April 2024
March 2024
What comes next; I wonder what the remainder of my life will be like... I mastered survival mode now I would like to live; just read that from a post...
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Still alone. Still lonely; but maybe not as much as I think I am. Im starting to see the world a bit differently.
I pray allot; I look back at several women that liked me; in my mind and when I pray to God; they are blocked; all of them. Out of 5 women; only one is allowed through... the rest are blocked in my nervous system. A God block...
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Not sure what my future holds; what I will be doing or why. Ill come up with ideas. I hate being alone. I dont like the idea of never having any women in my life ever. This just seems crazy and a waist. I just dont understand. But the women that liked me did not like me enough. The women I loved could care less... They seem to love nothing and they certainly have no value for my love for them even tho it came from God and they must have been calling out for it; they did not owner any of it. Nothing... And they certainly didnt owner me as a friend. They wanted me at specific times; if I didnt show up to being what they wanted; they wrote me off as a fool and moved on. But I was not a fool... I never moved on; I went back to God and worked with God...
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I dont know what my future holds. Im old now... My time is limited.... At some point Ill be passing away..... My life; God has helped me to answer the problems in my life but their has been little life; Its been nothing more then catch up working through trauma so I could get back to who I am originally; But no time to live my life. All of this work simply to wake up where others put me to sleep; I was awake before that I would have done fine if I had been left alone.
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Im grateful; just alone. I think as I get better I wont have to be alone but the blocks within me for women and relationships and music and struggling with Art. the Art part broke through; the music and relationships have not; not yet; thats what Im working on. Coming back to the present. Im not sure what work will pull me back to the present; ill continue to do what Ive been doing.
I still have dissociative order and AVPD. I have allot of work to do on goals and accomplishing goals. As for people; if I was attracting the right people; non of this would be an issue. So; I should look into the kind of people I really want to attract; really think about it and see who shows up...
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One main problem has been the 12 step rooms; its the only social situation I know. I dont know anything else and something else has to open up. I have to try something new. I have to clean things up/
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I still live like Im a 20 year old college student; my bedding and room cold be clean; its not; meaning; I have basics to work on; Im getting interested in such things; I didnt use to be.
I am now.
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Im slowly working toward these things... I hate being alone; meaning that isolation feeling of being alone for 2 long.
Ill have to work with God on this stuff. I gave up on people along time ago. I would like to become connected again as a human being. At least try it. Work on it with God...
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meet new people. Decide what kind of people I want to associate with. Because its done no good being around people that dont appreciate anything about me.
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At some point I start again. Im still back their; meaning; Im not out of the past yet into the present; not yet; still grieving; one area God wants me to finish is with this girl of the past; I am to rewrite my history with her and make it work this time in my imagination; Im suppose to do that before God will bring me anymore women.
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All the women that have been brought to me; all are blocked. All of them; Blocked by God accept one. One should up on Facebook friended... I prayed about it; it was so uncomfortable; I ended it; but then I prayed and shes in. I could feel it; she was not blocked. God was not blocking her; I could feel it in my personality; in my mind; in my heart; she was not blocked.
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The girl from last year; I think the problem is; Ive not grieved her because she is gone. It never was before it never got started. its so sad kind of... She was a true love of mine; Only had 5 words with her and that was all; in a sense. Never talked to her; never talked to her ever again. After she courted another man in front of me; it was completely over; that Was truly horrifying. Sicking; shes a monster. Sickening.
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The point is; shes been gone for a long time. 9 months... And its time to start a new vision board of what Im looking for. I dont know if Asian soulmate makes any sense anymore; I dont know. The problem has been the meeting of new people. But that may be what comes next. I dont know...
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We will see.
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I have to look into new type of people Im interested in; possibly and most hopefully intellectual people. That would be nice.
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Art; The next step is the breaking through of phase 2. Ive made it through phase 1 and restarted again. Now; I have to create work for phase 2 but for what purpose; I dont know; Ill have to work with God on it.
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Music; Phase 1; Ill pray about it; im blocked. slowly heading toward what it will take to unblock my thinking; and the triggering to PTSD instead of positive thoughts about being involved in music. I think I feel like a loser.
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Women; girlfriend. This is phase 1; not completed yet; but have done lots of work on this area. but must complete the re structuring and re scripting of the girl I liked when young; re script it on paper and in my mind to a happy ending.
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Im starting to see the bigger picture. I have to practice in my imagination walking to women; grabbing their hands and serenading them. Imagine a man walking up to a women; dropping on his knees and proposing to her; with force; with energy; with all humility and begging for her; all her; all attention on her; wanting her craving her; jumping leaping in the air for her; landing in front of her; startling her and her girlfriends; and right in front of her grabbing her hands while on one knee In front of her; asking her to marrying him... confessing his feelings for here. And their it is; in one form or another; thats what a charming man does with a any women in one way or the other; thats the dance the magic.... thats whats been missing for me; all of that ability; it got knocked out by bullies who controlled my movements; my ability to walk and when and if I had they permission; I was literally turned into robot who operated according to fear or by fear. Worse then fear. But this happened to me; this brainwashing when I was in high school and before... I had no one and was thrown away; no family; thrown away and in a state of paralysis and shock. So; I was in the most humiliated of situations; I was a victim of high school bullies; I as turned into a drone and passed around as a weakling who could be pushed around and controlled any time someone else thought so. Inside myself; I was in a state of panic; wondering why this was happening in or on public property or a public facility. But what I didnt realize I was thrown away; I was not protected by anyone including a family system; I was nobody at this point; just a ghost in a school system where anyone could do anything they wanted to to me. I had no political clout; nothing; I was not important to the teachers; I had no middle class family defending me or calling to make sure I was oK ... nothing. I had no wing man; nothing. I was abandon and at the mercy of the psychopaths in the school system; the kids and the bad teachers. I was a throw away they cared nothing about; including my schooling or future or life. Nothing. I was crippled and destroyed.
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So; now; that part of self that was crippled and destroyed is getting rehabilitated by me. Ive figured out how. And Im applying the antidote; The plans the universe has sent are working well; but I must apply them; and that will take a years time. Im already seeing results; But its slow... Thats OK; the more I practice the stronger I become and the stronger I become the more I believe I can be myself out in the world again according to my worth...
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The key for me. Imagine I came from a middle class background; how would I act around others; around people. What if I dont come from any background; How do I act around people. And that is what Im working on. Many people will not accept me for how Im acting; they will question me to see if I come from a background. I dont. Im having to create my background. Not everyone will accept me as I am. So; I must get so strong as to make it through those who do not believe; this is very hard indeed... But God is with me. I must practice first before going out into the world. and I know how to do that.. So; everyday I practice and get stronger; very little bits at a time but lots of practice to obtain those very small amounts. It takes lots n lots of work; footwork to attain those very small small beginning amounts; over n over n over; but with time everyday; months and months and months; it adds up over time; much like learning how to play a guitar. It takes time.
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