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What am I thinking about

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am

Im thinking about Loon Lake; and that is a plus; because thats he real me as a boy; and Im hoping to slowly merge into this person; not just see it in my mind. Im getting closer; as I get closer to integration with this person; I get lower level into the scene as if Im their; Im attempting to see it in first person point of view.
This was the real me; and at a time I was doing Ok.
I was on vacation; Im allowing the universe to help me.
Im also working on pathways to my intimate relationships...... Pathways that start with me and in my imagination; move to new places.... And I have to keep at it. For in my imagination is where the work is. And thats where the damage and anger is.... and as I write this; I can feel the anger welling up; its a hard anger and hatred; brutal. The abuse I went through. And much worse then this considering the damage; its full damage; complete; death damage; unfortunately. To bad....

Im attempting to become myself again... Its in my imagination. The pathways are in my imagination. The rest of my life is on hold until this; and Im dissociating from the pain when I say this; so; I don't know whats going on here; its associated with creating art. So; I used 2 words; " hold" and " art" in those sentences and I dissociated. I assuming Im dissociating because Im getting close to myself. Im getting close to the real me... Something is happening....
Asian soulmate; Ive had 2 or three women show up as Asian soulmates; the big problem; they were in chemical based 12 step groups; and those people; lots of them; never stay clean. Even the pictures of what I was looking for from the net; they look similar to the girls that were interested in me. The universe ruled out 2 of them; and actually a 3rd.
The goal is to move on to educated people; and I just cant make the trek; Im so dam tired of all this. Its like I have agoraphobia and cant leave my apartment; actually; I have agoraphobia; Ive been hospitalized for it.
The problem with the learned helplessness is; Im like an 8 year old or 6 year old; I live in PTSD world; it takes over my brain; and I cant move...... cant move into a new area unless I know what it is; and that means moving beyond the ptsd area in my brain into something new in my imagination.
So; the work is using my imagination; that is the work. The goal is to integrate the child at 8 on vacation; integrate him with me; that way I can be their as him on vacation at 8 years old and move into new avenues through my imagination into the present.
If I knew where to go in my imagination into the present; I would go their; but I don't get good thought; they are all bad horrible horrible thoughts of isolation, desolation, aloneness, loneliness; like being on an island all alone with no way off night after night.
When I think about people; all I see are people laughing at me; like a big crowd of people humiliation me. Thats all I see. \.\
Why is it important to move on from where Im at; I cant keep meeting women at these meetings; I must meet them at different places. and I have to do the work in writing stories for this; really allow my imagination to go places to meet people.
I don't have a car right now; and Ive used that as an excuse; but Im all ready seeing and feeling things change as I write this; I have to go back to the middle class. I have to meet women from the middle class; popular people; conservative.. thats who I really am; or is it.
When Was 14 I become popular for a few months. thats all I could take. And I met people; but looking back at my childhood; thats not who I am. Who am I. Who was I as a child.
So I start with the child that I am; and go from their; and meld upward to who I was suppose to be and rewrite everything. Who am I; its hard and it hurts; I will be betrayed by everything and everyone; even friends; boy hood friends that do not turn out to be friends. So nothing is sacred.
I know what Im doing; but I don't; I mean; I do; but I need support so Im going to have to create it in my imagination and see what shows up; I have to keep writing right now; keep uncovering things through my stories...
My condition continues to get better and Im now suffering from another set of problems; paranoia and the strange condition of being 2 in touch 2 fast with the past.
Loon lake has been coming upon me. Its closer and closer and its mine; no one else's; and it does not surprise me the the universe would take me their to find myself and my childhood; its way out their independent of my home town. and saying the word home town is right on the edge; I was not their long enough; I was cut in half at that moment of being destroyed. Possibly I can change that and heal and make it my home town now. iTs up to me; I can some how look at what happened to me as a glitch and Ive repaired things. Ill write stories about it.
I see my social abilities opening up; I was thinking about a football game or something like when in junior high. However, I don't like that; thats OK; it was my original intent but it didn't work when I was moved from my home town. I become lost and a nothing. Im not sure what the real me is suppose to do; Ill have to work on it. Work really hard on it.
So; I see one area opening up; social; it reminds me of popularity and football games and that kind of thing; and thats the kind of thing I would have done in junior high and high school if I would not have been bullied to death and thrown away and in a state of fear panic shock terror sadness breakdown trauma and other bad things; I was completely catatonic. Dissociative.
So; I see this opening up. I can feel it at the meetings;
I should say; I also suffer from agoraphobia. I don't go anywhere else besides meetings. thats it.
Im remembering when I was a small boy; and how I loved the nights in my small town; I loved it here; I loved it so much; with all my heart. and then to be destroyed.
So; Im starting to remember from the 8 year olds perspective. Im starting to really remember; but that puts me into a state of panic breakdown considering what will happen; I can feel the fear and sadness within my system because Im getting closer to the clean break from reality when someone destroyed my family and my home and my way of life.
If I can get those feelings back and can feel them now; and thats whats happening.
Im interested in experiencing a strange form of integration. The child and me and me integrating; thus; his memories become my memories and I only concentrate on his memories from early childhood. Reliving the good things he remembers; for all of that was wiped out. All of it; because I was no longer living in that town or a house or neighborhood or mother and father; nothing. and no more friends; it all died and I with it.
At some point ill accept that childhood again and build on it; remembering it and taking ownership of it; even tho it gets destroyed and I blame myself and Im mad about it because I wasn't a little stronger that I may have been able to stay and be independent; but I couldn't; and I blame my self for being a child and being weak; and I hate that part of myself; and I dont know what to do with that loathing part of self deprecation. I hate myself for what I did to myself. And if they hate me I hate me; Its my fault; It must be my fault. it can be no others.
And I look at the paragraph I just read and the child in me was so young that he had only fantasy to work with as why things were being taken away from him; all the things he loved and his life being taken from him and destroyed. IT was like I was thrown on a fire and burned to death; to death; I died; lights out.
When I was extremely mentally ill from dissociative disorder and after I got help; I could see the childs history only by looking down at an 8mm tape going across in my head of parts of my childhood; I could not see it clearly; but I know it was their; and it was far removed from me; the horror came when I watched it like a movie reel; My childhood and then I remember it just stopped; because I was killed; and that child was no more; that personality was dead. It did not exist anymore.
So; Ill keep working on it; the work Im doing with the child in me; it will show when its time to create art and put it out somewhere; thats the first phase Im looking to develop into a new area; meaning; coming out into a new area as a new person.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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