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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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what happened?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Feb 14, 2014 6:36 pm

As I slowly heal, I begin to remember who I was and what happened. Its almost to much to bare. Its almost a dream. a horrible dream! In this dream Im a child with a good normal life and then Im kidnapped by bad people; Im taken away never to be heard of again! and in my nightmare, the rest of the world shuts its doors on me even tho they know Im dying and scratching and crawling at the coffin lid to stay alive! they don't care, they kill me anyway. In this dream I can't go home ever again... Over time Im raped, terrorized, homeless, mentally destroyed, abandon, tortured, demoralized, thrown away, never to be seen again!

Then I wake up! When I wake up, Im all alone in a strange place and time. Then I realized, it was not a dream! and all are ghosts, and Im a ghost with it! Trapped in ghost land; but not for long!
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I was talking to my therapist, I told her I could not remember past times! I could remember what I was thinking; what was created in my head, but could not remember what was going on in front of me! and this was most of my life... I could have been looking at the wall in a grey empty room sitting in a corner for most of it and I would not know; and never know I was in this room. I would have created a lavish fantasy and later believed I was living in this fantasy, unaware that I had never left that grey room. this is the nature of dilution mixed with dissociative disorder. I was told I was lucky! I was bright, and this kept me alive!

ITs incredible when I start to remember how I felt as a child or a boy! I had some freedom and would have never expected that my life would be ruined and destroyed or a sociopath would destroy it! or the mental conditions I would be facing! and the years of horror, sadness and torture! So close to killing myself several times a day, everyday for ever! Never ending, on n on n on!

I cannot believe my own father would abandon me to a sociopath; he was more then a coward, he was a murderer, and he was a sociopath as well. And thus I had no father, but a stranger play acting a role for his pleasure! a stranger that had no rights to be around children!

I truly believe anyone going through what I did will not live long. I know of no one with my story in my general cultural area. I believe they would be dead at an early age.

Im not suggesting others are not going through the same horror! many more then I did! However, the mental conditions created suicidal pressures that I believe normal people cannot handle. And, thus, most do not know what it is like to be tortured to death! They will die young and I will have few people to talk to if I survive; and it looks like Im going to survive this thing and get back on my feet again!

Im going to disney land, rebuild a family of my own, have mountain bike trips, play volley ball! and live the rest of my life! And f#ck the past and the horror people cowards that never had the balls to live; instead killed children to blame for there demise. f#ck them! F#l'm all!

Im alive and coming back to life again! Im bouncing back from something impossible to bounce back from! Ive done the work! nothing is free in this brutal game!

If you can't get your cloth clean with regular detergent, then its time to soak it longer with industrial detergent and prepare yourself for a long battle. sometimes this is what is required in this life!
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What does it take to live today!

Im finding most of my recovery work is base stuff at this point. It used to be about spiritual issues and resentments, going to the therapist, working the 12 steps in groups! learning how to prey to God for help and trust!

Learning how to inventory my situation and arrested development; getting back to a point of starting at age 8 or 9 working with God starting the developmental processes; very terrorizing stuff. Sad stuff.

However, Now its about interactions; in cleaning! learning to interact with my clothing as a hobby! keeping my place clean as a hobby! not a bad hobby I would say! its different; lots n lots of benefits.

How about nice clothing and shoes ( mountain bike free rider shoes and hiking biking boots)as a hobby. ( free rider downhill mountain biking shorts) camelback back packs!

mountain biking as a hobby!

Creating stuff as a hobby !

cleaning my apartment as a hobby!

All of the above have been very painful in my life for many reasons. I was never loved, and told I was no good and not worth anything. Its is horrible and almost appears impossible to do these things without going into a rage. However, this is and has changed; or, is changing.... slowly.

Interpersonal interactions; mechanics, cloth washing by hand. clothing as a hobby, cleaning stuff. All of these things create tension from PTSD overload. I get hit from the past when doing the same tasks; house work. Because any work is intense and interactive! I freak that I cannot protect myself! someone can attack from any angle or direction. I must stop what Im doing and protect all boarders.

I have a lot of rejection associated with cleaning! I had a mother that refused to clean for me! I wasn't worth it! I meant nothing to this person and they showed this contempt in many ways.
I was never at a stable enough point to be a mechanic. I did not have the house or permanence of a family system.. This adjetation brings up massive debilitating rage! It pulls by forced hostage taking; against my will, into the hear n now.

Music art writing acting; creating stuff is the same but different; its all intense interaction. Ive had some success with the creative process! I was still ran over and demoralized, so damage is present!

I have to keep trying! I feel so open and exposed, it freaks me out and I shut down. I have fears and thoughts and memories and PTSD exposer and I feel destroyed, humiliated, and demoralized. All of this and intrusive thoughts take over my mind; Im taken hostage.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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