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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (950)
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- July 2019
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
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Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
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Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
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Dating and Art
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movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
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Being single
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Preview: PTSD; High School
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Fear
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Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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What makes me happy

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:00 pm

What makes me happy?
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Im at this place of asking the questions; what makes me happy!
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I feel like someone that is waking up from a surgery; Im in the OR room. I feel like the nurse is asking me; " you are waking up, do you have a ride home"! of course they would have arranged this first before the surgery.
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Im waking up from mental illness; and the success based teachings are asking what makes me happy. The idea is; If Im practicing what makes me happy now; my vibration level will be higher and Ill attract things at that vibration level.
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I ask the question; what makes me happy! In the past, anything that would knock me out of reality! addictions, so I could forget; or, death! Death was all I sought after; I thought of nothing else; most of my life, from later childhood and on; death; that is all I wanted; death, death, death!
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Now, I feel the pain, I mean, I feel it! I feel the desire to not know what I want because Im not sure how to live on planet earth; if i cant have my privacy or freedom; whats the point; if I cant express myself, then whats the point! if I cant be myself and speak out against what I believe in; whats the point! what is the point!
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Death was all I seek; it is not what I seek now; but Im in the same boat I used to be in; I have no other answers!
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If you asked me right now; " what makes you happy right now" " could you go do 10 things that make you happy today?" the answer is no! Why?; Im going to find out!
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In the past It could be that I had no free control over my own life, no money, no happiness, no future, did not see any future in my mind! Could not see how I could be or do anything in this environment! I felt stunned and traumatized and unable to function in this environment! I had no love, I was broken hearted and had nothing! I lost everything I loved! all human things! I had nothing! Death was all I sought!
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Today; Im not the victim! so, Im asking these questions as a beginning search! I know what I react to; but what makes me happy! what type of environments do I need to be in to be happy! Im not sure! I used to give up and would not ever get close to questions I had no ability to actually create! I was 100 million miles away from ever being happy or believing I could be happy in this country or environment! I just wanted to check out! I would never put myself through the pain and misery of asking myself what made me happy! why bother; id seen enough in this life! whats the point!
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The point of this essay today; Im now seeking happiness and a bit confused as I wake up! I have not one answer for happiness; its never been on my mind! Ive been 100% mentally ill and seeking relief! relief is the " happiness" I was seeking!
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Im doing 1000% better then before! Im better now; and can legitimacy claim that the next level of my life is about happiness! or, Im somewhere in between; Im not quit to happiness, but I am! Im their! I am their; Im at that door!
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I have not thought about it; happiness! what makes me happy; what can I do right now to be happy!
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So, this is the work that comes next; to understand what really gives me satisfaction!
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What makes me happy on a daily basis and go do it! so, its up to me to work with source energy and let paths unfold to my happiness on a daily basis!
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The blocks that used to block me from reality and participating in life are not so big anymore! Im able to become happy; its now up to me to understand this journey to find happiness!

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Its not that Im feeling massive anxiety or horror or anger or anything; their is some anger and uneasiness; some; but not really! more uncomfortable! Yet, Im OKe; the problem is; I dont have an answer; I have no idea right now; I get off my computer and walk away and go do things right now that make me happy; really?, Im so used to defensive escaping; Im not used to doing anything that and pro active and makes me happy!
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The problem is; Im literally used to fantasizing or dissociating into other worlds then reality; Im used to going into my mind; that is where I lived! now, I have the ability to begin to live in the real world again; and Im perplexed on what to do; simply because I have no development in this area!
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So, I will be exploring this idea of " Now happiness"!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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