Trusting God was not hard when I thought I was being taken care of as a child! The world; for a while, seemed sure! But then it was all gone; and I gone with it! No one cared, no one showed up! And later, when I attempted to go back into life as a broken confused child, I was crucified! And thus, Jesus Christ was crucified as well from the same type of people! Its important to understand! The poor and those in jails; these are not the ones who killed Jesus Christ! It's the middle or upper middle classes that killed Christ! I find it strange that the same type of people claim to know God; while they continue to destroy children in every form of neglect on a daily basis, simply by not having a conscious! However, Ive experienced several different classes of cultures and people since birth; and Ive found all of them are murder's if given the chance, in one form or another! What bothers me is the middle people; the general people in a country! They seem to be with a type of amnesia! The poor are aware of this murder! Those in prison are aware of this murder! The rich and courts no about it; and know that murder's come from it! However, the middle people; the general masses seem to think that the murdering and destruction of their own people comes from some other cast system; when in reality, they are doing just as much murdering as anyone in jail! Amazingly sick!
Anyway! Im attempting to accept what happen to me when young and try to start over! How do I do this! Well, Im working with God to figure this whole nightmare out! Its way beyond my scope of understanding!
Im staring with activities and relationships of any sort! The problem is; Im in want; much like someone in poverty! Im afraid; anyone I hook up with is not going to make me happy! Ill be bitching about what I don't have; those things necessary for the activities Im interested in! Im working with the Laws of attraction for such things! Im scared! A women cannot make this part of me happy! At some point Im going to start screaming about these problems because I have no answers; much like any poor person in need or want! How long will a relationship last with someone like me who is in need and want! What is the women supposed to do! Most of the women Ive met, don't understand these things! Its to bad; but they don't seem to have any depth! What am I supposed to do! I wont have a life!
As soon as someone starts hanging around me; Ill start bitching about what I don't have! Because Im screaming about the pain from the neglect of my life of what I don't have! Im not sure what a women can do accept find someone else to hang out with that has everything they need! I don't!
This is heartbreaking for me! Its like Im stuck in the land of shallow people! Its horrible!
Shallow people come from a place of privilege and comfort! They don't know what its like to be stripped of life and everything in it and die away with no hope! Im coming back from such places! Who will understand! Who! What women will understand! Who? I understand that women have very little financially at times! Or in the past it was such a thing! Maybe not now! I don't know!
I cannot be around a women that wares the pants in the family; such things are horribly sickening! And a front to God!
So, I want a women that is submissive a filthy rich in order to take care of all my financial needs! Hmmm!
I sound like someone that trusts Im going to find women of any value! I guess I don't feel I will! It's not my fault! It's not! I didn't make things this way!
Possibly, I have to understand, Ive not been around nice people! And Im not sure where they are; or possibly, Ive never attracted them because all Ive thought about are the bad people in the world; their fore, that is all ive ever attracted!
So, big changes must occur in my life!
Im in the process of life rehab! Im attempting to come back to life; this time with none of the people or places or things of the past! I must rely upon God! I'm blind to such understandings of how to function in the world;' and the things I like to do I cannot; I do not have the facilities for such things! And I have no one that understands!
So, I must turn to God for help! And keep writing my life as if its already happened; concerning the things I want in this life!
The goal is to believe with no doubt!
So, its a simple concept! Im attempting life rehabilitation! Im attempting to get back on my feet again!
I no nothing about relationships! and Ive never actually gone after any ambitions! meaning; " I have a dream, Im starting with nothing, everything seems overwhelming"! IVe never done anything! Life is overwhelming for me! I literally need someone to show up and help or I need the money to show up! I guess!