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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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What do I do all day

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jul 25, 2019 4:45 am

Im turning into the child I used to be. but now what.
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When I was young; I watched star trek; I created pictures and I went to my best friends house.
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Today; I watch star trek; Am getting close to making pictures again. And in the place of the old friend I had from long ago; I go to allot of 12 step meetings; seems to fill the same purpose.
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I live on the edge of the same neighborhood I grew up in.
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The child in me is running things; recreating what it remembers.
One goal is to interact with the environment; the neighborhood. This means; every day or night; riding my bike around the neighborhood as if I still live their. I live very close by.
The next is the equivalent to school; how can I replicate school; what does my imagination tell me.
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When I was young; I went to school. If I were to replicate this function of being away from home 8 hours a day; what would it be; what would I be doing in the place of going to school but it serving the same function; I would call that work. But I don't know what the universe will call this or what it will be; but the function will be. At some point the function of this will occur.
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What is happening here? The child in me is replicating everything. The child in me was successfully transplanted from 1966 into me in 2019; However, no resentments or past people are associated with it; its like a bran new child; bran new. No history. the positive fun it created is all that is known; when in its neighborhood in the 1960's. It brings with it its vast experiences of friends and frolicking around and Christmases and new years, and playing football in other kids yards; and raking leaves and Halloween and Easter candies and many other things of interest. and Christmas shows and Christmas Carols. These things were created and recorded from that time; from a lost time. These are brought forward.
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The child in me with the guidance system hooked up to the universe is programing the universe to create and simulate a replica life for it based on its experiences in 1966 to1970. And Im beginning to watch things sprout up all around me that remind me of the way things used to be. They are real things. And I am becoming peaceful and happy.
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One area of interest that is growing is Loon Lake; a most wondrous vacation experience for me as a kid. It was fantastic heaven sent. We would always have the same cabins; and we would buy tee shirts with beer cans of bud wiser or miller beer or some other product on the front. And or tank top of the same nature. And when we got to Loon lake; We " the kids" would roam the garbage cans all day looking for bottles and cans; a penny each. and we would take the money to the main open store; a few hundred feet from the cabins; it was a large open place; you could eat in the porch area at night or play pin ball or pool in the adjoining area.
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We would take our money and buy snow cones and play pinball; dime a game; or run down the stairs to the beach. And the next day; take out the motor boat and go fishing and or looking around. One year I pushed this girl off the dock into the water and wrecked her suede outfit. She came running after me and pinned me against the wall; she was bigger then me; taller. I made her smile, she slammed into that water like a water buffalo...
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Loon like was an identical experience to the show flipper in the 1960's.
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My first visit to loon lake; I was 5 or 6; I would go out of my way to find a kid my age to play with; usually a girl. Or maybe some other kid. In the mornings you could hear the train go by our cabin. And my friends and I or brothers would put pennies on the tracks and watch then get bent and smashed by the train when it went buy; and we would run outside and see the train and watch it go buy; usually at 6 in the morning...
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I would draw at afternoon and morning and night and read my comic books and mad books. Every years it was the same. And we would swim; the beach was man made imported white sand. It was a wondrous time; wonderful.
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The child in me wants to go their; go back; We will see. The idea is to have An Asian wife with me this time. We will see what the universe resurrects for me. For the universe wants to resurrecting this. I can feel it. I can see it; I can see it as a pathway; but the universe must bring the wife and the money and the transpiration; or; Im not going. Ill die first.
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More n more Im seeing it; its like something out of a science fiction movie. I must remember tho; its the laws of attraction; I must attract these things; I have to go by the rules to resurrect these things back into my life. Its the child resurrecting these things; its working through the universe; its sending its signals of what it wants.
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Im an intellectual; this is another area; and introvert. Should be interesting to see what the universe brings to me; what it creates. Right now Im in the infancy of this child within me..... We will see what new things appear and sprout up....
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Healing; Im healing up in ways people on this site would not understand; it is pure and true magic. However, some might.
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I had desolation; times of being thrown away from the neighborhood; away from my house and into an apartment with my father; it is their that I saw his true nature; he was a sociopath and I was not wanted; He had been a fake the whole time that I had known him; he never loved me or cared about me or even knew me; what I didn't understand; He was around me; but never saw me. when he invited me to go somewhere with him when I was a little boy; it was for his benefit, probably not to look alone to others or to be alone; I might have been in the car with him; but he never saw me. I did not exist.

