Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1751)
Archives
- March 2024
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

+ February 2024
+ January 2024
+ December 2023
+ November 2023
+ October 2023
+ September 2023
+ August 2023
+ July 2023
+ June 2023
+ May 2023
+ April 2023
+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
+ October 2021
+ September 2021
+ August 2021
+ July 2021
+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Victories; And Bulling is an issue

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 26, 2021 6:04 pm

Victories;

Ive officially escaped part of my past today by simulating a running breakthrough from the abusive neighborhood and house I lived in and the monsters that abused me; I run for it; ran out the door to the group of people; told them today what those bad people had done to me; point in the direction of who they are that they can arrest those monstrosity hideous demonic forces and save me. The 10-12 year old came out in me; was present in that room;
.
I talked about women and relationships; but what came out was the 12 year old running for help from the abuses bestowed upon him when young. And he told with all his heart his troubles and how he felt and felt safe doing so; as if he had made it to safe ground. and told them in feelings and vulnerability; all of his inner feelings dumped out on the table as if he was sitting with a real family of safe people... And he was one of them. And had come home... And pointed to where the atrocities had occurred. The point is; I had created a new safe haven space for myself and I was telling the group about what it was like when I thought I was safe but wasnt... and the authentic child came out running for his life and coming to the group and telling the group what happened to me. But I was safe in the group; not somewhere else. I had escaped to the group today; my inner child; being had made it to the group and opened up. fIrst time since 12 years old.
.
.
What it means; Im making successful in roads into the present more n more where the past is in the past and Im growing in the present; not enough yet; but enough... Its starting to show up; Im showing signs of authentic presence where the past is in the past on some subjects; that means I feel safe in the present and that because I have changed and come into the present... all the work I have done... Sowly more victories in coming my way...
May be an image of text that says 'MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH BREAKT'











Bulling is an issue for many reasons. I had no one their; I was already given away so their was no father or mother. Nothing. I could not communicate; I was in a state of complete shock from being thrown away... I had no protection; I was completely dissociated from reality; a sitting duck and resentful angry and abused and abandon.

I had no relationships with anyone; I clambered down or hunkered down to stay safe around the bullies; schooling completely wrecked; no point; nervous system wrecked. Not sue what kind of therapy to do on this now; to feel safe stay safe; I don't know...
.
I hate this..
.
Ill ask God for help... The idea is to work through this; working forward... step by step in front of me without being controlled or that feeling of someone else controlling me.
.
.
Sex; Something is wrong sexually; I cant have sex. I thought for sure it was Organ size; not the kind of Organ played in a rock band... Or something before that; Maybe feeling non accepted before that; but I see my childhood; bad years where I was thrown away and or given away and sexually abused and controlled.. All of that stands in the way... so; I have things to work through; freeze mode..
.
Their is this one spot of sexual abuse I cant seem to get though. Everything goes dark... I seem to have control of it.. walking through it; dealing with it... being present through it... it takes me mind from me completely.
.
.
So; its not over yet. I feel bad about a brother that doesnt want me; but then hes a sociopath and cant do any better then that. I know that... But hes not really a brother. Ill pray about all of this... The next steps to work through.
.
.
I remember in college being able to have sex; but I dont remember having sex with her; its been shut down; I know I did all the time but cant remember; its blocked. Why is sex blocked from me... Ill pray about it; but all of this fear and facing bulling; its all the same; all tied together as one with dissociation. Not sure what to face.
.
I went through to much lose when young; over my head; and that is also a major part of this; I just dont know how to get over it... thats the problem...
.
.
Many things are changing;
Women;
The idea is to open up to them and express myself my feelings around them... Ill have to work with God on this gain some confidence and experience at it again... feel good about this and about myself around women again through taking chances and experience; For me; it will be like learning how to play the guitar...
.
.
---------------------------

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 2416 times

Who is online

Registered users: ArchieCeatt, Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, HarleyTelve, Houstonfrest, Majestic-12 [Bot], MichaelInody, OMNICELL