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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Warped; chances are; Ill get better!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:57 pm

Warped is better then completely disabled! Im still disabled! The PTSD alone is disabling and makes life confusing and I cant get close to anything! I cant get close to anything because of dissociative disorder! Its better; but what does that mean?
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The spiritual work I've done has given me hope; Im very lucky! I know the score for many; they dont find their way back like this! Im very very lucky! Ive found my way back to reality; but Im very destroyed; and still half dissociative disorder'd; warped!
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Im still very confused when dealing with people; its like being half in a dream world! I want to wake up to a normal home as a small child with my parents loving me and taking care of me!
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I spent to many years exposed to things way over my head as a child; forms of abandonment; over n over n over until I seized up and went insane; and then I was thrown away!
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Because I lived around parents and in a house, up to age nine; I was still able to be in a dream world! bulling starts about the 5th grade; the schooling problems show up about 4th grade; no one is taking care of me! Ive missed all development or to be pro active in grade school and development normally! I missed all of it! The school system starts to collapse for me about 4th grade; its been empty from the beginning! Im mad that predators had the right to destroy my life or eat me alive! I was just a child; it doesn't seem fair! What good was this country for me; nothing! its no different then any other place on earth; for me it has been one long torture chamber! However, their is charity in this country! Their is disability insurance!
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So, I have a bit of a chance for happiness at the ages up to about 6; I dont know whats going on! First grade; i want to develop; but their is no home development and no one cares!
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In the second grades; problems show up! Im already dissociative!
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By the time Im 9; I realize that the situation Im in is not real at home; Im being exploited; its a fraud! I go into shock! I realize the people running the house Im in are not legitimate human beings; they are not human! I know what they are; but dont have a name for them ; sicko's. Perverted people; I dont mean just sexually! I was never bothered sexually by these specific people; I have a hard time calling them people; monsters!
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At that point at age 9, Im in a state of terror and shock! I have no place to run! I have no place; nothing! My mind takes a massive turn for the worse and is many more leagues dissociative!
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At that point; at 9; their is no more safety; the illusion of possible safety is gone! Their is no one taking care of me; no one who thinks about me or cares for me! and I realize; their never has been; its all been exploitation! These monsters couldn't take care of anything or anyone! I recognize them; I know what they are! I have no parents; I have no place to go! The only thing I have left is the house and neighborhood Im living in; its the only dream I have left; unfortunately, when these monsters split up; I will have no safety from the other one! And all my dreams; whats left of them; will all go up in smoke!
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Psychopaths vs sociopaths! You dont have a chance to survive around either one. However, the sociopath would not give me away to the state when a child; but the psychopath will; they are pure brutal animals; pure evil! monsters! They have no use for anyone!
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As fast as she can; she sells the house out from under me! I say it that way; that its my house and not hers; because in Gods Kingdom and morality; the children own the house! its their house; their lives; thats the point of having the house and where one chooses to live; at least in good times! Economics plays roles in where you choose to live! If times are bad; they are bad! The point is in a state of morality, the point of a home and neighborhood should be for the development of the children; if love is in the home. If one is living with a psychopath, the home was never bought for the children in mind! the house is bought for convenience by the psychopath for their own reasons! In my mothers case; she simply bought the house because it was an easy walk to work; no other reason! In fact; when young; I didnt know my mother bought the house; I thought my father bought everything; he was a fraud; he let me and the rest of the community believe he was the bread winner! In reality, he was never working; he was an anti social sociopath; he did not fit in anywhere ; this was not just laziness; he was anti social; paranoid sociopath! He would get a job then turn on the people he was working with! and had no conscious about it! He was a complete fraud; the kind you would see on a youtube video about criminals being complete frauds in their communities!
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The point of this! my young personality was being destroyed from the day I was born; I spent most of my young life trying to keep it together! trying to stay above water! As I got older, I could not sustain enough strength to keep it afloat; My mind was being drawn. My personality was being drawn and torn to pieces! I spent most of my life in the basement playing records when young; I lived in a dream life; a dream world; a dissociative dream world! I was learning how to dissociate from reality; that is all I learned in my childhood; and later; pain.
