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OMNICELL
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Trying to do art; its in my head?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jul 25, 2019 6:19 pm

The problem is in my head; not the outside world; but what I see in my head is the inside world and I create a vision or representation of the outside world that is not true; its just thoughts; But I turn to those thoughts to explain what is going on in the outside world; and that is part of my dissociative disorder; And when I ask what is happening in the outside world; I immediately get an answer; a visual is created in my head of my version of what I think is in the outside world; and its associated with negative horrible deplorable feelings and lots of fear. never do I see it nice and happy and friendly; and I think Im not aligned; I think alignment with self creates positive outcomes..
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I say to myself if only I had a different environment then the outside world; but I don't realize; I'm not looking at the outside world; Im looking at the outside world in my head; its flashbacks; They are so powerful; they take my mind over and I don't know whats real and whats not. Now; Im attempting to learn techniques to bring me back into the present when Im flash backing. Its a sad serious hardcore situation dealing with CPTSD; its never been anything else but sad and serious. I go to my head to answer all questions about everything; My thinking does not know what its talking about.... Its living in fantasy land; or Im living in fantasy land when I allow my thoughts to run everything; or I allow my thoughts to be believed when I know they cant know anything; but my mind is taken over and blinded by flashbacks and PTSD. Im aware enough to know that stuff does not represent anything; but still; its really hard to deal with; and it takes over the part of the mind I need that is suppose to be present...
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Im getting better; Its about whats going on in my mind. I know the real outside world is not what I see when I think about the outside world; When I think about the outside world being scary; I get hit with thoughts of a desolate view of my life going nowhere hanging out on regular boulevards in reality; out on a street corner; but I must remember; thats what Im telling myself; thats what the critical voice is telling the child in me. And the child in me is wise to this and doesn't want to listen to this anymore; the child in me wants to be free of this and do his own thing. But the adult seems trapped by this voice and what it sees. Im confronted with impossible bulling from my past that I cant escape or win; the fact that others put me into bad situations where I could not escape or they thought of me as so worthless that it did not matter. Being around others that thought of me as so worthless I didn't matter. When in reality was worthy to myself the whole time; they had not business in my head space or life in the first place; but I needed a place to live; I had no other choice... and I could not live with the fact I was being relegated into a state of foster child. And thats what happened and I hate it with all my heart because it was done as an act of torture against me; someone had to pull my life out by the roots and cause this; it was done on purpose; I didn't need to become a foster child or loose my original home; it was done out of a thrill by one of the psychopaths to watch someone die....
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Im now learning about how to be present when around others and present with good thoughts. Im trying to bring good thoughts of myself and things Id like to do back into the present.
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I have goals. And I want to concentrate on them.
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I need to take control of my thinking and think what I want to think....And theirs the work
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One of my main goals is to see myself in front of a TV set when about 5 or 6 0r y7 year old; I stand up; lock the door, turn off the TV set and get a piece of paper out and Ask the question; What is the next step I need to take to make it to the lake I want to visit for a vacation.
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I ask myself; what is the next step for a girlfriend that I would take to that lake.
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What is the next step for me; the activities or work I would like to do or am suppose to do during the day that fulfills this day; what am I suppose to do.
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One area that is coming up is Art. And that makes sense; I'm working with design and color and shapes and things and ideas and creativity; so; that is my temperament.
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As for women. I get hit with such hard CPTSD flashbacks and critical voice; its horrible. I will challenge the CPTSD and come up with a scenario I want...
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Im getting better and challenging all the flashbacks that fly through my head when I want a specific goal.
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Im getting fat and old.
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Overweight.
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The problem with being overweight is; After I loose the weight I gain it back; I go back to eating allot of food all day long.
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When one is old; One can only eat according to the amount of exercise when does. If I eat a full meal and do not exercise. I will gain it all as fat; and their it is. So; my eating situation has to change.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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