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OMNICELL
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Waking up is hard to do

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:03 pm

So; Im starting to wake up; its like being re birthed back onto earth from an earth mother!

I wake up again in another time and place! Wondering what will be different this time!
Im aware its all in my thinking! Ive been given a few gifts by God this time to change my thinking!

Im not sure I understand about art! Im an artist by nature! Yet, no way! Without a practice room; Im not budging unless God wants me to practice art! Am I happy! No! I have nothing to live for!

Killing myself means nothing! Who cares! If God does not want me on this planet, I will leave! So what!

Im not sure how I will handle waking up this time! What to do! I don't know! I must have a deeper relationship with God! I do not understand Gods will for me! There is no way in the world Im going to work for God and not be able to be an artist! No way! It will never work! If I cant be myself! How am I supposed to enjoy doing anything else! What is the point!

I must have a practice room to be an artist; I must, I must , I must, I must, I must, I must, I must, I must, I must, I must! No standard drop! I must!

Im waisting away! I don't get it! Its goes, on n on on! ITs possible, that only the rich are real artists!; then God must help me to become rich! He must, he must, he must! I can only be myself in this world! No one else, nothing else!

Women;
If they would humble themselves I might give them a try! But they, don't I wont!

Im the kind of man that goes after what I want! I have to want a women! The good news is; when I see her; I know! The problem is; Ive met plenty of arrogant strange women with nice bodies! No matter how hard I try, I cant get near them!

There are a few things that turn me off about women;

1. Deception; I wont budge! we'r dun!
2. Masculinity in a women; the business women vice president kind of thing; she opens the door for you or finishes your sentences! I don't suggest you try this with a man like me! Men don't like this kind of thing! They go into a rage and start killing things in front of them! This is an easy way for a women to get her head taken off with an axe!

We live in a horribly messed up country! Men and women are becoming a tonal-a sexual creatures! Not men or women; just white plasma jars! You take 2 white plasma jars; mix them together, and you have a couple!

One big problem Im finding with women; Im going after the wrong ones! The first important issue with women is values, not attraction! She must have the same values! Where am I going to find someone with my values? I will have to work with God and have him send them 2 me!

Sanity; why am I being hit on by the type of women Im being hit on?: Im in their proximity! When it comes to women; it's not fantasy! Women are not like men! Women are in groups; thats where you find them! They are in groups! And as a man, you have to learn how to work a group so that your leadership skills shine! And I have done such things! But I was sick! And I attracted sick people from my groups and could not understand what was wrong! Now I know!

The type of women I want or not of the groups I attend! The groups I attend are to wake me up to reality to bring me back to the present from the grip of trauma past created by the psychopaths! I am still in their tractor beam, slowly being pulled back to the present by the groups of people I attend daily! Im being pulled back into reality! Its like waking up from a giant dream nightmare! Its like falling asleep on the side of a road and never waking up! Someone finds you, drags you into a group of people, and they talk to you and push you mold you until you finally wake up to the present around them! When I wake up, my thoughts of being present from the past; they wake up!

So, The type of women Im looking for are a fair different then the ones Im associated with in groups!

MAGiC;

I am being taught magic! Magic is what was missing from my life! And Im interested in women that like magic and magical realms! God has brought me the right people to teach me how to believe again; believe in magic! To be magical; that is what Im learning! To be in a magic land; is a fun place to be! Its important to see the world as magical; it makes it livable! And God is showing me this that I can survive! One major problem as been; Im not around magical thinking people! So far, Ive been around recovery program people that have help teach me recovery and keep me alive! These are not the people Im going to marry! These are people that are keeping me alive! Im not suggesting these people like me or trust me or understand me! But, God brought them to me and me to them to learn how to live again; it's working! Not all of them agree to help me but some will!
Children live in magic! And they see the future as magic!

The PAST;
The past is strange at times; a different animal to deal with! Im learning, I can always erase it! See it, value it for its time, and feel safe in the present and erase it!
I have horrible memories of 7th grade! No one was around to help me; it was demoralizing! I was all alone! I had been thrown away a few years before, and nothing resembled my life from just a few years before and no one cared! Everyone was gone! I and no friends, no life, no parents anymore! They were psychopaths and found out and they moved on! I was living with a relative! Technically I would not call them that; I was dumped off at their house! They took me in! But they were evil like the psychopaths they created!

