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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Visualizing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm

Im practicing visualizing; specifically concerning, walking up to professional people with my hand out to shake; and saying hi; and feeling good about it and good about myself. Slam Bam; hello PTSD; BAM! I get hit at that instant and it numbs my brain; Today, I don't care; Im working through it; I got this; the idea; I visualize socially; thats what Im looking to create; its all social for me. Its coming back; had this as a kid; a mind-head full of socialization; positive socialization and its coming back.
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The idea is; My mother said she loves me; I run that statement through my mind all day long; including things concerning "the universe is on my side". "Thank you God for all the things in my life I don't know about yet."
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Most importantly, Im pushing it; Im pushing past the PTSD and CpTsD critical voice; Im seeing myself walk up to people in a book store ( its all fantasy); and seeing a women of sophistication and saying Hi. Im a sophisticated person when doing this; thats how I see myself; and more importantly, Im visualizing her with a smile on her face, open stance and friendly and looking right at me; open. And I see myself with a scholarly book in my hand and wearing some kind of attire that suggests intellectuality; And I feel intellectual; and Im visualizing this in the face of CPTSD and flashbacks; Its not easy; its like walking into a hornets nest and being stung and bugged by a billion bees running around me and my head and nervous system and imagination; freaking me out; trying to sabotage my intent; but my intent is not leaving; Im finally getting a hold on my visualizations and Im understanding ; I got to feel like Im the monster God king when I walk up to these people; confidence, happy, directed and out going.
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The key is to see it socially, and that ability is being forced onto the universe; and I will see it in my head first and get better in my head first and more confident first and go practice when Im ready; However, I was confident social before at one time when very young; and then thrown into the school system and the other evil people I was forced to live with; everything was destroyed.
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So; Im forcing it back; its been a long time; and Im seeing lots of evil faces as I force it back; lots of evil faces from my past; but, Ive been working with visualization for about 6 years now; and its starting to get more powerful; I can remember and focus on what I want; and what I want; intellectual friends and girl friends; so; I have to work on imagining Im with them; talking to them; working with them. thats what I want. I want to talk to well to do people; meaning culturally.
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Ive got this space within my mind; its crushed; like bruised; its a place of dissociation and Im attempt to work through it and replace it with good memories.
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If Im not imagining for the purpose of visualization; my mind goes blank and Im back to negative; so; it has to be trained and I must be aware of it at all times..

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Ill get their. Im working on it; and when this breaks and I get better; Ill be able to control my mind in any direction I want; and my mind is what stops me or allows me to achieve anything; because I must first see it in my mind and then if I want to pursue it; it will show up and Ill show up for it.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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