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I was never in reality; I was being protected by the TV shows I watched; that was my reality. their was nothing else! I had false friends; their fore, I had no friends. I would visit them; later, in shock; I was being used! They; their parents never like me or wanted me around; they allowed me to associate with them because it was socializing their sons! When their sons got old enough; I was dismissed! Its sad because I never knew when young that I was never wanted; I honestly thought I had made friends!
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What I didnt see when young?; their parents knew the whole times; they were adults! they knew I was a throw away child that had no business in their neighborhood; but I didnt know! The reason I was allowed around was not from their hearts; they had none; they were rich; their hearts were as cold as steal ice traps! They had the opportunity to use someone for nothing; that was their interest! They actually had a very good deal going on; they had a small child from the nearby area who showed up at their house all the time; this child "me"; by showing up, could in sure their male children or child had outside friends that would socialize them. and thus; thats what happened! I was never loved or wanted; I was being used! the children I associated with pointed this out to me when young, several times; many times; but I didnt get it; the children from the families knew; but they were just children; until they got a little older! When I was thrown away at age 10 and made complaints to my friends that was I was being abused at the new place I lived; my "friends" turned on me; it was made clear, I was no longer part of their neighborhood; and my voice or opinions did not matter anymore! I didnt exist anymore! Soon, these friendships broke down into nothing and I was thrown away from those situations! I didnt know I was not cared for by these people! 2 faced double standard; I did not understand that rich! I didnt get it until I got older! They came from a closed community! I was not part of it! I slipped through the wires by slip up! I was in their neighborhood for wrong reasons! mistaken identity!
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I was ripped away from my entire life! no trace of the young life I had; I was erased; everything! and this was do to the psychopaths; thats what they do! And when your being destroyed at your home when young; by any way or means! Once you leave that home; the community will continue to abuse you and kill you off the way you were being destroyed from your home.
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The point is; during these years of 9 to 15 or 9 to 13; I did not grow up the way I originally believed I would! My father was a fraud and a sociopath! Dangerous! but I did not know who he was when young; not until signs indicating he was never part of my life; he was simply acting like it.
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My personality was never developed; it was thrown away and neglected and destroyed! I never planned as a small child on something like this happening! I never knew I was with the type of filth that would apply such destruction to innocent children!
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My personality collapsed!
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Now; in the recovery process; with Gods help; source energy of the universe; I have a chance of rebuilding my life! Im rebuilding the warped state of my mind; my identity! My identity was beheaded and torn apart! Im slowly attempting to build it back; its a very strange and slow process as I dont know who I am or where I came from! Now; I know I came from the universe and my blue print is with God or source energy! and so, Im slowly getting regenerated back to life by the universe.
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Im in a growth period! learning period of taking some ability to respond to my situation! Im safe now; in a very marginal beginning way! I can start to heal a bit; its all I ever wanted! I saw to things when alone with no help that terrorized me because I had no home anymore! I was subjected to treatment by the community or new places I had to live; I was subjected to things of hate and harm! My mind finally left me from the trauma! No one cared!
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Now, Im showing some signs of waking up! its hard to know who I am or where I came from! I remember when my mind started getting warped; I remember in 6th grade having a massive depression and depersonalization from reality! No one cared!
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The point is; Im finally showing some signs of healing!
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The recovery process; the people Ive met their are recovery people; The women are not for dating! God is not leading me to it! its very frustrating! As for women; Im working with God to be at places of the type of people I can associate with! I have to learn to wait on God!
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its possible I will never date again or be around any women ever again! I hope this isn't true!
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As for women; Ive found non of them safe! nothing! and Im an decent man! Im a respectable man! This is not what a man wants! He does not want a nation full of women he cant date! its very confusing! it will be up to God to bring the right people to me! Women continue to prove to me that they are not the right people for me to get close to! So, I define who I want and send the message to the universe!
