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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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victemhood

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:18 am

Im always having to look over my shoulder! Theres always someone appearing at times behind me ( I mean this literally), not always, yet, at those moments when I start to feel peace, I get caught at the wrong time, when my defenses are down. It happens all the time! People with contempt that wont give me the credit I deserve. Ive found Im hanging with the wrong people. Yet, God is not finished with those people in my life!
Im the kind of person someone will give credit to, but not invite out for the annual boat party! They smile at me to my face, but would never invite me out socially.

Im the type of person that girls have liked, but Im to much trouble to take seriously! They will secretly bring a man-in-waiting from the side, acting like its just a friend; they are not just friends. When I see this behavior, Im finished with the person on a permanent basis! I tend to judge the whole of the group they are with! if one person is a thief, I shun the whole group! ( birds of a feather flock together).

Ive recently been asking people out! Out can mean anything! Im not dating anyone! I am discovering things. People are deceptive ; they are an evil lot. Not everyone is evil! One has to go through each person at a time to find out what they are about! this is hard work, they are deceptive and don't say everything up front ( meaning there motives). I have found they will call me there friends.. They are lying, I am not there friends. They are not two faced, they were never interested in me in the first place, its my narcissistic perceptions that they are interested in me! They are in love with themselves and looking for a way to prove it at my expense.

Ive had spiritual interest from others, However, they were deceitful liars and the process abruptly goes nowhere! ITs a very strange thing to have someone connect with me spiritually and have a watered down conscious. I appreciate there interest in me and the spiritual connection, However, if they don't get what they want when they want it, they start dating someone else secretly while waiting for me, then cover it up! These are not the type of people I want to hang around with! This is a specific type of people; they are not my kind of people! I have different value and cultural system! I do not respond to this type of behavior; I run from it! I find it horrible and degrading!

If your a lier, if you are deceitful, you need to hang out with your own kind, you do not need to hangout with me! Im in the middle of understanding this.. However, I lie and am deceitful, Im no different then any other person. I have a conscious, I do not want to apply this trade to you, I would rather right a song using my anger then take it out on a you!

I find it horrible that I have to write a blog to express myself; it makes me sick that I have no friends. Im not surprised. Possibly I need better people to associate with.

money is a big deal:
I have found many people want nothing to do with me: they have status with money! They want to hang with money! Its part of there identity! They do not care who or what I am as a person! I am a joke to them, and they would like an opportunity to prove it! I have found people like this to be liars. nothing new under the sun! I am also a liar, however, I attempt not to lie to you! I will keep my lies for my songs and leave you be!

I am naive,

I am holy scared of being an honest man! Im afraid of what is required of me! I do not fit the stereo typical role of the honest person! I try to be honest, I have very little in this world monetarily.

I find myself around allot of manipulators. I am praying for Gods help, that I learn what Im suppose to learn and slowly move on!
---------------

I am judged as lazy and no good, living off the system. I have very little respect from people! I am hated and scorned. At times I forget this, and think someone likes me when they do not! I have a mass stigma associated with me! I forget; Lots of prejudice thrown my way at times!

ITs hard to find open people that do not judge me! Its hard to remember Im still in the learning process! Im just coming out of many symptoms of dissociative disorder! people do not see my problems, they do not understand me, or why Im on social security! and they don't care, they judge!

The goal is gaining sanity! Then I will not hang with people that judge me! I have to wise up remember; just because Im getting better, does not mean anyone else is " with me"! believes in me, cares about me, or has a good opinion of me! many people have a negative opinion of me!

I am never asked anything! if someone did ask me a question, they would be admitting I have status. I am hated by people, or loathed by people! I will never be invited to there house, or for an event. and I will never go to an event if I am not treated with the proper level of respect that God has deemed me!

I am disrespected and hated; shunned. However, the recovery process God laid out is working, and these idiots that are surrounding me are part of the players in Gods plans to keep me alive one more day! These are lier's and they worship the father of lies from down below, yet, God forces them to help me and turn in my direction when I need help!

I must remember that at times I take chances and get of the path; I pay for it through humiliation and hardship! Im just practicing! nothing is serious! not everyone is on my side nor cares to be! I remember God and to stay with God through All things.

Societies are graveyards. I must remember this, they are organized killing machines in one form or another!

I have to remember why Im here! Im here to talk to God, to worship God, nothing more! I am alive a second time because of God, not because of people! People were never on my side from the beginning and they never will be!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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