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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Unmanageable life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 22, 2013 9:29 pm

My life is getting better as I heal. The healing process is hard. Real hard. Its almost as bad as the prison camp life I came from. I have to revisit that past life, walk through it one more time and say good by to it. I do not do this alone. I have God with me as well has a team of others. And I must revisit these places all the time. Some of the memories start out with a beautiful peaceful child like view... they turn into a darkened nightmare; at times it comes back to something pleasant. Most of the time the darkness remains and the demons remain.

I walk back and take a look from where I come from. I assess my condition compared to my past to see the differences in healing levels. Feedback is the key to life, with out it, I do not have reference points for the growth optimism.

My mind is damaged. It is very weak. It is very sensitive. I will be back at art, at sometime. And I believe my original life will come back to me. The real me.. the first personality... I am in this personality now getting stronger and stronger..

Instead of switching out. meaning switching personalities, Im able to watch the horror that forced me out of me! Im a bit stronger then I used to be. Im strong enough to see the darkness, the clouds when they appear. Its another personality intruding into my personalty. Its very strange. Its not the kind of thing one would know about, or think about as a boy!

I am still damaged/ I always will be.... Im seriously damaged.

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Im working on sanity. Im working with Gods help and others to stop the rampage of narcissism that has destroyed my life by keeping me into isolation from others.

The 12 to 14 year old is waking up! its all so very hard! its horrible.

I feel haunted by all the children that will die from what almost killed me.. the trauma and hopelessness. I wish I could save everyone.

My mother has had a hold on me all my life. Her memories have controlled me for a long while. THis is changing as I heal up. Im beginning to understand that she never suppose to play controlling roles in the first place. . That was never her place as a parent. I was to grow up freely and develop. Instead I was slaughtered by a ruthless sadistic sociopath/ 2 of them. A family of demonic hatred.. I was destroyed by it!

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Dealing with PTSD on a daily basis is not easy. I had a 100% rating... 100% disability ! Im better now. However, it hurts, its a very gruesome thing.
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Who am I when the monster leave my head, when they leave the center focal areas of my mind. That part of my mind that I can see outside in front of me, with no embedding doom that someone is watching me or controlling me from a close distance.

It will take allot of work to get better.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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