Im in the beginning signs of getting better.. I cant describe what happened to me accept to say I was completely shut down and shut off as a human being to the point of being like a robot. Im now doing internal visualization exercises regularly to open me back up. Now; as I open back up; I realize Im not in those awful places like before where I was shut down or had to shut down.
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I was shut down through abuses of different natures. Now; Im teaching myself how to open up again; I seem to to be getting my memories back from childhood; a little everyday now. Just a few. Or more enriched.
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As for women. Something terrible happened to me; Ritualistic abuse; that is supposedly what caused my fault dissociative disorder; I guess its common for those with this condition to receive the abuse from 0-5 years old; I starts showing up later and shuts a person down completely; like it did me.
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As for women. I can tell you it was sexual abuse and other abuses that shut me down; forced; people forcing their way on me or into my personal space; or......
What ever this is; it made me completely dissociative with certain situations. and opening up to women was or is one of those.
I just recently starting to break through some of that. Ive been projecting what the abusers did to me on women; when I thought about them; meaning the thoughts of them; how I feel; what I think; I stayed away from women.
Now; as I get a bit stronger; Something stopped me from interacting with women. I would shut down or dissociate or switch into different person.
Im getting a Little bit stronger and have crossed a a % line of recovery; a basic one; maybe 5% or something; but its real; maybe its only 1%; but its happening and Im seeing the core of me starting to allow myself to let the walls down and open up to the world again; it means the PTSD is not being listened to anymore; I want a certain life outside myself and believe I can protect myself enough and be present enough and learn to love again to be part of the human race again and stand with others and walk with other and fell half way good about myself while with others. Sanity is returning to me slowly. Very slowly.
PTSD is not completely ruling me like it did; PTSD is all I saw in my mind; no reflection of the outside world was in their. Now its different; lots more room to play around in my head; Ive got my childhood memories starting to come back; this means they are not stolen or I dont feel someone is intruding on me or the environment around me is so bad I have to shut down. Im starting to remember the memories that make me who I am.
Im seeing sun shiny days in my head; Im remembering.
Some how the universe is answering me concerning the bulling Ive gone through. I dont know. We will see.
Ive got some areas of harm and broken heartedness and grieving and worse; abandonment and loss that will have to be addressed. Should be interesting to see who I become. Maybe Ill become a teacher or engineer; I dont know who I was suppose too be; an actor or Artist, Composer or maybe all of them; I was shut down completely; we will see. The less fear I have of the outside world; the more the walls come down. We will see,.
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So; the energy that God is sending through me to go in a direction; God has shown me thats what Im suppose to focus on; God will bring the first round of energies; and that has happened; hes allowed me to remember; and Im working with the idea.
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So; when young; I was waiting for my parents to guide me the way they should have or were suppose to; into a proper life where I could or would function; hooking into my God given talents and things. Those natural areas or directions have an energy behind them from God...
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Abuse;
When Im abused in a circle; meaning; Im shut down in all directions; I no longer can tell what is coming from God because Im in pain no matter what direction I open up because when I open up Im abused or controlled and cannot develop anything on my own; I Become dependent person on the abusers. I no longer have my own identity or personality; they have snubbed my development shut. they make all the decisions for everything. I mean; including my movements; when I speak; everything.
I turn into a robot of fear and abuse and terror. I was terrorized. I shut down completely; no movement... No one cared; no development; At this time Im abandon and given away; or its been a few years of it. Not sure anyone was really their when I was young; but I made the best of it.
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Anyway; So; God sends his energy through me. So; A gap resides between where Im at now and what God wants me to do with my life; the various things he wants me to do. I know of one of them.
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So; On concentrating and focusing on one thing I know of that God wanted me to do with my life; Im sure of it; I remember. But; when cut off from God and life I become hateful. And so; all areas that were cut off I feel hatred and uncomfortable and strange... And empty and Im not sure thats what God wants for me. So; As I said; im focusing on one thing... And Im sure it was something God wanted me to do; So; Im now imagining this thing and telling myself how much I love doing it; I love it; or I love you. And imagine grabbing it and holding it or playing with it or using it; as if Im already connected.
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So; Ill start with one thing and get good with it and get it back connected to my life; we will start their. After this; I will try to feel or work with God on other things that I was suppose to love and get back to loving them; not hating them until they are back inline with me as something I lover to do...
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So; Im not sure how long all of this will take; a regenerating of my connections back inline with God and regenerated and heading in the right direction; but I get it. And I understand the work that must be done. I think what Im looking at is recognizing what God truly wants me to do; that energy. What is that energy when Im alive inside; what direction is it going... That is what I want to learn; its scary because all of that was feared out of me completely; and now with Gods help; I want to re examine this and find out what direction Im suppose to go.