Victories;
Ive officially escaped part of my past today by simulating a running breakthrough from the abusive neighborhood and house I lived in and the monsters that abused me; I run for it; ran out the door to the group of people; told them today what those bad people had done to me; point in the direction of who they are that they can arrest those monstrosity hideous demonic forces and save me. The 10-12 year old came out in me; was present in that room;
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I talked about women and relationships; but what came out was the 12 year old running for help from the abuses bestowed upon him when young. And he told with all his heart his troubles and how he felt and felt safe doing so; as if he had made it to safe ground. and told them in feelings and vulnerability; all of his inner feelings dumped out on the table as if he was sitting with a real family of safe people... And he was one of them. And had come home... And pointed to where the atrocities had occurred. The point is; I had created a new safe haven space for myself and I was telling the group about what it was like when I thought I was safe but wasnt... and the authentic child came out running for his life and coming to the group and telling the group what happened to me. But I was safe in the group; not somewhere else. I had escaped to the group today; my inner child; being had made it to the group and opened up. fIrst time since 12 years old.
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What it means; Im making successful in roads into the present more n more where the past is in the past and Im growing in the present; not enough yet; but enough... Its starting to show up; Im showing signs of authentic presence where the past is in the past on some subjects; that means I feel safe in the present and that because I have changed and come into the present... all the work I have done... Sowly more victories in coming my way...
May be an image of text that says 'MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH BREAKT'
Bulling is an issue for many reasons. I had no one their; I was already given away so their was no father or mother. Nothing. I could not communicate; I was in a state of complete shock from being thrown away... I had no protection; I was completely dissociated from reality; a sitting duck and resentful angry and abused and abandon.
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I had no relationships with anyone; I clambered down or hunkered down to stay safe around the bullies; schooling completely wrecked; no point; nervous system wrecked. Not sue what kind of therapy to do on this now; to feel safe stay safe; I don't know...
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I hate this..
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Ill ask God for help... The idea is to work through this; working forward... step by step in front of me without being controlled or that feeling of someone else controlling me.
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Sex; Something is wrong sexually; I cant have sex. I thought for sure it was Organ size; not the kind of Organ played in a rock band... Or something before that; Maybe feeling non accepted before that; but I see my childhood; bad years where I was thrown away and or given away and sexually abused and controlled.. All of that stands in the way... so; I have things to work through; freeze mode..
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Their is this one spot of sexual abuse I cant seem to get though. Everything goes dark... I seem to have control of it.. walking through it; dealing with it... being present through it... it takes me mind from me completely.
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So; its not over yet. I feel bad about a brother that doesnt want me; but then hes a sociopath and cant do any better then that. I know that... But hes not really a brother. Ill pray about all of this... The next steps to work through.
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I remember in college being able to have sex; but I dont remember having sex with her; its been shut down; I know I did all the time but cant remember; its blocked. Why is sex blocked from me... Ill pray about it; but all of this fear and facing bulling; its all the same; all tied together as one with dissociation. Not sure what to face.
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I went through to much lose when young; over my head; and that is also a major part of this; I just dont know how to get over it... thats the problem...
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Many things are changing;
Women;
The idea is to open up to them and express myself my feelings around them... Ill have to work with God on this gain some confidence and experience at it again... feel good about this and about myself around women again through taking chances and experience; For me; it will be like learning how to play the guitar...
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