing. They will try anything to get noticed, noticed by my eyes, noticed by my hearing.. they will walk into my presence to get noticed. noticed for their pleasure,. not mine. This can be very hard on me when I all I am trying to do is get recovery. Im not in need to be noticed as much. Id rather be accepted and loved and have real people that I can feel safe around. I don't trust people with the characteristics that I just mentioned above. Yet, I seem to attract them. The zombies are everywhere and their not very smart. Yet, now that I think about it, Neither am I if Im allowing them into my personal space, My eye space and my head space.

So,

Im the victim that is allowing all of this.. Kinda, sorta, maybe,.,?

The problem is , I want to be loved and accepted and treated fairly. I want to be saved, tak'n care of. I want friends that I can trust and be safe around. I forget that although Im needy, theirs only a few out of the group that I may relate with me. Others are smiling and happy, this doesn't make them friend material for me. I may need to be around select people that I may feel safe.

I send out " Im a victim , please save me signals". This attracts every opportunist predator out of the group. They are looking to get theirs at my expense, then I turn around and blame them for being attracted to me. I was calling them over because of my body language and who knows what else.

Its hard. Hard to say no to people that want to give me attention. The child in me wants to go play with them.. The adult cant allow it. The adult realizes the people I want to play with are sick and they are not playing with me for honest reasons, deep down they are haters that want to get back at the world. Hurt people that are trying to get their pain justified. This is the last type of person I need in my life at the present. Im way to sensitive for that. I am stupid when it comes to people. I think we are all 12 years old, and we all want to go out and play marbles in the grass. Wrong. will I ever learn. Im learning. Learning to let go of the childhood fantasy bond. At least the part that is not working anymore.

The PTSD blinds me and keeps me from responding when I need to to keep these people away, and screen or filter the right people in. Its all hard work. ITs worth it. ITs all so confusing..
Last edited by OMNICELL on Mon Dec 12, 2011 3:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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