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When I went to live with him; I officially had no home. My home was sold and gone and with it the dreams of the neighborhood I lived in; I still lived in the neighborhood; but now I lived in a crummy apartment building down the street and alone; no brothers; And no one cared about my schooling. After months of being with him because of neglect. I had a breakdown and had to leave. and from the start; I was slammed that know one cared about me or my talents or development; he was more interested in luring in innocent broken college girls... I was more the heart broken; I was destroyed as a human being; for instantly and again; I was not wanted, not noticed, and thrown away to nothing; my future pawned off to someone else. but no one cared who that someone would be; these people didn't care if they ever saw me again. non of them; and that was the deepest message I got; I was not cared about and I didn't exist; no matter how hard I tried for my survival; these monsters where going to make sure that would not happen. So; I had to go back and live with my mother... Who sold the house and I had no where to go or I legally had to go with her.
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That time period of being at my fathers apartment was a de moralizing horrible nightmare and catastrophe. A death blow to a child that had just received another death blow months before that...
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What I will say; today; right now; most of that is healed. It affects me not; I am back in the neighborhood right now as I write this. And I remember what happened but the real me is growing again in that neighborhood right now. The universe has supplied me; Im back and the universe is taking care of me and what happened to me back then cannot effect me now. And I have not felt like this but for a little while. IT was not that long ago I was still effected and disabled from those events. Im not suggesting I'm not crippled or numb. Im suggesting what used to destroy me is not even bothering me; Im protected right now. I have a base; and its not from the past. I wish I could describe what is going on; the universe is recreating me in this neighborhood again without the past traumas. Its work and its scary to go through; this new resurrection. But its happening.
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Im getting back all the excitement and joy without the psychopaths or the false friends or false sickening teachers that hacked me and tried to make me into a bad kid; sickening.
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I don't have the false best friend and his family; they came and went and came to a moral ruin. I had no idea they were so corrupts in nature; but I found out; I found out in a safe way and safe place. Im glad Im not them. Im glad Im out of there.
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The point is; the universe is taking care of me and making me prosper in a place that ended up killing me when young. Im afloat but not by the same boats I used in the past. I was killed in those boats; someone put me in those boats and sank them; and did this when I was just a child.
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So; Im waiting on the universe for the next move. My wife is the biggest concern. Wheres me wife universe; where is my wife.
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I wonder where my wife is. Ill have to start writing about her more. Ill have to write about her until she shows up.
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Today I ran into this cute girl at the store; she worked their; I was so needy and embarrassed I made a fool out of my self by trying to stare at her while acting like I wasn't looking at her or interested; She looked at me like; " Move on"; she worked their at the store. I was needy and out of alignment; I was looking for my wife. I keep demanding that the universe bring my wife; I don't understand why its taking so long. Im almost scared Im not going to have one. but I don't understand this. Wheres my wife.
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This poor girl at the store; she knew I was out of alignment and she pushed me on. She could tell by my behavior I was acting aloof because thats cool; and those signals are courting signals; she rejected me and pushed me on; like; " go get inline with yourself; Im not your girlfriend"; And it hurt really deep bad. but Im flopping around mopping around asking he universe where is my wife.... And Im getting desperate and hitting on poor checkers at stores because their cute; kind of a cheap lazy way of pan handling for women. I have to have a bit more faith in the universe; but the universe seems as dry as a well when it comes to springing up women for me. I don't get it; I really don't; Im super scared that Im going to be alone for the rest of my life; like its some kind of destiny that I never even have a first girl friend; because I have never really had one. Ive never really had that girl I really liked; never; and I really want someone that I really want and can take care and love. A White Knight saving his castle Maiden; She lets down her hair and I pull the dungeon doors open; and run up to the spindle room and save her and make her my wife.
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The point is; I made a real fool of myself today; I embarrassed myself and created contempt in someone that I had no business creating anything; I was not invited; this was a perfect stranger and I just couldn't leave it alone. I had to meddle around and try to get her attention in a most backyard back standard way that seems almost like a cheap shot; I wanted something nice for a cheap price and I thought I could get it that way. I was strait armed and knocked into the direction that led to the door to leave; something like that. My signals didnt go off to well with this person. I was just frustrated; Im waiting for my wife and she hasn't shown up yet And Im wondering if the universe even thinks Im worth having a wife. Ive tried writing pathways but I dont feel anything; I feel like Im just writing into outer space. I dont get it; Why isn't the universe supplying the pathway to the right social set of people that are suppling my future wife. What am I missing; what is the gap of this thing; what do I do to jump the gap; or work through it. Something missing on the destination area. I might hit a bullseye but no ones home. Im seeing an empty house. And I dont get it.
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When it comes to women; everything is dried up; and I dont get it. did I do something wrong to the universe for the universe to hate me. ive been told to keep trying and keep a positive attitude and keep working at it; but Im feeling some bad stuff. Like Im getting used or something. I mean; Im not feeling anything. I'm not seeing anything. Am I suppose to go to another city. If so; where. and how much will it cost. Im completely lost. Usually I can start writing stories or visualizing but its doing nothing for me; Im feeling nothing. I dont get it. I really dont.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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