As I grow up; several areas are showing up.
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Working with the psychopathic brother; not all sociopaths are in jail; " The sociopath next door"; They have contempt for everyone and think the world owes them and they are the victims. I have a brother that wants to buy some things that I have; but I wont ever sell them to him ever. Not his business. But he tries to act like we are buddies when what he wants is what I have and feels no remorse about such things. He has an agenda and is using me. He doesn't seem to know I know nor does he care nor does he know me. For him; its like a criminal who has found a mark to play...
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Anyway; He takes car of some of my stuff that was left to me. He pulled this on my last brother who was homeless and stole his land from him. My brother ended up dead; thats why sociopaths are so dangerous... They are ruthless and in human...
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Im working with God on the greater things for my life. I take all things to God first.. And after words... So; God is my influence through prayer.
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I just asked my brother if I could borrow a car for a trip; He said no and made an excuse; of course he was lying; he simply doesn't care because he has no value for me; its all fake and what he thinks he can get from me. The sociopath becomes illogical; What do I mean; my brother see me and my older brother; the one who just died several months back; sees us as the enemy. We represent what he could not have; so; he has the right to steal everything from the family and continue to do so; just because; its amazing to watch; horrible and ruthless.
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Im working with God on all things; that is why he is still involved with me. As soon as God gives the go a head; he will not be involved. The house he lives in was swindled out of my and my other brothers hands. My oldest brother never understood. But I do...
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God will supply. But I did ask! Because Im showing God some action and directions...
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happen for myself and getting my own needs met. Well; As an adult; Im doing it again through the .
Mother/father; growing up.
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My main goal is this.
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When very young; my mother and father gave me attention; up to the age of about 6 maybe; or 5; but by 7 my father started falling out on purpose. They used me up to the ages of about 6 then started throwing me away.
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At some point I was able to reach out to the community and start to develop up to the age of 9; but there were problems. And after that I was fully thrown away; And I went into a state of shock I never came out of.
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Today; as I grow through the recovery process; Im starting to wake up again. Im looking for inner independence. What does that look like. It looks like my father and another taking care of me and I branching out from them little at a time slowly connecting to society around me to make things recovery process; the recovery process is my mother and father and I also pray to God.... and Im learning to be led by the universe and my inner being. Im slowly re learning how to take chances again that will develop my life. Im like a third grader getting the development I missed when young.
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However, Ive grown. Im now about 15-17 and Im interested in cars for the first time; and this time; without the help from any old family members of the past.
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Im slowly working with others. And with no grandma around to pay for things. I have to learn to work with the universe and learn to pay for it myself; something I've never done before; Ive never had to; Ive been taken care of or lived off the state all my life. Ive never ventured out into the real world before; I couldn't.
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Now; Im asking the universe about money And Im asking the universe for money and how to gain it. Iv e never done this before. Ive never worked for anything before. never. Nothing really big like a car. and Ive never taken care of a car on my own; working with the universe to make it happen consistently. Meaning; I need money; where does it come from. I don't get to run under the bed and dissociate completely; I have to want to work with the universe and work with the universe and ask the universe for help and stick with it.
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So; we'r talking about development; the development I would have gotten when young; or I did get but shut down on after the trauma started. God shut all past stuff off; So; its possible that all that is needed is to open up the past again; feeling safe; and re learning how to go back in and re experiencing what I already know.
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Its already happening.
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So; Im about 50% of the way their; back to that feeling of mother and father taking care of me; Im at the cabin at the vacation spot. Ive arrived; Im 6-7 year old. First thing Im going to do is go next door and meet the other other kids at the other cabins and we are all taking off to go swimming. And develop and talk to my brothers and develop with them out side of my mother and father. We live private lives out side my mother and father.
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So; God is taking me back to those things; so situations; as if im in the neighborhood and learning from all those in the community around me; God is putting me back in a neighborhood for this.... and its working... Ill have to keep working with God.
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And I could expound on more about inner independence with Mom and Dad and learning or growing up to the point of making my own money for my own ventures and thats where all of this is leading but I need more time in the neighborhood with the other fellas to make things happen; to grow up and move forward; get some maturity for such things; lots to learn as well and learning to stand up for myself; all under the care of God... And its not under the care of my parents; its now under the care of God these does simulating parental situations and neighborhoods that will help me develop.
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Car;
Im working with someone on learning about cars for the first time and learning how to take care of them and what they are all about; the parts and the forums for the vehicles.
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So; I have people on my side.
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What car; seems to be between 3 models of interest; in the end; It is God who will pick. What do I need the car for; For vacations. So; I take off in my state from my home town and drive to a location... ive got about 4 locations of interest right now because they are associated with my childhood; Ive been to 2 of them by way of others driving and Im about to rent a vehicle maybe and go to another vacation spot 4 hours away and are check that place out.
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So; Im working with God on getting a car. What kind of car. Actually; I see it as a Honda with 100,000 miles on it. 5 grand kind of thing. maybe a bit more; who knows; something like that. A Honda Fit o Honda HRV or a Honda Odyssey... Not sure; what ever God sees fit for all of this. Dont know yet. Id have to be ready to handle the requirements for such things on a monthly basis. I think God wants me to go on vacations and the car fits in to that nicely.
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Thats the idea. But God will have to show up with the goods or teach me how to work for money; buy things and save things for what ever all of that is about..
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Does that hit all the subjects I wanted to talk about today...
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Women; Lets talk about women.
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Its going well with me and women; im learning to walk up to them; Those I already know; walk up and ask them to stick around and sit with me and talk to me... and they are and their giving me advice Im asking about concerning women and how I act around women; the biggest concept Im getting is; Im passive aggressive and Im treating women as If Im dealing with my mother. And I can see this....
Women dont owe me anything if I refuse to talk to them tell them how I feel or ask them out; regardless. Thats the message Im getting.