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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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walking over and through the past! saying goodbye

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jan 20, 2017 12:33 pm

I have big problems; one of the solutions is to write! write and write and write! I continue to write in order to clear out the wounds of the past! It was not my fault! I think " fault" is a problem! I blame myself for what happened! after I was abandon I felt worthless; I never saw it coming! I was completely fooled! I must keep writing in order to deal with this aspect of my past!

When young, I did not know I was going to be abused! I did not know I was abused from 0 to 3 years old! I did not know the type of in human vermin I was dealing with or living with! I did not know! I was completely blind to it; I was to young to know! In my childhood! I saw everything innocently! I was innocent! I am still innocent! nothing has changed! However, many things changed concerning the people I knew when young!

I had no real friends when young; possibly a few and that was all! in the early years of my childhood, hope was possible! later, things went down hill, and things got worse! the neglect started to show up in every area! I assumed my parents would kick in at some point and help me and act like parents; the type of parents I expected! They did not! each abandon me! destroyed the family system they created, and then vanished! One must understand, that the word vanish means in heart and soul as well as body! They vanished; this means they were never who I thought they were! they were perfect strangers! they were much worse then perfect strangers! and they did not know me or care who I was! I meant nothing to them! I was traveling baggage; nothing more! I did not know this at first and could never have planned for what they were going to do! I had no clue! they were in human!

When young I had plans; I was the only one who knew me; no one else, and no one else really knew me! The friends I made in the neighborhood meant everything to me; I meant nothing to them! the more specific friends; people I grew up with and thought I would be friends with for a life time, where never my friends to start with, and I did not know this! Later, when seeing them again, they were perfect strangers! Beware of anyone calling you a friend if they do not ask you a question concerning your life our future goals and what you dream about in the future! beware of them! they are liers and not real friends! I did not know who I was around! I tried to pretend everything was OK; nothing was OK! I did not know at first! later, I could not keep cope with life because I was being abandon on a daily basis! later I blamed God for this! For sticking me with these in human vermin! I was worth much more then this; why! why was I stuck with these scum filth! they were not my fault! nothing was my fault! I wanted a decent life where I was loved and valued for who I am!

The problem was; I did not understand the extent of the problems and I did not understand these people! I did not know they were not my family and cared nothing for me! These psychopaths have no family, they have no connection to anyone! so, all people in this situation were perfect strangers to me, but I didn't know at the time! I watched television and made up what I thought a good family should be!

Later, with people I knew in the neighborhood, they would turn on me and make me out to be a very bad person! why?, I was not a bad person! I was a much higher quality then any of these people! How could they make me out to be a bad person! It was simple! they held all the power! I did not realize as a child; I went to them; they never came to me! I thought they were decent people that liked me and loved me and valued me and understood me and accepted me! None of this was true! no one accepted me; they never wanted me in the first place; they looked upon me as an intruder! they looked upon me as someone they did not want in their space or their house! They were Christians; I was suppose to know them by their love? Their was no love! it was a lie! However, to their credit; I went to them; I was very young, and reaching out to the neighborhood around me because their was no love where I lived! it was vacant of all love; I was being used but didnt know it!

My talents were un used, my intelligence and potential never used or developed! schooling was never developed! nothing was ever developed! outside family experiences never developed! nothing was developed! I was completely undeveloped at an alarming right of human attrition! I was non humanly not developed! I had fantasies and dreams as a child of what I wanted to be when I grew up! I never grew! no one helped me! no cared if they ever saw me again; and no one knew anything about me! later the whole world would make me out to be a bad person; this is because I stayed true to myself; I never changed; I kept my identity! I was truly hated! However, I never changed or turned on my own identity! meaning, I did not change to please any of these vile scum!

I was turned on completely and destroyed! and I was completely treated like I was worthless trash by all of them! like a was a bad person! and now I know why; because they were all bad people! they were all sociopaths! and a few psychopathic perverts! They were all middle to upper middle class people; they had money! non human! They do not care about children! children meant nothing to them!

So; what is the answer to all of this?

How am I now; Im coming out of dissociative disorder! Ive been working on it for 10 years; coming out of it! I was put on SSi 17 years ago; then 7 years later, diagnosed with Dissociative disorder and many other problem before this! Im now getting better, much better!

I gave up on all the human race! I never believed their was any reason to interact with anyone anymore; I did not like being judged by the general masses! I was completely miss judged all the time by everyone! I finally gave up on the human race!

Im now attempting to work my way into relationships again! it is so bloody hard! Its hard to trust anyone ever again, after what Ive gone through! Im better; the walls are down; some of them; they are thinner! I hate being around people that do not understand because they don't have to!

As I make my way back into the arms of society once more; I am very apprehensive and scared of the outcome of dealign with the human race! My nervous system has been ruptured! Its hard to get close to anyone! Lots of PTSD causes grave problems!

I've taken my condition to the streets, to the recovery halls! very few people understand my condition or the extent of the damage! most do not understand or care! I gave up along time ago and figured Id be dead from suicide! almost! Im going to die from suicide at this time! its long past! Ive worked thought all of that! not perfect; however, generally I've worked through all of it!

My goal is to keep working through the past and come back to the present as the nice decent person I was as a child! totally possible at this point in time!

Who will support me! what friends do I have? I will pray about it! I work with the laws of attraction for help!

Im interested in a life of meaning and use of potential! Ive been robbed all my life of my potential! I would like to get it back; use it! I understand the past is not coming back; and this is truly a brutal thing!

Im interested in becoming myself again and learning to protect myself this time and pray for the right people to associate with; not the wrong ones!
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I had dreams when young; no one to support them or me; or my identity! no one cared who I am! I mean; they tried to make me into someone other then I am! they tried to make me into a bad person; as if I was the enemy of their tribe or camp! possibly I was! I was a good innocent decent person! they were satanic and evil! They tried; but could not break me; therefore, I was thrown out and they attempted to make me not a bad person! the scape goat of the area or family; did not work! so, I was thrown away at large force! their is a place beyond hate; it is genocide! and soon when evil cannot control you; they turn to this form of murder! For hate then murder then complete erasure of identity! and thus, they tried everything!

The biggest problem was the erasing of my identity! They don't care; and they don't care who I am; only how they can use you! other then using me; I meant nothing to anyone!

The problem is; when I was thrown away; I had nothing, no replacement! I had no where to go, no humans on my side; I went into shock! Im still in shock! Im slowly learning how to come out of that shock!

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Working with God; so, when dealing with God; I ask for assistance from him and from others! I ask God to bring me helpers! those on my side that want to help that can be trusted!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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