I had no father; no father ever existed! It was nothing but a narcissistic sociopath; potential rapist! This was no one you want around children! Im mad that this vermin ever got around me or was allowed around me! or any of the others! Or anyone from the neighborhood I was in! I hate all of them and it! All of it!

I had no place to go! No place to hide away! Nothing!

I was connected to nothing and knew no one!

I was lied to; when early in life, It was suggested to my by my surroundings that I came from a normal background; this would be soon destroyed! No such world existed!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the first time, Im creating hooks into the desires and goals of the future! And Im doing with with the acceptance that nothing from the past ever existed! No one was ever going to help me or show up; ever! And I did not know this! I had no friends from the past, and no real life and no real family and no real place! I came from nowhere, nothing! No real home or town or background! All I came from was gOd! The rest was a true lie!

I have goals; house, truck, mountain biking, skiing! Wife, art and music studio! Locations! Vacations! And Im sure, other things! The point is; Im learning now how to manifest these things, get a hook into these things that are far past PTSD and my limiting thinking from the past concerning the future! Im re creating my story on a daily basis! I write out a story for my future every day; I practice imagining myself in my new life everyday!

I practice! I am alone in this! I have Facebook clubs concerning these things! I have 12 step groups I go to! I have a general support set up! However, Im out on a limb when it comes to my own desires! And I am learning to see them through!

Im changing my view point focus onto the future; onto creating my reality! I am the creator of my universe! And now I'm learning to exercise this!

It takes allot of work; the idea is; you create your desires and goals within my mind and on paper to the point that it becomes normal; you no longer doubt you will have these things! And The universe will match it the more you believe it!

Magic is believing! I stopped believing in anything! It was my belief to stop believing in anything! Instead I believed in hatred, in brutal reality and horror and pain and power and death and violent take over! And from a mans point of view, we can call this war! What did it do for me! Well, lets look at the results;! Nothing!

Z erro! I received nothing from my past thinking! It was a lie! Looks like I was fooled again!

Im know using scientific positive thinking processes and coaching to learn how to actually think in a correct aligned success based process! It's working, its allot of hard work, and it remains hard work!

No hard work or practice with the new thinking stye; and no gains! The more I practice, the better I get and the more understanding! Im in the " understanding" phase of new thinking processes!

Im learning how to think! Im learning the various complex ways to manifest a desire and goal in a successful way!

THINK AND GROW RICH; as the book says! And applying myself to learning such things is up to me!

God has brought me to the point of learning about my future! And Im now at that stage!

------------------------------------

I still have much pain to work through concerning the past! I have allot of false memories of being exploited by the sociopath and their relatives! I was made to believe I was part of a family system! It was a lie! Their was no family system! Their never was! And their was never anyone interested in me or my future! I was all alone and never knew it!

Now, I must go through the past, and erase or get rid of all memories associated with attitudes of happiness! Meaning, memories with the psychopaths when I did not know they were psychopaths! And any and all included people associated with those times; for it was all a lie from the beginning! And its hard to write this! And it's humiliating to deal with! I am alone and always have been!

Im all alone; and when this can be dealt with; it also gives me the beginning! I can start new! No ties to anyone or anything; and use successful based thinking to manifest my future goals; learning how to focus on them; get rid of negative thinking concerning the goals; and hook into them, practicing the visualization and writing techniques as if I have these goals! And soon, I change and start becoming happy again! And stronger I get concerning my goals and more positive! Soon, I realize being positive gets me what I want, and being negative is extremely dangerous thing in every direction!

Im learning, what was never taught me! And it was never taught me because I was truly alone at birth and always have been! Everything in my life was a lie! All I had were my dreams! I did not know this! I thought as a child, the people around me were going to take care of me and watch my future grow and allow me to grow in it! Instead, they watched me die and help create the false lie that would bring it about; and they had no conscious about it! And they will die this way!

The hardest thing is seeing these past people for what they were; strangers! And changing my attitude and view of them! Im getting out! Moving on from them and the past! After seeing them for what they were; Its time to run into the present and create a future!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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