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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2020
CPTsd; Im starting to understand a need for a cure
   Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:06 am
Pure evil
   Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:09 pm
changing my attitude about people
   Tue Sep 08, 2020 12:27 am
Third level; hard earned.
   Mon Sep 07, 2020 1:11 am
Im finally starting to figure somethings out
   Thu Sep 03, 2020 10:26 am

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What makes me happy

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:00 pm

What makes me happy?
Im at this place of asking the questions; what makes me happy!
I feel like someone that is waking up from a surgery; Im in the OR room. I feel like the nurse is asking me; " you are waking up, do you have a ride home"! of course they would have arranged this first before the surgery.
Im waking up from mental illness; and the success based teachings are asking what makes me happy. The idea is; If Im practicing what makes me happy now; my vibration level will be higher and Ill attract things at that vibration level.
I ask the question; what makes me happy! In the past, anything that would knock me out of reality! addictions, so I could forget; or, death! Death was all I sought after; I thought of nothing else; most of my life, from later childhood and on; death; that is all I wanted; death, death, death!
Now, I feel the pain, I mean, I feel it! I feel the desire to not know what I want because Im not sure how to live on planet earth; if i cant have my privacy or freedom; whats the point; if I cant express myself, then whats the point! if I cant be myself and speak out against what I believe in; whats the point! what is the point!
Death was all I seek; it is not what I seek now; but Im in the same boat I used to be in; I have no other answers!
If you asked me right now; " what makes you happy right now" " could you go do 10 things that make you happy today?" the answer is no! Why?; Im going to find out!
In the past It could be that I had no free control over my own life, no money, no happiness, no future, did not see any future in my mind! Could not see how I could be or do anything in this environment! I felt stunned and traumatized and unable to function in this environment! I had no love, I was broken hearted and had nothing! I lost everything I loved! all human things! I had nothing! Death was all I sought!
Today; Im not the victim! so, Im asking these questions as a beginning search! I know what I react to; but what makes me happy! what type of environments do I need to be in to be happy! Im not sure! I used to give up and would not ever get close to questions I had no ability to actually create! I was 100 million miles away from ever being happy or believing I could be happy in this country or environment! I just wanted to check out! I would never put myself through the pain and misery of asking myself what made me happy! why bother; id seen enough in this life! whats the point!
The point of this essay today; Im now seeking happiness and a bit confused as I wake up! I have not one answer for happiness; its never been on my mind! Ive been 100% mentally ill and seeking relief! relief is the " happiness" I was seeking!
Im doing 1000% better then before! Im better now; and can legitimacy claim that the next level of my life is about happiness! or, Im somewhere in between; Im not quit to happiness, but I am! Im their! I am their; Im at that door!
I have not thought about it; happiness! what makes me happy; what can I do right now to be happy!
So, this is the work that comes next; to understand what really gives me satisfaction!
What makes me happy on a daily basis and go do it! so, its up to me to work with source energy and let paths unfold to my happiness on a daily basis!
The blocks that used to block me from reality and participating in life are not so big anymore! Im able to become happy; its now up to me to understand this journey to find happiness!

Its not that Im feeling massive anxiety or horror or anger or anything; their is some anger and uneasiness; some; but not really! more uncomfortable! Yet, Im OKe; the problem is; I dont have an answer; I have no idea right now; I get off my computer and walk away and go do things right now that make me happy; really?, Im so used to defensive escaping; Im not used to doing anything that and pro active and makes me happy!
The problem is; Im literally used to fantasizing or dissociating into other worlds then reality; Im used to going into my mind; that is where I lived! now, I have the ability to begin to live in the real world again; and Im perplexed on what to do; simply because I have no development in this area!
So, I will be exploring this idea of " Now happiness"!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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