Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1751)
Archives
- March 2024
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

+ February 2024
+ January 2024
+ December 2023
+ November 2023
+ October 2023
+ September 2023
+ August 2023
+ July 2023
+ June 2023
+ May 2023
+ April 2023
+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
+ October 2021
+ September 2021
+ August 2021
+ July 2021
+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Trying to do art; its in my head?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jul 25, 2019 6:19 pm

The problem is in my head; not the outside world; but what I see in my head is the inside world and I create a vision or representation of the outside world that is not true; its just thoughts; But I turn to those thoughts to explain what is going on in the outside world; and that is part of my dissociative disorder; And when I ask what is happening in the outside world; I immediately get an answer; a visual is created in my head of my version of what I think is in the outside world; and its associated with negative horrible deplorable feelings and lots of fear. never do I see it nice and happy and friendly; and I think Im not aligned; I think alignment with self creates positive outcomes..
.
I say to myself if only I had a different environment then the outside world; but I don't realize; I'm not looking at the outside world; Im looking at the outside world in my head; its flashbacks; They are so powerful; they take my mind over and I don't know whats real and whats not. Now; Im attempting to learn techniques to bring me back into the present when Im flash backing. Its a sad serious hardcore situation dealing with CPTSD; its never been anything else but sad and serious. I go to my head to answer all questions about everything; My thinking does not know what its talking about.... Its living in fantasy land; or Im living in fantasy land when I allow my thoughts to run everything; or I allow my thoughts to be believed when I know they cant know anything; but my mind is taken over and blinded by flashbacks and PTSD. Im aware enough to know that stuff does not represent anything; but still; its really hard to deal with; and it takes over the part of the mind I need that is suppose to be present...
.
Im getting better; Its about whats going on in my mind. I know the real outside world is not what I see when I think about the outside world; When I think about the outside world being scary; I get hit with thoughts of a desolate view of my life going nowhere hanging out on regular boulevards in reality; out on a street corner; but I must remember; thats what Im telling myself; thats what the critical voice is telling the child in me. And the child in me is wise to this and doesn't want to listen to this anymore; the child in me wants to be free of this and do his own thing. But the adult seems trapped by this voice and what it sees. Im confronted with impossible bulling from my past that I cant escape or win; the fact that others put me into bad situations where I could not escape or they thought of me as so worthless that it did not matter. Being around others that thought of me as so worthless I didn't matter. When in reality was worthy to myself the whole time; they had not business in my head space or life in the first place; but I needed a place to live; I had no other choice... and I could not live with the fact I was being relegated into a state of foster child. And thats what happened and I hate it with all my heart because it was done as an act of torture against me; someone had to pull my life out by the roots and cause this; it was done on purpose; I didn't need to become a foster child or loose my original home; it was done out of a thrill by one of the psychopaths to watch someone die....
.
Im now learning about how to be present when around others and present with good thoughts. Im trying to bring good thoughts of myself and things Id like to do back into the present.
.
I have goals. And I want to concentrate on them.
.
I need to take control of my thinking and think what I want to think....And theirs the work
.
.
One of my main goals is to see myself in front of a TV set when about 5 or 6 0r y7 year old; I stand up; lock the door, turn off the TV set and get a piece of paper out and Ask the question; What is the next step I need to take to make it to the lake I want to visit for a vacation.
.
I ask myself; what is the next step for a girlfriend that I would take to that lake.
.
What is the next step for me; the activities or work I would like to do or am suppose to do during the day that fulfills this day; what am I suppose to do.
.
.
One area that is coming up is Art. And that makes sense; I'm working with design and color and shapes and things and ideas and creativity; so; that is my temperament.
.
As for women. I get hit with such hard CPTSD flashbacks and critical voice; its horrible. I will challenge the CPTSD and come up with a scenario I want...
.
Im getting better and challenging all the flashbacks that fly through my head when I want a specific goal.
.
Im getting fat and old.
.
Overweight.
.
The problem with being overweight is; After I loose the weight I gain it back; I go back to eating allot of food all day long.
.
When one is old; One can only eat according to the amount of exercise when does. If I eat a full meal and do not exercise. I will gain it all as fat; and their it is. So; my eating situation has to change.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 5145 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Houstonfrest, MichaelInody