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OMNICELL
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Vile hatred and anger.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm

Im vile and have deep loathing thick brewing cauldrons of anger of hatred; of contempt and loathing; hate filled loathing and brewing... hate filled. War is the only answer; a war of a different sort...
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Ive been stopped in the past; intimidated in safe spaces that were suppose to be safe for people; they were not; but I never had any safe spaces; for the filth I was associated with ruined that when I was young; I was never safe anywhere... and Im still not. And I go to sleep and stay asleep; even when Im awake Im not here.
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I have to look at why Im not safe in the spaces I frequent; Its either safe spaces that are marginalized or isolated loneliness; which one do I want; the other choices are why Im on this site and writing this blog and getting all the outside help at hand; I want these are choices to materialize for my life.
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I have to look at safety and where I would be safe and how to get there and the type of work. As I write this; Im blocked; so I know Im on to something; the critical voices in my head are blocking me from dealing with this subject; why? someone came in when I was a child and pulled the safe places out from under me and left me baron; and it was not just one place but a whole world of places; everything; including everywhere outside; nothing was safe anymore; no place on earth was safe for me and the people were not safe; non of them and I could not escape them; that is what I told myself and I have to look into that. my goal is to work through the past; slip by the dragon so I can be safe again and feel agile and safe; out in the world... How can I do this. I don't want to walk around the world like its a prison camp.
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The most important aspect first; I should have ability; built in to function. I should have the ability to work through all of these categories of interest; meaning; mechanical ability; to work through the mechanics of self using mechanical thinking; mechanically speaking; each component that is affected or infected within me still have the machinery to work or function; Something is not allowing it to be turned on an any disfunction within it can be drained; like draining poison from a diseased area.... the disease must come out; it must flow out... be gotten ride of...
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Control by step father comes up; he's in all areas of my personal space; he is a little man trying to rule over everyone. Im not wanted; but he wants his wife; but does not want her children...he thinks he's got it made; best prize he's had; " his new wife"....
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I want someone to turn me up side down and drain me of disease and poison. I want the poison out of me. If I had safe spaces and really new I was on safe ground; it would make a difference. I am a man tho; Im like a machine that wants to continue to be a machine that helps keep me aligned and working...
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I want to be aligned and working. When I bring up the word " work", I feel a kind of rupturing; the dissociative condition kicks in; is triggered. So; its like a giant horror ship; a movie of a horror ship I have to go through; walk through its hallways and face...
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So; work is something that needs to be addressed and what happens before; what happened to me before this in my childhood thats going to lead up to problems with work. A giant gap resides between where Im at and the idea of " work"; pure neglect kicks in as a word of choice and problem when dealing with work. Also; being taken advantage of over and over and over in my private space; or where I was suppose to have private space... I had no rights or private space; nothing; and no foundation; I was stripped of foundation and private space... I was controlled and used and battered and manipulated.
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I was stripped of everything. When I use the word or phrase " private space"; a whole world kicks in as I was the victim of brutal things that put me to sleep; and it is this area I'm going to explore... I feel like a seven year old with a flashlight...
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Im also seeing myself at 14; a throw away but I don't know it yet. I see myself in the 8th grade; Im also a throw away at this point; but I don't know what to call it; I know the horror Im going through; but I had no idea I was with the kinds of monsters that would do this to somebody or to children; I know now.. So; I must work through this as well... And all of this puts great pressure upon my mind; I can feel the fear and part of me wanting to resist this horror.... So; I will try to break all this down; one section at a time and look into it; explore it; and see what I can find.... I will take a look at myself and see where I've been melted and destroyed...
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I have a great dissociative wall; its hard and what's behind it is horror and fear and loathing and gnashing of teeth; those things done to me over n over out of fear until I loose my mind...
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Im not much more then 4 to 12 years old; if that; 12 is pushing it... Im working on that now... I have gotten some resistance from people when attempting to connect with them as the 12 year old; they know what Im doing and they sly'ly block me or push me back; push it back in my face with a smile; Im using them to work through my stuff; many people are covert monsters; I swear! Im pushing through so I can express and move on.
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I can feel the 12 year old; old enough to be present and attempt a few things; not strong enough against adults to stand his ground yet; or have his cake and eat it to or to withstand conversations where Im being trampled on; trying to get ahead; instead; I get pushed down through resistance and blocked; and I can't fight back yet; Im not strong enough yet to face what is in front of me or the past that is bleeding me. Im not strong enough yet to face the bullies...
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One thing I know; Im 12 again and working through and taking an interest in things that are of importance to me; those things of 12...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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