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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Violence and long term PTSD and life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:19 pm

Violence; I have or have had full dissociative disorder; you are not going to get a condition worse for violence! You wont; your whole nervous system is shut down from torture! I cant describe it and don't want to! Its fortunate for anyone never to experience this condition! The rage or violence from PTSD of dissociative disorder is something I would rather not discuss either! You will not find any condition worse that turns you into a machine that can destroy those that caused you problems!
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As I wake up and attempt to be part of life; their is no tolerance for anything or anyone; just war! Thank God i don't have children; if i thought someone was bulling them; those causing the damage would be evaporated within minutes! Their is no toleration level for anything or anyone and no fear; nothing! and this is a big big problem! because you have to suck it in! You cannot act out on anything or anyone; they can loose their life very easily, to easily, within moments! and that means, its over for me; for my life! In many situations, my life can be taken by someone else by reacting to someone! War is war!
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The point; Im truly wondering as I get stronger how to control this part of self! I mean; how to get along with others! Walking away from people trying to manipulate or bully me is about their safety not mine! Im not really under any danger by them; They are under danger by me! and that does not and will never help me in the short run or long run! Their is no toleration of any kind; nothing! I have to walk away!
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Your a cannon that can go off at any minute! And theirs nothing I can do about it! my nervous system has been destroyed by torture! Their is no tolerance; nothing! and yet, Im to get along in society?
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Its possible I guess! The problem is not fear! the problem is the fear of acting out! meaning, because I will respond to those attempting to go to war with me; I will loose no matter what happens! because my nervous system is responding to someone trying to damage me again!
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For those who do not know what torture is like; I would rather not discuss it; its not just the pain; its the fact that your own society would allow this to happen to you and nothing is done about it accept acknowledgement by some state health representative that it happened; Heres your disability check; hope things work out for you!
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So, I have to find new ways of coping with a very complex set of problems! Thank God I wont live for ever!
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Imagined someone burned half to death, and flinching from it; now; someone comes along and throws gasoline on them; how do you expect them to react! thats what its like when someone comes up to me and attempts to cause harm or trouble for me; thats the level of reaction their going to get; war!
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Im shocked by what happened to me when young and by who did it; the varied things that happened; the betrayals! However, it happens! I simply had no clue this was going to happen to me! I never saw it; I was 2 young!
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Brothers from my original family system; no different! They have taken advantage of me as well; they have no conscious! it was destroyed out of them; i witnessed it! I watched one of them turn into a full sociopath; I witnessed everyday of it; from before he was effected to the point that he was no more! I saw it happened to my oldest brother; when he started acting weird or strange or started to change! and you couldn't tell something was wrong!
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This certainly is not the life I thought I would be living! However, I must continue with my goals! Going to war is not a selective goal; their is no objective to it, it would go on, n on n on! it would never stop!
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People who strike out because they are wounded will continue to strike out because they are wounded; it would never stop! ever! its better not to go that direction of striking out!~
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I've been through massive amounts of horrible things that overwhelmed my nervous system to the point of shutting it completely off! So, being out in society again is not a good idea! its not a good thing to be around people! many times, people mistake kindness for weakness! This does not work for people like myself; I have no toleration for them; nothing! I don't want to spend my life walking away from people because I cant deal with them! But that might be exactly how I approach this! walk away from them because I cant deal with them! Im never in danger of them! Im in danger of re feeling terror of being destroyed again; its triggering of PTSD! so, I have to learn to walk away from other quickly! I will try that!
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The fear is the judicial system; one will end up in the courts sooner or later, and you cannot act out in violence in a western society; not at a lethal level; not to many times; they will through away the key on you! life over!
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It does not good to be on the run; meaning, destroyed others who have offended me! your now the criminal doing deeds under the table against the law! that wont work because your always looking behind your back! It just wont do! none of it! IT doesn't work to plan the destruction of others because you will be planning revenge the rest of your life; it would be all consuming!
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So, my thoughts go on my goals; and I learn another way to deal with the human race!
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I have an innocent side and find myself around the wrong people! and their ignorance or arrogance or stupidity allows them to cross my lines! I have to stop blaming those people and get away from them! stay away from them; and look for other ways to heal!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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