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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
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Trying to write a blog; keeps getting knocked off

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:35 pm

This is the 4th time Ive written a blog here on Psych Forums; its gotten knocked off 4 times in a row; When I hit the submit button; Im already logged out; sucks; something is wrong. I lost 4 blocks today; Still gives me the opportunity to write more. O well!
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Bulling; I was bullied horribly when younger; I mean horribly; all the time; relentless from 5th grade to senior in high school; never fought anyone; never thought that would ever happen to me; but I had no one; I was a throw away; never had anyone to stand up for me. I never had a family like I thought I was going to; instead they turned out to be strangers and monsters; They did not care about me or what happened to me; s bunch of sociopaths.
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One interesting note concerning the bullies; first; they controlled me; where I walked and where I went and how I talked to others; I was controlled like being in a communist country; Also, they never struck me; I was threatened horribly or called out to and demoralized to either fight or take a secondary position with them; I took no position with them; I didnt fight; I was like; how did I get into this nightmare. but I never did anything about it; i would have been beaten to and inch of my life by many of them; they knew it’ they knew I wasn’t a fighter; they knew it; I couldn’t defend myself; I would have crumbled. I would have been destroyed; and with some of these psychopaths; I would have become dead or a vegetable for the remainder of my life... Not a game.
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However, no one ever stuck me; Well, thats not true; One kid followed me home; punched me in the eye; another three kids dropped me backwards over another kid. I was swung at by a step father. Ive been push, Ive been trapped on the ground; I suppose Ive gone through other stuff; Ive been wrestled down to the ground; but gave in and cried out... cried out in confession; like I wanted my parents or my father; crying out for my father to rescue me; something like that...
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And other stuff. Bad stuff. But being controlled meant; they came at me with no fear to demolish me; meaning; I was now under threat of attack by these bullies anytime they wanted; It was not safe for me to be in the park or outside. I couldn’t go outside....
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The hardest part was being called out; “ Brian; kick my Ass Brian”; put into challenge form; like they were calling me out or challenging my ability to stand up for myself to see if I was made of metal; and this when I was working; And I was made of nothing. I could not fight; I just stood their. And I hated myself for it; but really wandered what I was doing in these situations; and further more; most of this is going on in a park by my Grandmothers house, or in a public school, or on someones lawn or in other public schools ;inside. Or, in a house or someones bedroom where I was being sexually abused ad or chased around and touched by my step Grandfather. I could not fight back or run away; they could do anything they wanted to me; I could do nothing. it was like being kidnapped by a serial killer. Every move controlled by them. Every move. And this went on; the bulling in work places; un believable.
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Nothing is worse that these monsters Had to live with; I was raped and destroyed and controlled like an animal. Unbelievable; the damage....
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Anyway; Im slowly learning to deal with things.
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When I was 18 I wanted things to go the way I imagined as a kid; so; I took a job for the summer at my relatives ranch/farm. I didnt really want to; I was nuts from trauma; I could not function; but i wanted to be near my dad; i wanted him to treat me the way he did when I was 5 to 8 years old. what I didnt realize; he was a sociopathic potential serial rapist of young women; a thief and a liar; pathological; dangerous; completely sociopath; no conscious; nothing; lawless; anti social; more like a sociopath who is also schizoid; Paranoid; Not a good combination; throw in the narcissistic side to go with it. Not good; but I didnt know; I was completely fooled; I never knew I was dealing with a nut case; I simply didnt know; I was 2 young.
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I wanted to please my Dad so I took the job; he was manipulating me; I wont go into the details; and on this job I was being bullied by the kid I was driving with; he was 16, I was 18; he was a farm kid; another sociopath; he called me out to fight or taunt me if I didnt; I just sat their and wondered what had happened to my world. I couldn’t fight; and if I did; i would have been destroyed. I just would have. this whole life was a nightmare of trauma and stress....

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later I will understand things; what was really going on in these family systems.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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