As I visualize being with my first love in my imagination; The hatred comes and goes; I switch back n fourth; where Im blaming her and mad and cut off from her and Im defeated or I tell myself she doesn't like me she is the enemy. And I feel it and I remember doing it to her and not trusting her and she is on the other side; the side of the bad arrogant people. But in reality; she never turned on me. Thats whats so important. What was actually happening was dissociation; but deep scaring split levels of self; very very Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Back in fourth. Now; I see it in my head; I see the loss and fatigue. I see the desperation of feeling thrown away and abandon and not good enough; But the truth is; she never did those things; but in my imagination I can feel the sharp horns of hatred and being stabbed emotionally; but she never did it; but I feel it and I look at her as if I know shes going to do this at some point; So; thats my mind going into a cave within itself to protect itself to plot... But in reality; nothing has changed... She still likes me; nothing has changed and if I want something to change; I must or would go strait to her and tell her; And that is whats missing from my life and my curage. And thats what I have to work on.
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In my imagination; regardless of the negatives thrown at me; I continue to imagine I walk up to her grab her hands and tell her I love her; over and over n over and nothing else; only love; And that I love her and God loves her. And as Im doing this; those negative spikes hit; they are triggered and I keep doing it over n over; " I Love you". and or " God love you". over n over n over; pure love until I connect with myself again based on what I want to think and how I want to think; I want to think " LOVE". Its my brain; So its my choice; Im taking my brain back; thats what this is all about... Its from God...
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The key is; I love period because "I" say so; no one will influence me otherwise and GOD of the universe stands behind me. So; I practice in my imagination loving specific people God tells me to; to practice with until it is a smooth successful relationship; and Im finding massive gain from it; massive universal enlightenment. I believe this will give me a tool that gives me the edge to love unconditional in the world regardless of who or want is out in front of me; and nothing can stop me.
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I will say this. This all started because I had been in the recovery rooms for years and finally stabilized by I was like a whiteboard. My parents had instilled nothing in me. So; Jesus; God; Universe; brought me new parents in the form of laws of attraction coaches on YouTube. And I've been watching that stuff and reading books and stuff on success ever since. After a few years of studying; maybe 3; it was necessary that I become a positive person because the things I wanted to manifest were becoming more serious and bigger. One of those things is a wife. As I continued to work with the universe and create soulmate searches of the kinds for women I wanted; everything turned Asian. An Asian+soulmate; through much trial and error for; for about the last 4 years; Im finally getting to the point of going back into self and fixing the negative dysfunction and turning it positive. Hopefully I will be back to loving and the ability to respond in real time when I need to when first meeting her. Not fixed yet; but it all is looking good... The goal was to have a wife; thats what all of this is about; and I must get up to a high frequency and I am... And inline with my inner being; and I am. And working with the universe and I am.
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Now; I have to be able to sacrifice and love unconditionally before I meet her. Because Im going to love her because I say so; assuming she is a soulmate from God and Ive had a few now.
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However, right now; its all about my imagination and re learning how to love someone; an image of someone in my imagination... practice.
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The next move with first love in visualization;
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The whole point of doing this exercise is not just about me; its about giving service to her. The whole point of know her was; I was driven by God to love her unconditionally; Like she was a little baby and I was going to take care of her. And thats how I presented myself; like I was her ___parents? That maternal love that only comes from true well spring of life; that deep soulmate that was put on this earth to love her totally through and through; she did not have a chance; she was ran over like a tsunami by me.. It was God coming through me that swarmed her and loved her. She deserved that because she was sensitive and innocent and sweet and nice and harmed by the people she was living with; and neglected. The point is; I was honored to love her. It was of the most honorable position to love her with all of me... There was never a greater calling then to take care of her; love her and adore her...
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NOTE: As Im writing this I can see the intrusion of my mothers face and voice and presence; a and their it is; the psychopath lurks within; deep and up close; and thats what they want to do... that is the presence that destroyed this. And it did. But I made a mistake; but I was young.
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It is my job to go back in and love her again; I owe that do her. For me to conquer this thing once and for all. To be able to love again; thats what this is all about... And Im working on it.
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As I see her in the living room in my mind and I look at her; I can see her face looking at me and it is of one needing to be loved and I had the opportunity to love her in real life and I did up close and personal. So; I can do it again in my imagination but it will take work. But my point is; It can be done with work... but it will take allot of work. Im slowly slowly getting their; it will break through at some point and love will come flashing out and move flood the room and her and everything in it and she will be overly loved and soaked in love; painted in it. I have to learn how to love again; not hate or aggressively attack. Or violently attack outward. ( Im looking for the right words).
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I can see all the dissociations and PTsD and triggering going on through all of this. All of this will be over ran and subdued because Im going to love her; just like before; Im not going to be stopped this time; I will over come these mine opticals in the way... Man o man can I see all the diversions popping up over n over over keeping me safe; keeping me from loving her or opening up again...
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Im not sure why she is to blame because my mothers intrusion; I think I was brainwashed somehow into believing my first love was to blame; it was all brainwashing... Im not sure; but my personality split much deeper and the trauma made me ill; literally sick; I become much more mentally ill and could not function anymore. It was like being it with uranium sickness; I could not function anymore.. I was ill from it... And so I could not go back up to her house anymore and I finally wanted to leave the area and never return.
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I am still sick from it; its like overdosing on trauma.
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But the point today is; she deserves it; She deserved my love and shes going to get it; I do it in honer of her.. And the universe will give her this some how; maybe in a dream; she is still alive; will someo how get this gift back to her and it will touch her; touch her heart.
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I can see the sexual abusers as I hold fast upon her arms; I can see the sexual abusers trying to rip me away from her... or stop the whole thing or come in and destroy me and her and everything; take me away; like a bear looking for its pray; it bites down on its pray; pulls its own head upward with pray in mouse; and takes its pray to the back of the cave where it will eat it later...
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So; a fight is brewing between good and evil. And I am the good. And I will win. And I will continue until all passage ways are cleared out of the evil and dysfunction of loving that girl. Nothing will stop me; nothing.
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Lots are in the way and it triggers and turns into turning dissociation and suddenly Im back in the abusers house being sexualized or abused or all my rights physically taken from me... I cant do anything; Im been clamped down in a sense..
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I can see Mathematics; I see the sexual abusers all over this; intimidating me... So; I see both worlds as they open up. I see my world opening up where I can study and believe in something again; I also see the abusers; the memories and my nervous system being triggered.
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So; I see other memories; memories of being with my father in my house as a boy; this is all good stuff; for a few years; all before 8 years old... I also see my mother; and that is scary and fear... and an underline of fear; I can see that... and feel it.
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So; things are possible; just have to keep at this and complete it.. connect to it; connect to her. and stand in front of her and love her as I did so many moons ago... and it was.. but it does not seem like it; She may be dead by now. I dont know. But God is with me... God is behind all of this...
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