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Women seem to lot into 2 groups; those who are looking for Mr right; even tho they've been through 14 marriages; and those who want sex! The problem with women who want sex; young women; Some of them are so fertile; just looking at them will get them pregnant! Ive noticed that some of them that want sex seem to want a new baby! a new baby to go with the 4 other babies they have with 4 different guys; baby mama!~
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Women? who is the right type of people for me? I honestly dont know! When I attempt to get close to regular educated people; Im shunned because of my background! when I attempt to get close to trauma people; I dont trust them; Many of the street people cant be trusted! So; I didn't know! Their is not black n white on this; However, Im scared! Im scared of all the rejection one goes through before they find the right people to associate with! its hard! I have to learn to have faith again! work with God.
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I have to wait on God! I have to feel safe; thats the number one issue; no 2 faced people around me; nothing! no thanks!
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Fear of relationships! Im my mind is not strong enough! And Im not getting the message out to anyone I've been in recovery with; they dont get it; no disrespect to them! Im not always in the right recovery process for everyone to understand all my dual diagnoses!
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The point; I have to let go; and its disappointing! As for women; each women has to show me she can be trusted! and non of them have! For some strange reason; they think manipulating someone is something they are actually withholding! as if I cant see it from the start! Why would I start a relationship of any kind with filth like this! I remember when young! most women didnt act this way! I know the world has changed! The point is; I feel different and unusual! I attract women; but the wrong ones; because Im in the wrong places for the type of women I want to attract!
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What kind of women do i want to attract! I want to attract 2 types of women; those with upper level culture and some education and intelligence! However, if they dont have a trauma background; they do not understand; they dont understand torture and pain or what its like to be thrown away!
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I have not been accepted by the upper classes in my society; not yet! They have no idea about someone like me; someone of my background! and Im speaking from a point of view of knowing very little amounts of these people; almost non; but enough to make some judgments; judgments for my survival! Are they accurate; I dont know! Im not back n white on this; its a matter of knowing each individual; the problem is; its like a job interview when meeting people. So, I have to rely on God.
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My best bet is to work through the laws of attraction! and work with the universe and attract what Im looking for! However, this is a long drawn out process! its working; Im getting the skills! I dont know how long this will take!
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I dont feel comfortable with middle class style people; I dont know what their called these days; Im not sure middle class is used anymore! I would call them; successful families! Those with enough money; white collar? those with professional jobs! educations?; Im not always accepted by these people because Im from a trauma background; they shun such people as if Im a leper with a disease!
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I dont want to be around people that use me or judge me! I feel alone! lost in-between everything! un wanted for one reason or another! However, I have God with me and will work through God to who God sends me! However, especially dealing with women; I have to find a women I want to love or want to be around or find adorable! Theirs plenty of wrong women to date! pretty girls; nice but the wrong ones for me! Im more interested in soulmates and I have to keep working with God to bring them to me!
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I love the recovery process; its actually helping me the way a half way house helps people reenter society! and my goal is to reenter society!
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I prefer not to date anyone from these recovery places; ive had allot of women like me from these places; no thanks! Between the mental problems, jails, and the drugs; Im not interested; thanks!
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What about MILF's. These women dont get it! Im not interested in taking care of their families! Im personally was ruptured over n over; I do not have a strong enough ability to stay present; I cant take care of your 14 year old boy and your 19 year old daughter who is addicted to meth! or what ever the problems are! Im sorry about your x; but its not my fault; my not your savior! I told you about my PTSD long term problems; it went over your head just as most other things you didnt listen to! Do us both a favor; go find a regular guy with a regular job that you can use as a lawn mower man; and leave me be! I cant help you; youve proven this to both of us!
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Ive not always found regular women to be any safer; they are immature and entitled! Im not interested in that!
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It seems the only women I can go out with are the women God sends me for being a soulmates! and I mean this! Im not sure what to think about it!
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So, Im warped; my mind was torn apart; much like someone from a war! and now with these wounds; Im trying to heal up and learn to live again and learn some how to re enter society!
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I am having relief and success; the type of success anyone from my trauma background would love to have! I have to work through the hardest parts of my past; I have to over come them and re create something in their place and place to make up for the time I was destroyed! This is in Gods hands; Im learning to be willing! and it working; but I'm not in control of it! By the grace of God go I.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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