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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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trying to put the pieces together!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:41 am

Im trying to put the pieces of my life together! That some kind of sense be made from all of this! Its crazy!

I must remember to trust God!

Im sick of people! The people I associate with are from the recovery process! Some are OK; many are not! Ive learned to build a solid foundation; it takes the place of the bar I used to drink and sing in! In those days, I had no life and was developing a nasty problem between drink and PTSD! And the end result would not stop!
I was thrown away and had no one and it was as if I had never been born to anyone and had no past! Those invoked in my past erased me from ever knowing them! All of them!

They tried to make me into the scape goat! I was confused and did not understand what was going on! They tried to make me into the bad person! I did not understand! I was never a bad person! Im the most decent person you have ever met! It was horrifying! I never understood until later what happened!

I had a vision or dream of what I wanted the future to look like! I was under the brainwashing and grooming that my life at the present was good! It was not; but I was so young! I had no idea of it! I was slowly getting worse! I simply tried harder to make up for it! Finally, I could not " make up for it"! Something was wrong! I was being neglected out of existence!

Im now struggling through the process to come back! It is more then strange! My whole childhood; everything went up in flames; one might say! The childhood memories had to be changes to bad; all of them; If I was to remain honest with myself and God! I saw things innocently when young! And that is how I am supposed to see them! However, there is a thing called evil on planet earth! And as a child! I did not see the bigger picture!

You might see a spider in the corner! what you don't see, is that you've been swallowed by bigger spider and you're actually in its stomach looking at a tiny spider that was already swallowed by the big spider! and your both in its stomach! and in its stomach you're looking at that tiny spider in the crease edge of the big spiders stomach; but to you it looks like the corner of a room!

As a child, you don't see the big picture and your used by lawless people!

Its important to see thing correctly! Good n bad! And if all things have to be changed to bad; then so be it! The truth is good enough!

If I told you I was destroyed by my parents when I was 10 years old and still told you everything was find before this; this would make no sense! Those who destroy children were probably destroying and neglecting me from the beginning! I was to young to understand the difference!

I was loved, then destroyed! No! That makes no sense! If they didn't love me at 10! They didn't love me at 5 or 4 or 6 or 3 or ever! They never loved me! And if that be the case! Then what about everything else! The house, the neighborhood, the relatives! My brothers and sisters! What about them! So, I start to investigate my past with a fine toothed comb, they used to say in the olden days!
And what do I discover! The absolute worst beyond worst! PBS could make a documentary about my life it was so bad! I was one of those kids! Destroyed! The kind you read about in the paper or see in a youtube vid on troubled youth!

Now, Im trying to come back to life! And my foundation is the anti foundation I came from! Im learning, I can keep the good feelings, and get rid of the people and surroundings! Their were plenty of times as a child, I felt good inside! I thought I was safe! I wasn't, but I thought I was!

The point;
I can regain my happiness! I learned how to be happy when a small child! I can do it again! If I do, I( know I loose my past! I move into they present! And all I got are memories! Thats all I got!

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Women; I strongly believe Im going to end up with some nerdy library girl with a masters in Geology or something and then we spend the remainder of our lives rock hunting! This ######6 bothers me and scares me for several reasons!

First; these were the type of people that tried and did destroy me!
Second; Going back to them opens the past up again at the level I left it!
Third; lack of money! PTSD keeps me from working and dissolutive disorder!
4th; feminism and arrogance! I will not sleep with a women if I sense any feminism! If she's arrogant; truly, Im wondering what she is thinking! she shows no sign of concern for myself as a man! she is bastardizing me or

Mental Castration
The art of mentally manipulating someone so badly that they can't even begin to think about having sex
Everything was fine until she told me she used to be a man, then I underwent a mental castration menstrual psychological cycle; like riding a denial bicycle! Every time I see her naked, I see Bruce Jenner throwing hair pins over the goal line in his last involvement in the Olympics! Its all to much for me! I rather go bowling!

A women who puts down my man hood and wants to sleep with me! Is not someone anyone needs to associate with! Its just simply bizarre and useless behavior!

Im not interest in idiots!

Ive never felt good enough for someone because Im on SSI! I don't have money! Yet, I fit in with intellectual people! This is a hard cultural dissonance!

What will I do! Well,; Ill get rid of my double life and my big big image Im trying to hide!

Big Image; Im not sure why I have to have an image! If I didn't have and image and had some proper boundaries; maybe I could talk to someone and not care; Im not sure! Im able to be myself around others!
Don't give whats valuable to swine; do not give what is holy to the dogs! Do not take your worth and give it to pigs, lest they trample you under their feet; turn and tear you into pieces!

I don't go up, I don't go down, I don't go left or right! I Just stay frozen in time! I judge the other person out of fear! ITs as if I give myself to them! Throw myself on them! Its very weird and needy! Im scare and frightened! And I'm not sure what to do! Its dissociative disorder!

Drums; I have no idea how it can happen! a place to play drums that I feel safe and secure with seclusion! This is up to God! but I love drums!

Im slowly getting stronger! But I don't know what Im doing! Things are changing on the inside! It's the Universe and God; it's changing me! Im very new to change and don't want to be hurt! God and 12 step groups and blogging sites like this and therapists and women are bring me back to life! I don't know what Im doing; cant respond to anything just yet!

God, I offer myself to Thee-
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always! Amen!

From the 12 step group!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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