Usually don't post blogs this close.. However, its just that kind of strange night.
Im getting better; my condition. Its alarming to me. Im a bit scared...
Whats left to work on: close, social interactions. and I have already started, Ive started in the real world with certain groups, for the first time, Ive opened up about my condition. I talked about the problem of dissociation when getting to close to people. So it really starts.. Im starting to bring strangers into the therapeutic realm. This is a good sign.. It suggests Im taking care of my problems out side the therapists office. Im holding my own.. My mind is incredibly weak, and dissociates every 30 seconds.. Im going to have to keep working at it to stay present.
The closer to people I become the harder things are. This new change occurred because of the disaster with the girl from the meetings. A disaster spawns a happy change-around. Ive been pushed back into my life.. I will never see the girl again. As I looked into her eyes many moons ago, and could not express myself, I could see the great fear she had that I did not like her or love her. I could see she was in love with me. Yet, she could not see my feelings nor was she interested in finding out. Life is a hard place.
I have God, I will keep working with him.. working on things. Not giving up...
The outside world is a hard strange place for me. My mind is still in great disarray... confusion. It will have to get stronger. Im shocked and saddened that I have no friends. All past people are gone. They were death to me. They were not my friends.. None of them. Unbelievable.
No girl friend pursuits until I get things figured out.
As for conversations.. its simple. I have the info.. what I need to worry about is the rejection, Or, making sure to stop the conversations when it is not the right person to be talking to.
The art of the conversation.. Im heading to a place of facing myself... Im heading to a place of facing sadness.
What about Alaina.. ? Alaina was a 2 year old child that I watch being thrown away from her parents in a 12 step meeting.. IT was horrible. The father finally gave her away to the state. It was the saddest thing I have ever witnessed; What was different then a Nazi prison camp for her! Ive told God, Im going to concentrate on prayer for Alaina for the rest of my life.. I could do nothing while she was being destroyed... I had to watch as her father ignored her into un existence.
I consider societies nothing more then organized murder. Alaina is an example of this. She appeared to me to be emotionally blind. Poor kid..... God forgive me for not killing the parents on the spot!
God and forgiveness will be a bigger part of my life in the future. Its the only way I know how to survive.
If anything freaks me out, its the lack of relationships I have... I have so much to offer.... It just seems strange to me.. Im so alone and I do not know why!......