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Consumer 6
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Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
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Something positive is happening
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The Beatles
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A place exists
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Things are changing again
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Things are heating up; Im now backing down
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I have CPTSD
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Real changes are occurring
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Coming back into the present
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Im extremely frustrated
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Fining myself or facing myself
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Im beginning to understand
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Starting from the beginning
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The trap house part 2
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The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
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Massive Mega paradigm shift
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First post recovery conversation
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Dating and Art
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childhood abandonment
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Being single
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Preview: PTSD; High School
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Ive found some answers
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D.I.D; let me introduce myself
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PTSD; dealing with triggers.
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Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
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Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
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critical voice
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Toxic shame
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Ive found some answers
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Trusting God

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:08 pm

Im not sure what title to use. I guess it doesn't matter. ITs all the same. Im heading in the same direction. "OUT THIER"

Im just rambling about anxieties. Would be nice to create blogs here that are private...

What am going out their for. To who. For what. I suppose its the light. Its calling out their again. Meaning God. Or Gods healing direction.

Im a 6 year old with battle fatigue. My mind is over full of PTSD. Everything is playing like a thousand records all at the same time. Theirs more going on in my head then in reality. Any yet, Im suppose to use this brain for a purpose, as its being consumed by the wars in my head that no one gets out alive.

Back to the world. A beat'n brutalized -destroyed 6 year old is told to come back to " THIS WORLD". Just the anxieties are enough to kill 50 horseman.

Im a small child confused by war. By the psychological torture of to many lives. I stay in my cave now and don't know of the outside world. Deeply, Im protected in my cave. Yet , it is not enough. But to go through the PTSD is impossible. It rages like a battle hardened field of tanks that have no time to think or stop or act. All they can do is fight. Fight in motion to survive. Like dancers fighting within the nature of opposing ideologies. Ideas. one more chance. only one chance or we die... No time to think. No time. Must move, look and move. stay low. Sounds all around. To much... To much. To much..

The 6 year old is gun shy. To many whips to the head. Whips can be of many colors. No more rooms to hide in. Reality has broken all the windows and the orbs are coming in... So exhausted. no time to feel anything except the final choice. Even feelings have become compartmentalized with in their own box. Boxes within without boxes. A political arena has been set up just for those boxes. That they may work with each other without knowing each other. Cant fight back. Theirs a bigger monster. Must keep up appearances.

And the betrayers new what they were doing. This is the unfortunate state of people like myself that this has befall'n upon... One can never see past the field of Electricity. The fences that are always on. Miles of fences, rows of guillotines and skeletons. One after the other. To many. To many.

The incense question,? why I should go forward into the same place that causes death. Why would I believe this again. To be. To be out in this. Why. What for. Why would I believe this.... I know what is out their. Why would I go out into that again.. Their is nothing out their except the Orb. nothing more. Their are no humans. Nothing is real...

To bring a batter child back out to a battered world. "What for!?... For What !?!@ '

Yet that is the idea. To find one more free box of safety within reality... I guess theirs a teenager in me that wants out, that is willing to go through or by pass the PTSD and try to head forward. The problem is; When the teenager opens the door to LA lA land. Nothing is as it remains. Nothing remains the same. IT is of different place, different times. All dreams are gone. No one knows me. Im in a different place. All the lies and cheats have won... They set me up. They pulled the curtain....

To be humiliated and hated for no reason.. That is the true nature of the world. I cant live a lie. I cant live here. I cant live alone.. Im doing the work while others are giving the philosophy... While others are giving the orders..

no one really wants to help. No one. Its all a lie... They would rather not get involved. They would rather play a game. And control and play me along with it. A game of chess. That is all that this seems. Im a child walking outside. I never knew I was in the middle of a chess match and I was one of the pawns being pawned. I never gave them permission. And that is when I realize the world... And somethings never change. And I cant fight back.. Some lunatics wrecked it for me and for the other families, even for their own families.. Made the world a darker place for cowards and liars.

Im not a good man or bad one. Im not part of anything. Im not a man. not in the sense of things. Im just me. And I will not sell out.... Even the protector is exhausted. But not like before. He was ran aground before... And the memories of those that were suppose to love me but didn't. Haunts me. Confuses me. They are of another me, another time, locked up in a trip locked box..
Last edited by OMNICELL on Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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